Wanting What She Can't Have(26)

He tried to think of what it would be like not to see her cherubic face  each morning or hear her chant "Dad-dad" as she did whenever she saw  him. Even the mere thought of it made him feel empty, lost.

"Raoul?" Alexis prompted.

"I'll think about it. We'll have to see what the job applicants are like first."

She gave him a weak smile. "Well, that's progress, I guess."

Raoul continued to stand there, feeling at a loose end as she  competently moved around the kitchen, putting the finishing touches to  their evening meal and tending to Ruby.

"How are you doing...since Monday?" he asked awkwardly.

"Everything's settled down," she replied, keeping her back to him, but  he saw her face reflected in the kitchen window and noticed how she  hesitated over her task.

"When do you see the doctor again?"

"I had an appointment in four weeks' time but if I'm leaving then I think I'll see someone when I get home."

"I'll pay for your medical expenses, Alexis, and for the...baby, when it comes."

"I'll call you if I need help," she said, her words clipped.

"I mean it. I will stand up to my responsibilities toward him or her."

She made a sound somewhere between a laugh and a snort. "Except for the ones that really matter, right?"

He felt a flush of humiliation stain his cheeks. "I said it before, Alexis. You ask too much."

"Do I? When I, Ruby, everyone in your life, basically, is prepared to  give you everything in return? Is it too much to ask you to love us, to  care?"

His hands clenched into fists at his sides. He felt his short  fingernails biting into his palms and he relished the pain. It was the  distraction he needed to remind himself not to reach out for her, to  drag her to him and to show her exactly how much he felt for her. A fine  tremor rippled through him.

"I've said what I wanted to say. Don't wait dinner for me. I'll eat later."

* * *

Alexis watched him leave the room. A view she seemed to have a whole  lot of lately. She'd been an idiot to think she could win this tug of  love with him. It had been destined for failure from the beginning. She  deserved more than that, and so did he-so why on earth couldn't he see  that? Why wouldn't he grab what he was offered with both hands and run  with it?

It made her heart ache to think he'd chosen to remove himself from  love, that he was so broken that he couldn't try again. No, it was more  that he wouldn't try again. It was a conscious choice. She just couldn't  understand why anyone would choose loneliness and solitude over love.

Over the next few days she watched as a handful of selected applicants  arrived at the house for interviews with Raoul. Each time, he'd ask  Alexis to bring Ruby in to the meetings to introduce her to her  potential carer. Some introductions had gone okay, some not so much.  When Raoul told her at the end of the week that he'd made a suitable  appointment and that the woman would be starting the following Monday,  Alexis's heart sank. Her time here now was limited. Soon, she'd have to  leave and the very idea just broke her heart.                       
       
           



       

The only bright light in the darkness was planning Ruby's first  birthday party next week. Catherine had suggested they hold the  celebration at the play center since it was already designed to cater to  a big group of small children and everyone who she would have been  inviting went there anyway.

Raoul, though, was adamant he wouldn't go.

"No," he said emphatically when Alexis invited him.

"But it's Ruby's birthday," she implored.

"She won't know the difference."

Alexis rolled her eyes. "That's not the point."

"It's also the anniversary of Bree's death, have you stopped to think about that?"

"Of course I have," she argued back. It seemed they always ended up  arguing these days and it was taking a toll. "But you can't punish Ruby  for that for the rest of her life. Are you going to deny her a  celebration every year because you lost Bree that day, too? Can't you  grasp what you have for once, rejoice in it instead of holding on to  what you've lost?"

"I said no. That's the end of it."

It was like talking to a brick wall. He'd distanced himself so  effectively she had no idea of how to get through to him anymore.

The following two weeks passed in a blur. The new nanny, Jenny, was  wonderfully competent. She'd just returned to the area after working for  a family up in Wellington who had a job transfer to overseas. She  hadn't wanted to go with them, preferring to stay in New Zealand, so the  position with Ruby was perfect timing for her.

Alexis hadn't wanted to like the other woman and had, in what she  recognized as a ridiculously petty way, resented how easily she'd taken  over Ruby's care and how quickly Ruby seemed to bond with her. Each day  Jenny took over more and more of Alexis's duties, and Catherine, too,  agreed the other woman seemed to be working out really well.

With less time with Ruby herself, Alexis had more time to think about  nursery preparations for when she got home, and even time to get back to  her designs. She'd played a little with some sketches in the past  couple of weeks, a few ideas for herself mostly, and her hands itched to  see how the ideas would come to life in her preferred range of  hand-dyed natural fabrics. She'd never imagined designing a maternity  range of clothes before, especially not for the high-end fashion  boutiques her work usually showcased in. Now she was getting excited  about the idea.

Besides, she reminded herself, she'd need something to distract her  once she left. This was going to be one of the hardest things she'd ever  had to do. The second hardest was going to be telling her dad about her  pregnancy. He'd be disappointed in her, she knew it, but the prospect  of new life would help lift him from his grief and give them something  they could look forward to together.

Alexis had toyed with the idea of phoning him with the news, or sending  him an email, but she knew this was the kind of thing she'd have to  tell him face-to-face. At least, she consoled herself, moving back to  her father's home meant that she'd be nearer to Tamsyn, her half sister,  and Tamsyn's husband, Finn, her father's business partner and the man  who'd been like a big brother to her growing up. She could almost begin  to tell herself she was looking forward to it.

"Wow, are those your sketches?" Jenny asked as she came into the kitchen where Alexis was working at the table. "You're good."

"Thanks. I'm thinking of expanding into maternity wear. These drawings are just ideas for now."

"So, you're a designer, not a nanny?"

"Both, really. I trained and worked as a nanny after I finished school.  The designing has come in the past few years and I spent most of the  previous year, before I came here to help out Raoul, in Europe,  traveling and looking for inspiration."

Help out Raoul. The words sounded so simple, so uncomplicated. Nothing  at all like the tangled web of unhappiness and adversity it had turned  into.

Jenny picked up one sheet and then another. "So is that why you're leaving? To get back to your work?"

Alexis looked up as Raoul entered the kitchen and helped himself to a coffee from the carafe on the warmer.                       
       
           



       

"We've imposed on her for long enough," Raoul said before she could say a word. "It's time she returned to her own life."

But this was the life she wanted. This life, with him, with Ruby. She  could work from anywhere when it came to her designing, and goodness  knew there was plenty of space here for her to establish a workroom. But  he didn't want her, not like that, not as a partner, not as a piece of  his heart. And that was where her dreams began and ended.

Clearly sensing the undercurrent that crackled between Raoul and  Alexis, Jenny made a vague excuse about checking on some laundry and  left, leaving the two of them staring at one another. Expelling a breath  of frustration, Alexis gathered up her things and got up from the  table.

"So have you warned the new girl off falling for the boss?" she said, determined to provoke Raoul in one way or another.

"Low blow, Alexis."

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have insulted her like that. I'm sure Jenny has  far more sense. She's very well trained, and she is good with Ruby."

"Yes, I think Ruby will be quite safe with her."

"Safe, Raoul? Safe? Is that all you can think about? What about loved?  Don't you think that's equally as important in her life? Weren't you  loved as a child, weren't your parents there for you every step of the  way? Of course they were because that's what real parents are. They're  the people who are always there for you-not the ones who just pass the  buck on to someone else."