New Year at the Boss's Bidding(30)

'Believe what you like. There isn't a future for us. You never wanted  what we shared to continue. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like you to  leave.'

She moved towards the front door, desperate for him to leave. All she  wanted to do was give in to her grief. The man she loved would never  love her. She'd been nothing more than entertainment on a cold winter  night. If his family had arrived as planned there was no way she and  Xavier would have spent the night together.                       
       
           



       

'No, Natalie.' He spoke firmly but still managed to caress her name,  taunting her with the use of it. She closed her eyes against the  memories that soft and seductive tone released. She couldn't remember  now. She had to be brave and strong. 'Lo non lascio.'

Tilly's heart sank. Did he have to use his first language? She tried to  think through the fog of confusion, trying to recall her childhood  Italian. He wasn't leaving. Well, she wasn't going to stand here and be  tormented by him.

'You will leave. Right now.' She folded her arms, whether to protect  her heart or stop herself from reaching for him she wasn't sure.

Xavier moved towards her, his dark eyes intense. They made her feel as  if she was the only woman in the world he wanted. But she knew that  wasn't true. 'I don't want to leave you, Tilly.'

Please, she wanted to shout as he spoke again in Italian. It sounded so  romantic, so seductive, but she knew it wouldn't mean what she wanted  it to-that he wanted her, loved her.

She was so distraught by his presence that she couldn't fathom the  fast-flowing words, couldn't decide what he'd been saying. All she knew  was that he had to leave. Right now.

'Just go, Xavier. I don't want to hear what you have to say, no matter  what language you use.' She turned her back on him and strode to the  window, looking out over the grey London street.

* * *

Xavier walked to the door of Tilly's flat, total desolation filling  him. He'd almost poured his heart out. Unable to think in English, he'd  told her in Italian, which he knew she could understand, that he was not  going to walk away from the woman he loved. But her insistence that he  leave had numbed him, making speaking in any language impossible. She'd  even turned her back on him.

He couldn't go. He couldn't leave her. Sofia's advice drove him on and  he strode over to where she stood, resolutely staring out. 'I'm not  going anywhere, Natalie, not without saying what I have to say about  us.'

She turned to look at him, her face upturned and the blue of her eyes  so vivid it was like being at sea on a summer day. 'There is no us.  Never has been and never will be. I was your hired help. We should never  have done what we did. It was wrong. Wrong on every level.'

'Not after the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve, you weren't my hired help. And what is so wrong with passion?'

'Nothing.'

He narrowed his eyes as she looked up at him, defiance in every breath  she took. She was so beautiful he wanted to lower his head and claim her  lips once more, to bring that passion back to life until it consumed  them completely.

'Then why hide from it? Why don't you allow it into your life? What are you afraid of, Tilly?'

He touched her arm in a gesture of concern but she flinched and stepped  back from him. He was losing her-and he couldn't let that happen. He  couldn't lose the only woman he had ever loved. The only woman he would  ever love.

'You are the one hiding, not me,' she said calmly, and frustration  zipped around his body. He'd never thought telling a woman he loved her  would be so difficult.

Her words were true. He was hiding, or rather avoiding the issue. He  knew he was sidestepping the moment he had to put his heart on the line  and tell her he loved her, that he couldn't live without her. He would  be exposing all his vulnerabilities, exposing himself to her rejection.  Was that why he couldn't form the words in English? Because he knew for  certain she would understand?

'I'm not hiding from anything.'

'All the time you were at the manor you hated the Christmas tree and  everything it represented. If I'm hiding from passion then you too are  hiding from something.'

'You are right,' he said, and let out a deep breath. She had to know  everything, from the nightmares that haunted his sleep to the love he  felt for her. He had to tell her now, because he sensed this was the  last time he would ever see her, that if he didn't say something now she  would shut him out of her life completely-and he wasn't about to stand  by and allow that. 'Maybe we should talk over dinner?'

'No.' She shook her head determinedly.

'Ottimo. We shall talk now.'

She didn't move away from the window and when she returned her  attention to the rainy street his heart sank. She didn't want to hear  what he had to say.

'It's time for me to move on, to start living my life again.' The fact  that he could do that was all down to her, but he couldn't do it without  her.                       
       
           



       

She looked earnestly into his face, her blue eyes searching his.  'You're right. You bear the scars, both physically and emotionally.  You've lost a friend, but he wouldn't want you to put your life on  hold.'

He frowned at her as she said almost the same as Sofia had. 'No, he wouldn't.'

'Would you want that if the roles were reversed? Would you want him to live with guilt eating at him for the rest of his life?'

'That is what Sofia, his widow, has just told me. She doesn't blame me  and said Paulo would be angry if he knew I was.' Images of his friend  rushed through his mind.

'So now you can stop punishing yourself.'

'The way I handled those days at the manor was wrong, but I can't lose  you, Tilly.' He put himself on the line as he said the words. She didn't  move. It looked as if his words had frozen her. 'Not when I love you.'

He'd finally said it. He'd given life to the emotion that had been  burning deep inside him since the moment he'd met Tilly. The silence  that filled the room was so loud it almost deafened him.

* * *

Tilly's head spun and her heart thumped harder in her chest. She looked  into Xavier's eyes, hoping to see love, but saw only hard  determination. How could he say he loved her when he had just returned  from another woman's side?

'You don't mean that.' She shook her head in denial and returned her  gaze to the growing darkness of the street outside, wishing he would  stop torturing her. He'd been photographed with another woman-hours  after leaving her.

He took hold of her arms and spun her round to look at him. She wanted  to avert her gaze, but with the heat of his touch burning through her  jumper she couldn't. 'I mean every word of it, Tilly. I have thought of  nothing else but you since the moment we met.'

She lowered her gaze, trying to resist the urge to babble out whatever  words came into her head, but the urge was too strong. 'But I saw you-at  the party last night, with your latest lover.'

His grasp on her arms loosened and she knew she'd said the wrong thing. 'How?'

Now she would have to spill the whole sorry truth about looking him up  on the internet, about searching for information about the accident. 'I  saw the pictures on the internet.' She pressed her lips firmly together  to prevent herself airing more babbling excuses.

She kept her gaze averted but when she looked up again it was to see a  wary look of surprise on his handsome face. 'Does that mean you couldn't  stop thinking of me?'

'Yes. I mean no.' She knew she was in danger of talking too much again  and pulled herself free of his grasp. She couldn't think straight when  he was so near, when the intoxicating scent of him made her remember  those nights she'd sworn she would forget.

'Natalie, don't.' The sexy accent he used for her name drew her up sharply and those memories hurtled back.

'Don't what?' she asked in exasperation. He really had to go before she  spilled everything out and told him she loved him. But she couldn't do  that. She couldn't risk it. Already he'd tired of her and could hurt her  far more than Jason ever had. She couldn't face rejection again.

'Don't hide. Don't run.'

She couldn't look at him. 'I'm not hiding or running, Xavier. I just  want to be honest with myself and you. I can't be with you, not how you  want anyway.'

'And how exactly do I want to be with you?' The gruffness of his voice hinted at his frustration.

'I can't be just another woman, one you call when you are in London. I'm not that type of girl.'

He took her swiftly in his arms, pulling her excruciatingly close to  him. 'I've tried to forget you, tried to put you to the back of my mind  as nothing more than a memory. I have no idea who I was pictured with. I  might have been there at the party, but in my mind I was still at the  manor with you, the only woman I want.'

* * *

Suddenly everything became clear and Xavier could see why Tilly was so  anxious. Since the accident he'd never had a serious relationship. He'd  only dated a woman once, always avoiding anything more intimate, worried  about his scarred body.