Nerd Girl(130)

I arrived at Macrina’s about five minutes after ten. I glanced quickly around the café and found Catherine already seated in the back corner of the room. She immediately spotted me and waved to flag my attention. I nodded towards the barista to let Catherine know that I wanted to order my coffee first. Catherine nodded back in acknowledgement. She looked nervous. She had cut her hair and ironically, it looked a lot like mine. I couldn’t help feeling a little irritated by that. Not to flatter myself or anything, but I wondered if she got the idea from me. Regardless, it irritated me that it looked fabulous on her. Then again, Catherine was one of those women who could wear a bag over her body and she would still make it look beautiful. I was just surprised she had the guts to cut her gorgeous blond hair, since it was a signature trait of hers.

As the barista poured my coffee into a mug, I couldn’t help but remember back to the first time I met Catherine. She exuded confidence, beauty, class, and everything I wanted to be. I would never have predicted the situation we found ourselves in. I guess life was never predictable, no matter how convinced you were that things were going to turn out. One thing I’ve learned is that you can choose how you handle life’s surprises. You can hold onto pain and bitterness or you can choose to take the steps to let it go. Though I fought the emotion every day, I was tired of being bitter about Catherine. It took too much energy.

I wasn’t sure what she wanted to say to me this morning, but for all intents and purposes, we each had an equal right to be angry with one another. Whatever she needed to say to me, I needed to promise myself to have the strength of character to not be petty and angry anymore. I needed to be a better person for me. I needed to let it go. What she did by asking Ryan to break up with me was wrong and I planned to tell her that, but I’m going to walk away from this with my head held up high. Let her be the one to regret her choices, not me.

I speculated that maybe she was here to apologize. I’d like to think that she was a better person than the lasting perception I was left with. I still wanted her to be that person I so admired when I first met her. Maybe after today, I would understand a bit more about her decisions. Regardless of the part she played in this drama, it didn’t change the fact that Ryan had given in to her requests. I understood this now. He was the one that broke us, not her. He’s the one that gave up on us. No matter what Catherine said, she couldn’t make up for Ryan’s mistakes.

After adding some nonfat milk and a blue sweetener to my coffee, I made my way over to Catherine. We both said our polite hellos and I seated myself across from her. My back was straight and I met her gaze straight on. I wanted to look in her eyes and show her that they hadn’t broken me.

Talk about awkward situations … What in the world does one say to the ex-fiancé of the man you were in love with, who took him away from you after revealing she had a life-threatening illness, after you took him away from her first? It was all borderline tragic romance fiction. Thankfully, she was prepared and I didn’t have to say much to start the conversation.

“Thanks for coming, Julia. I know it’s asking a lot of you, after everything that’s happened.” Unlike the guarded expression on my face, Catherine met my gaze with a sincere look of gratitude. She looked tired this morning, and thin, even under her bulky wool sweater. Maybe it was the new haircut.

I didn’t know what to really say in response, so instead of degrading the conversation with polite talk about the weather or some other insincere comment, I said, “How are you doing, Catherine?” I made my tone and word emphasis perfectly clear so she knew that I wasn’t talking about how her morning was going. I wanted to know how sick she was and how she was holding up.

Before Catherine answered, she took a deep breath. “Some days are better than others. But I’m not going to sugarcoat it. It’s been rough. In the last six weeks, I’ve had to come to term with my diagnosis. I’ve had two surgeries, countless appointments, a heap of scans and screenings, a wicked stomach virus, and I finally start chemotherapy on Tuesday.”

I swallowed hard after her description of her last month. Shit. No matter how hard it had been for me during this same period, I knew it didn’t compare to the frightening series of events that Catherine had gone through, and had yet to go through.

“I’m so sorry, Catherine. I can’t imagine how hard it’s been for you.” I meant every word I said.

Catherine shrugged her shoulders. Her face turned grim. “I don’t know if you’ve talked to anyone from the team, but I’m on a leave of absence right now so I’m able to focus on my health. My doctors say that my odds of making it are … good. However, they also say when everything is all said and done; I’ll have been through hell and back.” She paused and her brows furrowed. “Ryan has been with me every step of the way.”