Nerd Girl(126)

“Um, we better get going, Ryan. Everyone’s waiting for us,” Catherine reminded him gently.

“It’s my mom’s birthday today,” Ryan said. “We’re meeting at her house for brunch.”

That explained why they had stopped into the bakery. I knew he couldn’t know this, but the simple act of going to his mother’s house to celebrate her birthday actually caused a dull ache in my chest. It hurt to see him doing this seemingly normal thing with Catherine, whom I knew had a very close relationship with his mom. I would never get to build my own relationships with his family; Catherine would always hold that position. They had spent all morning together and probably woke up in bed together, too.

Lightly touching his arm, Catherine said, “I’ll wait for you outside.”

Before leaving, Catherine looked between Ryan and me for an extended moment. I thought I saw sadness and something in her eyes I couldn’t quite identify. It wasn’t malicious, unkind, or jealous. My eyes followed her as she exited the café and it hit me—it was regret that I saw in her gaze.

Ryan said my name, which brought me back to attention. I met his gaze, still perplexed by the expression I had seen on Catherine’s face.

“Julia, I want you to know that … well … I’m not with Catherine like you might be thinking.”

His comment took me by surprise. Are there different types of “with” I don’t know about? Does he mean with like the biblical “with”?

“Oh,” I said, realizing that my face must have revealed my thoughts. “Okay …”

“Anyways, I just needed to let you know that.” He brushed his fingers into his hair and I couldn’t help noticing how it caused some of his hair to stick up in an adorable messy way.

We continued gazing at each other, neither of us wanting to move or say the wrong thing. He pressed his lips tight together and nodded his head as if he had just given himself an internal pep talk. He bent down and lightly kissed my cheek, then whispered under his breath into my ear, “I love you.”

It was so softly spoken, I wasn’t sure I even heard it or if it was in my imagination. Before I could react, he had turned around and walked away.

“Is he gone?” I asked Anna breathlessly.

She nodded. I started shaking and then my tears finally welled over. I squeezed my eyes shut and began to cry. I was vaguely aware of Anna holding one of my hands. My shoulders shook and I broke down right there in the middle of the café, hoping to God he didn’t walk back in and see me.

I had tried so hard to be so strong these last six weeks. I had tried everything in my arsenal in hopes of not thinking about him or being reminded of the hole in my heart that he had left. One run in with him completely broke me down. I didn’t know how or if my heart would ever recover.





Monday night after work, I went for a run on my most convenient running trail, which coincidentally took me past Ryan’s house. For the record, this had been my running trail ever since I moved to Queen Anne, long before I even knew the illustrious Ryan McGraw. I ran west on Highland Drive, one of the most exclusive blocks in the city. Where the road ended and turned into Eighth Avenue, there was an overpass. If you looked down over it, you would see his house. I had been avoiding this route since we had broken up, but today I decided to take my old path out of pure spite. I was no longer going to let him have any influence on my life, even if it was just a goddamn running trail.

After seeing him Saturday morning, I had let myself mourn once more for him. I didn’t hold back and I let the emotions run through me. I cried it all out all day. Anna came back home with me and kept me company through the late evening. She did my nails and we ordered takeout and watched chick flicks through the rest of the day and evening. She got me ice cream from Molly Moon’s, but the salted caramel did little to assuage the emptiness in my chest.

On Sunday, I felt a new resolve. I had finally reached the anger stage of mourning Ryan McGraw. It was the, “I love you” crap he pulled that pissed me off. How dare he say that to me after everything he’d put me through? If he really loved me, he would’ve walked away and allowed me to continue the mending of my heart.

I was done. I told Anna to set up our double date with the hot ex-soccer player guy from Ethan’s office. I would focus on my new job with a renewed energy. Ryan was a bump in the road on my journey through life. Well, okay, maybe he was a major sinkhole, but, six weeks post Ryan, I finally felt like I was starting to come out of the darkness. I jumpstarted my career again and I was moving on without him. I made it through the worst part and I had no intention of ever going back to that dark, sad place again.