Wanting What She Can't Have(31)

Raoul leaned forward, his elbows on his knees and lifted one hand to his face, rubbing at his eyes.

"When Ruby was born I was too afraid to let myself love her. At first  she was so ill that the doctors said her survival was touch and go,  especially in the first few days. Even after she battled past that, I  wouldn't let myself feel anything for her. She was so vulnerable, so  dependent. I knew nothing about babies, nothing about being a father. We  were supposed to have done all that together, Bree and me. The very  idea of taking Ruby home and caring for her, alone, made me sick with  fear."

"You would have had Catherine, your friends, your extended family," Alexis reminded him.

"I know that now, but I couldn't think rationally then. And there was  something else, too." He made a sound of disgust. "I resented her. Can  you believe it? I resented my tiny newborn daughter because her mother  had chosen Ruby's life over her own. Rather than see her birth as a  gift, I saw it only as a burden. So, instead of stepping up to my  responsibilities I ignored them. I let Catherine take over Ruby's care,  telling myself it was okay because I was grieving. But then it became  easier to simply let things keep on going the way they always had. The  more distance I had from Ruby, the closer she grew to her grandmother,  the less I needed to worry that I might have to assume my obligations  toward her as her father, any opportunities to fail her, hurt her or  lose her."                       
       
           



       

"Ruby's lucky to have Catherine in her life," Alexis said, not  minimizing in any way Raoul's desertion of his daughter. "She could have  done worse."

"Yeah, she could have been forced to spend all of her first nine months  with a father who saw her as a constant reminder of his failures as a  husband and as a father. Every minute I spent with her, and Catherine  would insist on bringing her around from time to time, she just forced  me to remember that my big dreams for a family had taken her mother from  us both. That, ultimately, I was responsible for everything that  happened."

Alexis shook her head. "You're taking rather a lot on yourself. You weren't the only one involved here."

"It seemed like it at the time. Unreasonable, I know. Self-centered,  definitely. I put myself in a loop where every day would be the same  with work as my panacea, my catharsis. Even so, until you arrived, I was  just going through the motions. Living only half a life."

"Until I arrived?"

"You made me remember what happened the first time I saw you, the way  you made me feel. For months I'd imprisoned anything remotely like  sensation. I thought I'd finally purged that from my existence, and  then, there you were. A golden light just pulsing with warmth. And you  wouldn't take no for an answer."

Alexis frowned, remembering their meeting when she arrived at the winery. "The first time you saw me...you mean back in April?"

"No, I mean the very first time. There were sparks between us the day  that we met, when Bree introduced us. I know you felt them, too. It's  why you pulled away from Bree, wasn't it?"

"Yes," she whispered.

Alexis closed her eyes in shame. He'd seen the way she'd felt about him even then? Did that mean Bree had seen it, too?

"I loved my wife, but for some reason I couldn't help but be attracted  to you, too. When you came back, that all came rushing back with you. It  left me not only hating that you'd roused emotions from deep inside of  me again but also hating myself for what I saw as a betrayal of Bree."

His voice cracked on his words, making Alexis's heart squeeze in  empathy. She searched in vain for the right words to say. Raoul turned  to her, his face a tortured mask of pain.

"But I betrayed you, too. I betrayed your trust, your faith in me that I  could be a better man and I betrayed your love. I'm so sorry, Alexis.  More sorry than you could ever understand. You offered me a gift, a  lifeline, and I threw it back in your face. I can see why you hesitated  to tell me about our baby, but at the time I only saw it as history  repeating itself, with you keeping a secret from me that involved me at  its basest level."

"I would have told you, in my own time," she hastened to assure him.

"And, I'm ashamed to admit, I probably wouldn't have reacted any  differently. I've been an absolute fool. I tried to ignore what you mean  to me and I drove you away. Can you ever forgive me for that? Could you  ever begin to want to give us another chance?"

Alexis drew in a deep breath. Could she?

"Raoul, you really hurt me. Making me leave you, leave Ruby-I...I don't  know if I could put myself through that again. I could barely function  for days afterward. I couldn't even drive any further than Christchurch  the day you sent me away. I had to have help to get home. The first week  I was back here I was like a zombie, barely functioning, barely  speaking. It frightened the people who love me and it terrified me.

"I've only just started to put myself back together. To plan for the  future. I know you said you'd always provide support for me before and  after this pregnancy but I need to stand on my own two feet, too.  There've been times recently when I needed to talk to you, needed to  share something with you that's vitally important, but I've been too  afraid because I couldn't be certain what your reaction would be. Will  you hurt me again? Reject me? Reject what it is that I have to tell  you?" She shook her head. "I just don't know and I don't know if I can  trust you to be there."

* * *

Raoul felt his whole body quake at her words. All his old fears  threatened to choke him. His throat seized and he couldn't find words to  push past the obstruction. What was she saying? Was there some problem,  some abnormality with the baby? Or with her-was she all right? Was the  pregnancy putting her at risk, as it had with Bree? If she didn't tell  him, how could he move heaven and earth to make things right for her?  How could he keep her, and their baby, safe? Was he doomed to failure  yet again?                       
       
           



       

Blood pounded in his ears and he fought to clear his mind from the daze  of dread that had so quickly risen to consume him. He could do this. He  was being given another chance, which was more than most people had in  their lifetimes. He had to prove to Alexis he could be that man she  needed, the man he believed that deep down, at the core of his heart, he  still really was.

"I'm sorry I made you feel that way," he said, his voice sounding  strained. "I want you to trust me. I want you to know you need never  hide anything from me, ever again. I love you, Alexis, so much that it  hurts to know that I've damaged what we started to have together, that  I've risked your love and the right to be in your life and by your side.  I will do whatever it takes, for as long as it takes, to be worthy of  you. Please, give me another chance. Let me love you like you deserve to  be loved. Let me show you how much you mean to me, how much our baby  means to me."

"Babies," Alexis said quietly.

His breath caught in his throat. Had he heard her right?

"Two of them, to be exact," she continued, her eyes watching him  carefully, almost as if she expected him to get to his feet and run to  the door and keep running.

He had to admit, she'd floored him. Panic threatened to overwhelm him.  Pregnancy in itself carried risk, ergo a multiple pregnancy had to carry  more. Could he do this? He reached beyond the panic and the shock at  her words and let the idea play around in his mind.

Twins.

His heart swelled with hope and he reached for her hands, his own  brushing against her swollen belly as he did so. His babies. A rush of  pride and anticipation built up inside and he felt a smile spread widely  across his face.

"Two of them," he repeated. "My God, are you okay? I thought you looked bigger than I'd expected but, wow, twins?"

"I'm doing fine. We're doing fine," she amended.

"How long have you known?"

"Since that first appointment with Dr. Taylor. His equipment was more accurate than that at the clinic."

He was stricken with remorse. He'd made her life so difficult, made the  situation between them so uncomfortable that she hadn't felt able to  reveal that news to him. News like that should have been a delight to be  shared, not a burden to be borne alone.

"Alexis," he said, moving closer to her and drawing her into his arms.  "I will spend the rest of my life making up to you and our children for  what I've done if you'll only let me be a part of your future, yours and  our babies'. You've taught me so much-how to be a real father to Ruby  but most important, how to love again, to love you and Ruby and our  unborn children. I owe you everything."