Wanting What She Can't Have(27)

"That's rich, coming from a nanny. Without parents 'passing the buck' as you call it, nannies wouldn't even be needed."

She groaned, fed up to her back teeth with his bullheadedness. "At  least every family I've worked for before has openly loved their  children. Has included them in their lives when they haven't been tied  to work."

"Enough!" He made a slashing movement with his hand as if he could just  cut her off as effectively as he'd cut off his own feelings. "Stop  pushing me, Alexis. Ruby has settled with Jenny, who has proven she's  competent and knows what to do. Catherine is at hand if she needs any  advice or help. You can leave today. I'll pay you through to the end of  this month and you will hear from my lawyers regarding support for you  and-"

"Today? You want me to leave today? But I still have another week."

Alexis sat down abruptly in one of the kitchen chairs, feeling as if  all the breath had been knocked out of her. She looked at him, taking in  his features and committing them to memory. The curl in his brown hair  that had begun to grow overlong since she'd been here. The flecks of  gold in his hazel eyes. The breadth of his shoulders and the lean  strength of his body. All of it so achingly familiar, all of it so  completely out of bounds. It was impossible to reconcile the lover who  had filled her nights with pleasure with this cold shell of a man who  stood before her, seemingly determined to never see her again.

"I don't need you anymore," Raoul said.

"And that's the trouble," she whispered. "You never did."





Fifteen

He didn't need her anymore. The words echoed round and round in her  head as she pulled herself to her feet, gathered her drawings and  staggered from the room. Alexis tried not to hear them when she returned  to the master suite and began haphazardly throwing her clothing onto  the bed as she picked the drawers of the tallboy clean. Tears streamed  unchecked down her cheeks.

Alexis had thought the pain of saying goodbye to her mother had been  hard enough, followed soon after by discovering Bree had gone, too. But  this was something else entirely. This was raw and sharp and jagged and  sliced at her insides with unrelenting strikes. He didn't need her,  didn't want her, didn't love her. Each fact hurt as much as the other.

She went to the walk-in wardrobe to retrieve her case. As soon as she  opened the door she felt a sense of Bree, as if she'd only stepped out  for a minute and would be back any moment. The soft hint of her floral  fragrance teased at Alexis's nostrils, reminding her of the kind of  woman Bree had been. A woman so loved, so missed, that her husband  wouldn't take a chance on love again. She couldn't compete with that. It  was an impossible task. Her love simply hadn't been enough to bridge  that breach.                       
       
           



       

"I failed, Bree," she said softly through her tears. "I thought I could  do it, that with enough time, enough patience and enough love that I  could bring him back, but I failed. I'm sorry, my friend. Sorry for  everything, but especially sorry for letting my feelings for Raoul get  between you and me."

In the distance she heard Ruby wake from her nap and Raoul's deep tones murmuring to her as he tended to the little girl.

"But he's doing more with Ruby, getting closer to her and learning how  to be a father-at least I achieved that much, if nothing else."

Her voice cracked on the last words and she wheeled her case from the  wardrobe and closed the door behind her. Closing it on so much more than  a half-empty closet. Lifting the suitcase onto the bed, she shoved her  things inside together with her toiletries, reaching every now and then  for a tissue to wipe her face and blow her nose with.

She had to pull herself together, even if only long enough to say her  goodbyes to Ruby. Whether Raoul would be there when she left was  something else she'd have to face with her backbone straight and her  shoulders squared. Part of her wanted to see him one last time, to draw  this entire episode to a natural close, but there was another part of  her that hoped he'd make himself scarce so she wouldn't have to face the  pain of looking into his eyes and seeing nothing reflected back at her  but relief that she was leaving.

Logically she knew they'd have to have some sort of ongoing contact,  especially after the birth. He'd already made it clear he would  financially support her. While that was probably the least she ought to  be expecting from him, for her that was the lowest denominator in this  complicated equation. She simply wanted him. All of him. Not just a  no-strings lover.

She drew in a shuddering breath and then another until she felt as if  she had herself under control. Taking a last look around the room, she  pulled the suitcase off the bed and stood it up on its wheels. Could she  do this? Could she really walk away from Raoul and Ruby and never look  back?

Only time would tell.

Feeling as if her heart was breaking a little more with each step, she  slung her handbag over her shoulder and, wheeling her suitcase behind  her, left the room.

Jenny was in the hallway with Ruby in her arms. The instant Ruby saw  Alexis she clamored to be let down and raced toward Alexis the instant  her feet touched the ground. Alexis bent down and scooped the little  girl in her arms, burying her face in Ruby's neck and inhaling that  special, fresh, soft baby smell that was so precious. Three months,  she'd cared for her, but it had only taken about three seconds to fall  in love.

The pain in Alexis's chest sharpened as she whispered a goodbye to Ruby and handed her back to Jenny.

"Well, I'd better be off, then. If I've left anything behind, perhaps you could send it on to me? Catherine has my address."

"Don't worry, Raoul told me family matters have drawn you away. Thanks  for helping so much this past week. It's made taking over that much  easier."

"I aim to please," Alexis answered with a bitter twist to her mouth.  She looked around but couldn't see Raoul anywhere. "I thought I'd better  say goodbye to Raoul, is he around?"

"Oh, he had to go down to the winery. Something about a truck coming to pick up some cases of wine, I think."

So, it was to be like that between them.

"I see," she said.

But she didn't see at all. Had their time together meant so little to  him that he couldn't even give her the courtesy of a farewell  face-to-face? She swallowed against the lump in her throat and grabbed  at the handle of her suitcase.

"Well, I'd better be on my way, then. I've got quite a drive ahead of me."

She wasn't kidding. From Akaroa all the way to her home was going to  take at least five and a half hours of solid driving. She only hoped she  had the energy to cope with it.

Jenny followed her out to the car and helped her lift her case into the trunk.

"Thanks," Alexis managed through lips that felt numb.

In fact her whole body had taken on an emptiness that made her feel as  if this wasn't really happening to her. It was better, at least, than  the pain she'd felt a short while ago, she told herself. She slipped  into the driver's seat and tried to summon a cheerful smile and a wave  for Jenny and Ruby who stood on the driveway, waving goodbye.                       
       
           



       

Alexis drove on autopilot, the numbness that had mercifully invaded her  body fading away as each kilometer flew under her tires. By the time  she reached the outskirts of Christchurch she was crying again, great  hiccupping sobs that made it impossible to see, let alone drive safely.  She pulled over to the side of the road and grabbed her cell phone,  calling the only person who had ever been there constantly for her all  her life. The one person she'd been putting off calling.

"Daddy?" she said, through tears that threatened to close her throat. "I'm coming home."

* * *

"I'll bloody destroy him," Finn Gallagher growled malevolently. "No one treats my baby sister that way."

He and Tamsyn had met Lorenzo all set to drive down to Christchurch to  collect Alexis. As he was so upset himself, they had worried that it  wouldn't be safe for him to drive and had offered instead to fly to  Christchurch to drive Alexis home themselves. Their timing meant they'd  missed the only direct flight of the day but even with the detour to  Wellington it was still faster than driving. Now they were ensconced in a  hotel room having something to eat before they hit the road together.

"It's not all his fault, Finn. I went into it with my eyes wide-open," Alexis said as rationally as she could manage.

"Don't you dare condone his behavior. What he's done to you is unspeakably wrong," Finn replied, seething with suppressed fury.