Wanting What She Can't Have(29)

He got to his feet again, his movements stiff, and paused a moment to  reflect on the woman his late wife had been before turning away from her  grave and, he hoped, toward his future.





Sixteen

You're doing the right thing.

The memory of Catherine's words when he'd told her his plans was gently  encouraging to Raoul as his car ate up the kilometers. Oh, of course he  still had doubts. All he knew for sure was that he had to find out.  There was something missing from his life. More particularly, someone.  When he'd told Catherine he was going after Alexis, her first comment  had been a simple "About time." But it was the hug she'd given him when  he'd left Ruby with her this morning, on Jenny's day off, that had given  him the most comfort. That and her words that he was doing what was  right.

For so long he'd done the wrong thing, so long it had become habit,  easier to slide into that than doing what he ought to have done all  along. It didn't negate the seriousness of how he'd treated Alexis, or  how he'd summarily dismissed her. He hadn't even had the courage to face  her as she'd left, instead hiding in his work as he'd hidden from  everything else this past year. Digging himself into things he could  quantify and control, knowns versus unknowns.

But he was diving into the unknown now, in a headlong free fall. She was worth the risk.

As he left Christchurch and drove north, cruising through Kaiapoi and  Rangiora and then further afield to Kaikoura he wondered what the hell  he'd been thinking to send Alexis on this journey on her own. He hadn't  been thinking, though, that was the problem. Certainly not about anyone  but his selfish and self-centered self.

That was all going to change. If Alexis let him.

As he passed through Kaikoura he realized he had about an hour and a  half to his destination. Logically he knew he should take a break but  now that he was on the road, nearing Alexis with every revolution of his  tires, he couldn't bring himself to stop.

He wondered how Ruby was doing. She'd been distraught when he'd left,  almost moving him to tears over the way she'd kept reaching for him from  her perch in Catherine's arms. He'd had to pull over after ten minutes  on the road and call Catherine to make sure she was okay-which, of  course, she was.                       
       
           



       

On the phone Catherine had assured him it was perfectly normal behavior  for a one-year-old, in fact for any child who was attached to their  parent, and that he should take heart from the fact that Ruby so  obviously loved him. Even so, it had done little to alleviate the  feelings of guilt he bore for putting his daughter through such a  harrowing scene. It made him think about the things Alexis had said to  him, about him needing to be a constant in Ruby's life. Well, she had  that now, but he owed it to her to give her more. With any luck, after  this journey, she'd have what she deserved. A father and a mother-and a  brother or sister soon, too.

* * *

A weariness that can only come from long-distance driving pulled at his  muscles as he drove slowly along the road Catherine had given him as  Alexis's address. She'd warned him the driveway was hard to find and she  hadn't been wrong; he was almost past the shrub-surrounded entrance  before he realized it. Braking heavily, he turned off the road and into  the driveway.

His heart began to hammer in his chest and nerves clutched at his  stomach. Should he have called ahead? What if she refused to see him?

"A fine time to be thinking about this now," he said under his breath  as he traveled up the lane and pulled to a halt outside a quaint  turn-of-the-twentieth-century cottage. The skies opened as Raoul got out  of the car, releasing a deluge of bone-chilling rain that forced him to  run toward the wide covered veranda out front.

Even though he'd run, he was wet through when he got to the front door.  He dragged a hand through his hair, skimming off the excess of water  that threatened to drip in his eyes and down his face. He caught sight  of his reflection in one of the front windows. Drowned rat. Not exactly  the best foot to be putting forward when hoping to appeal to the woman  you loved, he thought. Still, there was nothing else for it but to push  forward.

He stepped up to the door and knocked. Inside, he heard steps coming  toward him and he braced himself, both fearing seeing Alexis again and  yet yearning for her so strongly that it was almost his undoing. His  throat clogged with all the words he wanted to say but he was forced to  swallow them back as the door swung open to reveal an older man with  gray hair and the type of tan and deep lines on his face that spoke of a  lifetime in the outdoors.

"What can I do for you?" the man asked in lightly accented English.

"I was wondering if Alexis was home," Raoul said awkwardly.

In all the ways he'd imagined this, he hadn't pictured seeing her  father first. He felt about as nervous as he had as a teenager going to  pick up his new girlfriend on their first date.

"I am her father, Lorenzo Fabrini," the man said, his dark eyes full of  questions as they narrowed at him from under grizzled brows.

"Raoul Benoit," Raoul said, putting his hand out in greeting.

Alexis's father flatly ignored it and Raoul let his hand drop. His stomach clenched up another notch. This was not going well.

"So, now you come to see my daughter?"

"Mr. Fabrini, I apologize it's taken me this long, but yes. May I see her?"

The older man shook his head. "That is not up to me. If it were up to  me you'd be back on the road and back to your miserable existence, where  you belong."

He was right. Raoul's existence had been miserable-until Alexis had  come along. And even then he'd been too trapped in his cycle of  unhappiness to see how much better his life was with her in it.

"Please, sir, I beg of you. I know I was wrong, I know I hurt her badly-"

"Hurt her?" Anger flashed in Lorenzo's eyes. Eyes that reminded Raoul  so much of Alexis. "You didn't just hurt her. You broke her. When she  left here she was full of hope, full of purpose. When she returned she  was empty, dead inside. Destroyed by you!"

He punctuated the air with his finger, making his point and with it,  making Raoul awfully glad Lorenzo hadn't answered the door with a  shotgun in his hand.

"I was wrong."

"Wrong! Pah! Wrong is denying your child your time and affection. Wrong  is taking my daughter's love for you and belittling its worth. Wrong is  using her for your own satisfaction and then sending her away when  things got too hard. You call yourself a man?" Lorenzo muttered a curse  in Italian. "I call you a worm. You're a disgrace."                       
       
           



       

"I know, you're not telling me anything I haven't learned already. I'm  deeply ashamed of what I've done, of how I've hurt Alexis. Please, let  me talk to her. Let me explain-"

"No, let me explain," Lorenzo interrupted, his finger once again  pointing in Raoul's direction. "I am a humble man, a man who has worked  hard all his life. I didn't finish school, I don't have all the fancy  letters after my name that you all find so important these days. But I  know what is important-that above all else, you honor life, you honor  family, you honor love-and most of all, you honor the woman who brings  them all into your life. You don't hide from her like a sniveling  child."

"Sir, I respect how you feel, and I agree. I'm sorry for hurting her, truly sorry."

"Your apology is nothing to me and it is not my place to forgive you. It is Alexis you should apologize to."

"Please, then, let me see her. Let me talk to her."

"No."

Raoul felt his heart drop into his boots. "No? She won't see me?"

"No, she's not here-yet. If you are serious about making amends to my  daughter you may wait here until she returns but you must promise me one  thing."

"Anything, what is it?"

"That if she asks you to leave that you will go. Just go, and never bother her again."

The thought of never seeing Alexis again, never watching the way her  face lit up when she was happy or never again seeing that fierce look of  concentration in her eyes when she was working on her designs struck  fear into Raoul. It was entirely possible that she would tell him to get  lost. Hadn't he, essentially, done as much to her? Expected her to walk  away, carrying his baby, and never look back? To be satisfied with some  financial arrangement brokered by a pair of lawyers in separate parts  of the country? If her state of mind was anything like her father's, she  might tell him to do exactly that.

It was a risk he had to take.

"If that is what Alexis wants, then that is what I'll do."