Never Been Loved(108)

I nod again.

“Well, who the hell do you think I am?”

“I think you’re better than Bruce Wayne.”

“Bruce Wayne saves people. He’s a hero.” Sera’s eyes are wide and she’s looking at me like I’m psycho.

I’m grinning, after all that shit I said, this is the part that gets stuck in her head. Bruce Wayne. I move closer, making our mouths touch and say, “Baby, you saved me that day in the hall.”





Chapter 29



I’m a fucking mess, and I have no one to call. Sera left her phone here.

Goddamn it.

I’m crashing low again, and I can’t think.

Fuck you, body, just do something I tell you do, for once. Fucking think!

Sera’s taken Matty to the hospital.

I yelled at her again. I yelled at her again, when I promised I wouldn’t.

Jesus Christ, why does she keep trying with me? What’s the point? All I do is disappoint people around me.

I’m on my ass in the living room, staring at the door, wondering why there aren’t cracks around the frame. I knew Sera was pissed.

Even in her anger, she doesn’t destroy things – not like I do.

Should I bring out the violin?

Shut up.

I’ve got my phone in my palm, staring through my contacts, trying to figure out what to do. I need to go to the hospital. I need to be there for Matty; I need to be there for Sera to forgive me.

Christ, it’s like a bad dream, thinking back to the words I said to her, how I yelled at her, how I basically said I didn’t want Matty in my life.

That’s not true, none of it is true.

I’m just exhausted. I’m tired of sucking at my life. I’m tired of watching Sera do everything better than me – even being a parent. She’s known the kid a few months and it’s like she’s his mom.

Is that why you’re punishing Sera? Because she’s taking Jules’ place and you can’t deal with that on your head?

I miss my sister, so much sometimes that I can’t breathe through the guilt. I can’t take it anymore, the way Matty looks at me, his blue eyes like hers, his hair like hers, but other than that, she’s fading away.

Am I punishing Sera for it? Did I snap because it’s all tumbling down around me?

I need to get up. I need to get up and get to the hospital.

Colours swirl in my apartment, floating and twirling like they’re dancing to some kind of silent song. It’s pretty, yeah, but it’s also a bad sign. I need juice, but I can’t get up right now, I’m weak.

Where’s my superhero? Where’s Sera?

Right, she’s with the kid. At the hospital. And she left, and she’s pissed at me because of what I said. What did I say again?

Doesn’t matter. I need to get up. I need to get into the kitchen and get some juice. Yeah, that’s what I need to do.

So move, MacLaine. Get up.

Maybe I should just sit here. Sleep a bit.

That sounds like an even better idea.

Get up, get some juice, and go get your girl. She needs you and Matty needs you. You can’t give up, asshole. You’re not allowed.

I don’t know how, but I move. I stand and get some orange juice from the carton and chug and chug ’til the cold liquid sears my throat, and then I drink some more. Probably I’ll get a high in a few hours, but fuck that. I have shit to do.

I need to get Sera back.

But I have to find a way to get there first.



I should’ve called Eddie. Why didn’t I think of Eddie?

My brain’s compromised, and it didn’t hijack enough sugar to work properly until after I phoned Aly. Christ, she’s pissing me off.

“You bring that hand near me again, and I’m going to break it,” I tell her, watching the road for her since she doesn’t seem to care one way or another. We should be at the hospital in another ten minutes.

Ten minutes spent in the car with Aly, and I’m going to fucking lose it. The sugar’s finally working, and I feel pretty good. I’m going to need all my strength when I see Sera, I’m going to need all my smarts to get her to try and to commit to me again.

Because I blew it. I blew it big time.

Just my luck, Sera’s walking out to my car with Matty in her arms. I know she’s seen us pulling up since she stumbles to a stop, and she isn’t looking at me, but she’s looking at Aly. At Aly.

Why am I such a fucking idiot?

“Daddy!” Matty hollers from Sera’s arms, and squirms to be put down, throwing my girl off balance. I have to teach the kid to relax about always wanting his way. Another lesson for later, when she thinks I’ve done enough groveling.

Which might until I’m seventy-five, but I’m cool with that.

Sera keeps moving towards me, back straight, lips tight like she’s swallowed something bad. Or maybe she’s sick of the sight of me.