Never Been Loved(110)

I didn’t need all that time to think about my answer.

“Absolutely.” There’s no hesitation on my part.

“Does she know?”

That eighteen-wheeler is parked on my chest again. “No. No, she doesn’t.”

“And whose fault is that?”

“Damn it, Eddie. I didn’t want you to come here for a lecture. I know I screwed up. I did, I know it, and I did it bad enough that I’ve jeopardized a future with the one woman who can stand what I am.”

Eddie shakes his head. He shuts his eyes and pulls in a deep breath. “There’s nothing to stand, my boy. You’ve just been shown the ugly side of things, and nothing more. This child here, your son...” Eddie stops, like he’s expecting me to go ape-shit like I used to at the mention of Matty being mine.

I don’t.

“Nobody has to ‘stand’ him, there’s no forcing. Sera loves him, and I believe she loves you.”

The smallest voice inside of me goes, How? How can she love me?

“You are more than what’s happened to you, Hunter. Your mother did not help you through it, and she has been absent these past few years because of what happened to your sister. Your father left when you were little.”

I know this, I know all about this. Why’s he bringing it up again?

“I know this story, Eddie.”

Eddie nods. “Yes, you do. But there’s no ending in sight yet, so why are you so ready to give up?”

I grunt, and stare down at my hands, noting the scars on my fingertips.

“I know you don’t think you deserve her. I know this absolutely. Fact of the matter is, she might not think she deserves you, either. And yet, she was brave enough to give you a chance, give you her heart. Where’s your courage, my boy? Where did it go?”

“I don’t have any courage, Eddie. I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Eddie frowns. “Of course you do. You were the one that took on the responsibility of becoming a father when boys your age aren’t even considering it. And then, I watched your heart break when you discovered Matty had diabetes – just like you. You’ve hated yourself ever since.”

My throat’s tight, and my eyes are burning. I’m not going to bawl here, I’m going to tamp it down, I have to tamp it down. If I let loose, there’s no telling what will happen.

“And now you’ve done everything in your power to sabotage what you have with Sera. She loves you both, my boy, and there’s nothing better a man can ask for. You know, I haven’t seen you smile so much until she came into your life. She’s transformed you, Hunter, and for the better. Please don’t throw that away, not when I believe I just got you back.”

“What the hell are you talking about? I’m here. Jules is the one that’s gone. I’m still here.”

Eddie tips his head to the side. For a second, I wish so hard that he was my dad. Life would’ve been a whole lot different if he had been.

“Yes, your sister has passed. But you don’t come into the house anymore, like her old room will somehow find you and tear you apart. You haven’t been alive for a while. Please, fix this with Sera so we can be a family again.”

A family. Is that what I have with Sera?

“I love her, Eddie, but-”

“But what? Fight for her, like you’ve never fought for anything before.”

“I’m tired of fighting. I’m sick of it.”

“Is life harder or easier with her in it?”

I sigh. “I don’t want to answer you.”

“Because you know this old man is right. Fight now, use every ounce of strength you possess to let her find the will and strength to keep you, and you can rest. You wouldn’t have to do this all by yourself anymore,” Eddie adjusts his collar, then rubs a hand over his tired face.

“I’ve screwed the kid up a lot,” I admit. “He thinks I hate him.”

“You’re terrified of being affectionate with him, of losing whatever piece of Jules that’s in him. Stop being so scared, Hunter. Please, stop being so scared.”

“He’s going to be devastated when I tell him that Sera’s gone.”

“I’ll be devastated too. She’s a wonderful woman.”

“You have no idea.”



It took me two weeks to draft this particular text.

I read certain choice parts to Matty for his advice and all he told me is that I didn’t say sorry enough. Surprise, surprise he’s pissed at me. Royally pissed.

I’ve taken the magic in his life away. I have to somehow get it back. The sun sets with Sera for Matty – and for me – and we haven’t seen it around here for a long time.