Never Been Loved(113)

“You’re not getting me, Sera.” I don’t want to be angry. I don’t. But how in fuck could she think I did that to her? With Aly? When I told her that she was out of my life, that Aly isn’t her?

Take to bat for me, Sera. Believe in me. Is that so fucking hard?

“I miss you, Matty misses you. I want you back in my life. I need you back in my life.”

“Well, I don’t want you back in mine, all right?”

I lean in closer to her and get her hands in mine before she can pull away. This has to work, it just has to. I’m desperate for this to work, and I settle my forehead on our joined hands. I’m begging with every part of me.

“What... what are you doing? Hunter? Hunt?” Sera tries to pull away but I can’t let her.

I look up at her, jaw clenched tight and I’m being torn apart by her. “I swear on my sister’s life that nothing happened with Aly that night. I swear I didn’t do anything. I fucking swear.”

“Swear on your life. Swear on your life you didn’t touch her, you didn’t kiss her with the same mouth you kissed me with.”

I curl my lip. “I swear on my life I didn’t touch her. I just needed a ride to the hospital. Aly’s not for me, baby. You’re for me, and Matty. You’re it.”

“Sera,” I say, watching her breath come in short rasps and her eyes shine bright. She’s holding onto my hands, too, now, and I move in to kiss our tangle of fingers. Just say it MacLaine. There’s nothing to be afraid of.

What if she never says it back?

It sure as shit won’t change how you feel about her.

“I love you.”

“You- you don’t mean that,” she mutters, breath hitching again.

Not this shit again. “I love you, Sera, and I’m going to keep saying it until you fucking believe it.”

“Say it again,” she orders me.

“I love you.”

“Again.” She’s twisting our fingers now. “Say it again.”

“I love you, baby. I bloody love you.”

“You’re only saying that because I lost weight.”

No. Just… no. “You sure don’t look like you could haul my ass to the hospital now. Too scrawny.”

“Are you making a joke? At a time like this?”

I grin, and press my mouth to our hands again. “I’m going to start feeding you pancakes for breakfast, lunch and dinner for the next few weeks. We’ll sort you out.”

“What? You can’t just expect that you tell me you love me and everything is okay? Why didn’t you come with me to the hospital?”

Goddamn it, I’ve hurt her so bad.

Winging it, I lean forward and land a kiss on her mouth.

“I was pissed. Thought I would cool off. I was wrong to yell at you. But fuck, you shoulda seen you, giving it right back to me. We’re going to have problems whenever you get mad at me, baby. I wanted to haul you on my bed, and let you use me. I was wrong to yell at you, I was wrong to get pissed at you wanting to take care of Matty when I didn’t want you to.

“I promise for the rest of my life, I will show you how much I love you, how much I want you in my life, in my... son’s.”

“Why did you lie to me?”

“I never lied to you. I told you I don’t lie. You forgot. I never called Matty my son. That first night, when I came to get the movie – I told you he was my nephew. But I’m the only parent he’s ever known. I’m his dad, even though I’m really his uncle.”

“You could have told me. You should have told me.”

“I couldn’t talk about it. My sister... she died because of me.”

Do it. Rip it off like a Band-Aid. Just get it over with.

“I was diagnosed with diabetes when I was eighteen. She thought she would get it, too, but she didn’t. She didn’t need to follow me around, you know?”

“After the first month of taking injections, of getting beaten up daily with the sugar spikes and lows, I went to a Timmy’s and bought a dozen donuts. I took them to my room in my parent’s house and ate every single one.”

“You wanted to kill yourself?” Thank Christ she still cares.

I give a shake of my head. “It wasn’t about ending my life, it was about showing the doctors, my family, myself that I was okay. That I didn’t have diabetes. I ended up in the hospital, nearly went into a coma because of it. The whole thing ruined my sister. And I didn’t help matters. She was my twin.

“I got into drugs, drank heavily, just punishing myself for not being normal, for being sick. Diabetes... you can’t even imagine what it’s like to have a part of yourself give up on you. It screws with your head, just fucks with you in ways I didn’t even know until my sister died. Jules.... she tried to get me out of it, tried to get me clean until one of my druggie buddies took a liking to her and ruined her life.