Nerd Girl(128)

“You haven’t returned any of my messages,” he said accusingly. His eyes had become hard.

My lips pressed into a thin line. “What do you want, Ryan?” I asked again.

This wasn’t starting out well. I exhaled a long, deep breath. He looked down and pressed his lips together, struggling to figure out how to start or what to say.

“I fucked up,” he said frankly. “I royally fucked up the best thing that ever happened to me.” He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. “I’m sorry, Julia. I wanted to tell you that I’m so sorry, for everything.” His eyes went from being cold and hard to vulnerable and nervous again.

I looked at him impassively. If I moved or said anything, I feared the delicate hold I had on my emotions would come apart and I would become a blubbering mess in front of him.

“I love you, Julia. I think about you every single day, every goddamn minute,” he declared passionately, his face contorted into regret.

His words unleashed the opposite feelings from what I expected. “You can’t say that to me,” I hissed indignantly. “You can’t saunter in here and say those words to me after six weeks of—of doing what you did.”

I angrily shoved past him, moving out of the foyer. Anger was good. It was better than crying. He followed me into the living room. I stood in the far corner of the room with my arms crossed over my chest, making sure I kept some physical distance between us.

His brows were furrowed and his eyes blazing; he looked uncomfortable but determined. “How else do I tell you that I regret what I did? The moment you walked out my door, I knew I had made a horrible mistake. I got scared. I was so used to taking care of Catherine; I just got really freaked out. She made some impulsive and emotional decisions. I did the same.” He rubbed the palm of his hand over his face and took a deep breath.

“Taking care of her and being with you, I know now that those things didn’t have to be mutually exclusive.” His shoulders hung down now in defeat, his voice full of regret. “I know I hurt you deeply. I’m so sorry I couldn’t figure it out then, but I’m here now. I don’t expect things to continue where we left off. All I ask is for another chance at earning your love, Julia.” His voiced cracked at his last words.

My heart clenched and I struggled to get breath into my lungs without him seeing right through me. “Why now, Ryan? Did you get bored? Did running into me the other day provoke something in you?” I couldn’t help the bitterness that seeped through my words.

He ignored my snarky comment. “She’s now at a point mentally and emotionally where she understands what motivated her actions. It doesn’t change the fact that I had given up the one person who mattered most to me in the world … you.”

Damn him. I could feel the tears prickling behind my eyes.

“She’s fighting for her life right now and I intend to be by her side for every minute of it. My unhappiness about you was never part of her plan. She said she had only been thinking about herself. I can’t really blame her for that, though.”

I wanted to continue hating him, but I couldn’t disagree with anything he was saying and I couldn’t pretend that I didn’t understand where Catherine was coming from.

He eyed me carefully, gauging my every reaction. He must’ve seen something encouraging, because he began moving towards me. He wrapped his arms around me in a gentle embrace and my tears welled at his touch.

Any attempt at trying to appear unaffected went out the window when he held me. I inhaled deeply, breathing in his familiar and comforting scent, feeling the warmth of his body and the strength of his arms. I leaned into him and rested my cheek on his chest. I could feel his heart beating underneath. One last time; one last time for me to feel and memorize how it feels to be in his arms. One last time. I heaved a sigh then pushed him reluctantly away.

He tried pulling me in close again but I restrained my arms against him. A sad cry of protest and pain escaped my lips, a plea for him to release me. After putting some distance between us, I turned my face away, my body shaking.

“You’re still doing her bidding. You’re only here because she’s given you her blessing,” I whispered with resentment.

“If she weren’t okay with it, I would still be here, Julia,” he replied vehemently. “This was my mistake, not hers.”

I turned to face him. God, he took my breath away. There was a desperate, sad, and hopeful longing to his expression. It took everything in me to not reach out to him and fall back into his arms. I had to remind myself that he had destroyed everything. My heart had been obliterated by what he had done so quickly and thoughtlessly, without any regard to me. He had the power to completely destroy me at his will. He’d already done it once.