Wanting What She Can't Have(24)

"I'm okay, you can stop looking at me," she said through tightly clenched teeth. "I'm not about to break apart."

"That's good to know," he said, and leaned back into his chair,  feigning nonchalance by picking up a discarded magazine off the chair  next to him.

"Ms. Fabrini?" a man's voice called.

"That's me," she said, getting to her feet.

Raoul got to his feet as well and started to move forward with her.

"Hi, I'm Peter Taylor, nice to meet you," the doctor said to Alexis, extending his hand.

As he did so, he looked over her shoulder and spied Raoul standing there.

"Raoul, good to see you. How's Ruby doing?"

"She's growing and getting into everything."

The obstetrician looked from Alexis to Raoul.

Alexis spoke up in the awkward silence that sprang between them. "I'm Alexis, Ruby's nanny."

"I see. Well, would you like to come through with me? And Raoul?"

"No, just me," Alexis said firmly.

Raoul wanted to object, to shout he had every right to be there in that  room with her, but he knew he had none. He'd made no commitment to  Alexis and it was clear she didn't want him there, either. He lowered  himself back down onto his chair, that sense of history repeating itself  hitting him all over again.

So, he was to be kept in the dark, just like he'd been with Bree. With  her, she'd managed to time her appointments for days when he'd be busy  and unable to accompany her, except for when she had her scans. Thinking  back on it now, she must have requested that all information about her  aneurysm be kept from him because he knew now that they'd monitored it  carefully throughout her pregnancy.

Waiting was hell. Not knowing what was going on was even worse. He  couldn't just sit here. It was doing his head in. He went to the  receptionist and told her to let Alexis know he'd be waiting outside for  her, then turned and left the building.

It was cold and crisp today, the sun a distant beacon in a washed-out  blue sky striated with wispy streaks of cirrus cloud. Raoul waited by  his vehicle, and tried to tell himself he didn't care that Alexis had  shut him out. He should embrace the fact, be glad she didn't want him to  be a part of this. He could offer her nothing but a man broken by the  past. A man now too afraid to trust. Look what had happened when he'd  trusted her!

And if he kept telling himself these things, surely eventually he'd convince himself he believed them.

He uttered a sharp expletive under his breath and shoved his hands into  his jacket pockets. Leaning against the side of the Range Rover he  lifted his face to the sun and closed his eyes. If only he hadn't given  in, if only he had kept his distance. If only she'd never come at all.

Life was full of "if onlys," so much so that a man could drive himself  crazy worrying over them all. Things had been simpler before she came,  there was no denying it. In this case, it came down to just a handful of  questions. Could he go through this all again? Could he watch her grow  full with child, his child, and wait again in fear for what might  happen?

The answer was swift coming. No. He couldn't.

Yes, it was cowardly. Yes, it was stepping back from his obligations.  But he'd been down this road already, and he wasn't strong enough to do  this again. But, the question remained, could he let her go?





Fourteen

Alexis was in the kitchen making herself a cup of tea when she heard  the front door open and close. Raoul was back. Her heart jumped in her  chest and she wondered what he would say or do next. Since her  consultation with the obstetrician they'd barely said more than two  sentences to one another at a time.

She had yet to tell him everything about her examination-but she had  good reasons for holding back. Raoul had withdrawn from her, wholly and  completely. It wasn't just that she now slept alone back in the master  suite, it was apparent in every way he interacted with her-or didn't  interact, which was more to the point.                       
       
           



       

This pregnancy was a major step in her life, one she was willing to  take on alone if necessary, and especially if she couldn't be certain  that she had the wholehearted and loving support of a man at her side.  Raoul, to be precise.

His heavy footsteps sounded in the hall and she felt the usual prickle  of awareness between her shoulder blades that warned her he'd come into  the kitchen and was staring at her. Slowly, she faced him.

"I'm going for a shower. Are you okay? Should you be up?"

He sounded like the Raoul Benoit she'd fallen in love with, yet  different at the same time. She looked at his face, met the flat  emptiness that now dwelled in his eyes. Her heart sank. Any hope she'd  had of possibly turning him around on this situation between them sank  right along with it.

"I'll be all right. As I've already told you, I'm just not supposed to do anything too strenuous. That's all."

He nodded. "Don't go lifting Ruby from her crib," he reminded her for  the umpteenth time since Monday's race to the clinic. "I'll get her up  when she wakes."

With that, he left her. He did that a lot lately. Made sure he was home  around the times that Ruby went down for her sleeps and was back in  time for when she roused. On the rare occasions he wasn't, she'd seen  the censure in his eyes afterward when he returned to find she'd been  lifting and carrying the baby, but she knew exactly what she was and  wasn't capable of. Caring for Ruby was high on her to-do list, with all  it entailed.

Behind her, the kettle switched itself off, the water boiled and ready  to pour onto her tea bag, but still she didn't move. So, this was how it  was going to be between them now. A cold politeness that ignored  everything except the medical concerns involved in what was happening  inside her body, the life they'd created together?

Part of her wanted to march on down the hallway behind him, to confront  him, to force him to talk to her. Force him to acknowledge her and what  they'd shared before he'd found out about her pregnancy-to find out if  there had ever been more between them than just the convenient release  of no-strings-attached sex. But that look in his eyes just now, it had  chilled her. It had told her far more than words could ever say.

What they'd had, as little as it was-everything they'd shared when  they'd shared each other-was over. Gone. Except for getting Ruby out of  bed in the morning and putting her down for her sleeps, Raoul stayed  well out of the way. The stresses and joys of pregnancy were entirely  her own, with no one but herself to marvel over the life growing inside  her-or worry over possible problems.

To her huge relief, all the signs of the threatened miscarriage had  eased off, just as Dr. Taylor had said they should. Further, slightly  obsessive reading on the subject told Alexis that a high percentage of  women experienced what she had in their first trimester. Trying to  convince herself what she'd been through was normal was easier said than  done.

She felt fragile, adrift, and the massive chasm that had opened up  between her and Raoul prevented her having anyone to share her fears  with. This wasn't news she was ready to spring on her own family just  yet-not when she still hoped against hope for Raoul's support, even for  his love. Still, at least she had a visit from Catherine to look forward  to today. When the older woman arrived, though, she clearly knew  something was up.

As the two of them watched Ruby playing in the family room Catherine broached what was clearly bothering her.

"Alexis, did you know that Raoul has asked me to look for a new nanny  for Ruby until I'm able to take her back full-time again?"

If the other woman had slapped her, Alexis couldn't have been more shocked.

"He wants me to leave?"

"He didn't say as much-well, not in as many words-but he requested that  I make it clear in the advertising that it's a live-in position."

Alexis's head reeled. "He hasn't said anything to me. Not at all."

Catherine fidgeted in her chair. The corners of her mouth pulled into a small frown.

"He told me you were pregnant. Is it true?"                       
       
           



       

"Yes, it's true."

"How far along are you?"

"Nearly nine weeks now," Alexis answered with a small sigh.

"And you're okay?"

"Did he tell you about Monday? About taking me down to the clinic? And  then to the obstetrician when we left Ruby with you on Wednesday  morning?"

"No, but I guessed something had happened. He acted different again. Like he did after Bree died."

Catherine got up from her chair and joined Alexis on the couch. She put a comforting arm around her shoulders.

"Tell me," she commanded gently.