Wanting What She Can't Have(23)

"And yet it did."

"Yes, it did."

"I shouldn't have trusted you. I shouldn't have touched you. God, what are we going to do?"

"Well, if the bleeding stops as it's supposed to and everything settles  down okay, we're going to become parents together," she said softly,  trying to infuse her voice with enthusiasm and encouragement in the vain  hope it might sink past his shock.

He looked at her in horror.

"If everything settles down? What are you saying-are you going to be okay?" he asked, his face suddenly pale.

"The doctor wants to refer me to maternity services in Christchurch to be certain. I need to wait for an appointment."

"No, no waiting. I'll get you in to see someone privately."

"I can't afford that, Raoul," she protested. "I don't have full cover on my medical insurance."

"I'll pay for it. I need to know what's going on." He diverted from his  pacing path, seeming to head to the door-most likely to make the  necessary calls to doctors right away.

"Raoul, please, believe me when I say I didn't want this to happen," she whispered before he could leave.

He closed his eyes and shook his head and she saw his throat move as he swallowed.

"Neither did I, Alexis. Neither did I. Try to get some rest. I'll see to Ruby when she wakes."

He took the mobile monitor that Alexis kept at her bedside and clipped it to his belt.

"But what about the couriers? I thought you had a busy day ahead."

"I do, but I'll just have to work around it, won't I?"

Tears of frustration pricked at the back of her eyes but she refused to let them go.

"Raoul," she said as he moved once more to leave the room. "I'm so sorry."

"Me, too."

She stared at the door as he closed it behind him, her heart aching for  what she was putting him through. She'd seen the abject terror in his  eyes this morning, followed later by shock when he'd overheard the nurse  talking to her at the clinic.

Alexis pressed a hand to her lower belly, hoping against hope that  everything would be all right. For all of them. This wasn't the way  she'd wanted him to find out. She'd wanted to tell him, in her own time,  her own way. But nature had decided otherwise. And now it was Raoul's  turn to decide how to respond.

* * *

Raoul paced back and forth in the family room, bound to stay at the  house by his promise to take care of Ruby and to let Alexis rest, which  meant staying within range of the baby monitor. He fought his instinct  to flee, to head deep into the vineyard and walk and walk until he could  walk no more.

Dark clouds scudded across the sky, heavy with rain that began to fall  in steady droplets, battering against the glass stacking doors that  looked out over the garden. He leaned his forehead against the glass,  welcoming the cold, the numbness. Anything was better than the horror  that played through his mind right now.

Alexis. Pregnant.

He braced his hands against a door frame and stared blindly out into  the drenched garden as the two words echoed over and over in his head.

This couldn't be happening. Not again. Hadn't life dealt him a hard  enough blow with Bree, now it had to throw this at him, too? This wasn't  something he could come to terms with. And tied in with the fear he  felt at her condition was a strong sense of betrayal-again. He'd trusted  Alexis, believed she was telling the truth after that first time they'd  been together. She'd never mentioned the slightest doubt that she was  safely protected from pregnancy.

His eyes burned as the wind picked up, blasting cold rain directly at  the surface of the glass doors. Still he didn't move. Couldn't. He was  frozen to this spot as much as he was frozen inside. He'd begun to thaw,  he'd felt it, noticed it bit by bit as Alexis had worked her way under  his skin and into his heart. Had stopped fighting against it, had even  begun to trust that maybe, just maybe, the time was right to live again.                       
       
           



       

He was a damn fool. Hadn't he learned his lesson the hard way? People  who professed to love you were also prepared to lie to you, as well.  Bree had. He hadn't thought that Alexis ever would. She was so honest,  so open and giving. He'd heard Alexis say she loved him one night as  he'd fallen asleep. He knew how she felt. It was there in her every  word, her every touch. When they made love he could feel her giving him a  piece of her every single time. Making him feel again, making him want  more, even making him begin to dream.

But she'd lied, too. And now worse, she, too, was at risk. The baby possibly already threatening her life as well as its own.

He'd always wanted a big family. That wish continued to come back to  haunt him. He fought back the scream that struggled to be released from  deep inside of him, too afraid to let it go in case he couldn't stop  howling once it started.

He couldn't do this again. He simply couldn't. He'd already lost one  woman he'd loved-a woman he'd pledged to spend the rest of his life  with. The pain of that loss had been crushing. Discovering she'd kept  her life-threatening condition from him even more so.

He wasn't prepared to lose another.

Oh, my God, he thought, I love her. I love Alexis.

Hard on the realization came fear. With love came loss, he knew that to  his cost. Already Alexis's pregnancy was putting her at risk. If the  worst should happen and Bree's experience be repeated, he knew he  wouldn't survive that again. He had to put away those feelings for good.  He thought he had achieved that already but Alexis's steady and  constant undermining of his stance with Ruby had undone that.

Her gentle ways, her care and support, all of it had left him wide-open  to hurt all over again. He hadn't wanted to love her-hadn't even wanted  to want her the way he did. Even now he felt the urge to race back to  her room, to make sure she was okay, but he couldn't trust himself  around her. Couldn't trust her.

He needed to pull himself together, to shore up his defenses all over  again. Only this time he needed to make them impenetrable. Nothing and  no one would get past them ever again.

Feeling stronger, more in control, Raoul dragged his cell phone from  his pocket and thumbed through his contacts list. There it was, the  number for Bree's obstetrician. He hit Dial before he could change his  mind. For all that had happened to Bree, the guy was one of the best in  the country and Alexis deserved that. And he himself needed to know  exactly what they were dealing with.

A few minutes later, an appointment made-thanks to a cancellation-for  in a couple of days' time, he shoved his phone back in his pocket. Until  then he had to keep his mind busy and his heart firmly locked down back  where it belonged, where nothing and no one could reach it.

* * *

"I don't see why you weren't prepared to let me wait until my  appointment came through from the hospital," Alexis grumbled as he drove  her to Christchurch two days later. "I've stopped bleeding anyway."

"Don't you want to know why you started bleeding in the first place?"

"Raoul, sometimes these things happen. There might not be a why, sometimes things simply are."

He shook his head, dissatisfied with her answer. "No, there's always a reason and always a solution. There has to be."

He heard Alexis sigh and out the corner of his eye he saw her turn her head and look out the side window.

"Are you feeling okay?" he asked, the same question he asked of her several times each day.

"I'm fine, a bit queasy but that's normal. Unless I'm driving I often get a bit of motion sickness."

"Do you want to drive?" he offered.

"No, it's okay, I'll be all right."

"Let me know if you need me to stop."

"Sure." She sighed again. "Do you think Ruby will be okay with Catherine? She was pretty upset when we left."

"She'll settle. Call Catherine if you're worried."

"No, I'm sure she'll settle, like you say."

They traveled the rest of the hour-and-a-quarter journey in silence.  When they reached the specialist's rooms, Raoul parked the Range Rover,  assailed again by the awful reminder that he'd been through this before.  Maybe coming to the appointment with her wasn't such a great idea after  all, he thought, his stomach tying in knots as they got out the car and  he guided Alexis toward the building and through to reception.                       
       
           



       

Alexis gave her name to the receptionist and joined Raoul in the  waiting room. He could feel her nervousness wash over him in waves. If  theirs had been a normal relationship, he'd be holding her hand right  now, infusing her with his strength and lending her his support.  Instead, she perched on the chair next to him, as tightly wound as a  bale of grapevine trellis wire.