Nerd Girl(129)

I’d finally built a protective shell around my heart and I was moving forward one step at a time. I had real difficulty believing that I could ever fully trust his love. In the absence of certainty, I wasn’t going to gamble again with him. I’d played and I’d lost. Only an idiot bets on the same risk twice. He would always choose Catherine. It was just the way things were. My heart clenched in agony as I realized what I was about to say.

“I can’t,” I said with resignation and heartache.

“Why?” he demanded.

My face contorted in pain. “My heart can’t handle it. I’m barely recovering as it is. I wouldn’t recover another time,” I whispered, now shaking, trying to hold back and prevent my emotional dam from breaking.

He got in my face and lifted my chin, forcing me to look at him. His eyes burned with intensity. “Julia, I love you.”

I cringed visibly at the sound of his words.

“I know I really screwed things up, but I’m not giving up,” he said with quiet forcefulness. “I’ll wait as long as it takes. I’m not going to let you end us because of my stupidity.”

I started to feel claustrophobic under his fierce gaze. I needed an escape route. I couldn’t bear the pain of being in his presence any longer because a stronger force wanted to give into him and throw caution to the wind. My mind needed to think for my heart. I couldn’t take another calculated risk.

In desperation, I shook his arms off of me and stepped away. “Ryan, you should just go,” I urged him as tears started falling down my cheeks. “I just … I can’t do this,” I whispered, shaking my head. “Please, just go and leave me alone.”

Ryan gazed at me for what seemed like an eternity, unspeaking, with rough intensity and longing. “I think you just need some time to think about it. I’m not going to give up that easily, Julia,” he finally said, quietly and with determination, before he turned and walked out my door.

I blew out a huge breath after his departure, but it wasn’t a sigh of relief. I spent the rest of the night second guessing my decision.





The next morning, I received a call from an unknown number.

“Julia?” The woman’s voice sounded vaguely familiar. “It’s Catherine.”

I sat straight up in my bed, completely taken off guard. Sheesh, when it rained, it poured.

“Oh, hi.” I couldn’t hide the surprise in my voice. Why the hell would she be calling me? “Oh God, did something happen to Ryan?!” I cried. Fear had started pounding through my veins.

“No, no. Nothing’s wrong,” she said quickly. “Or at least something that I’m hoping isn’t too late to fix.”

What? “I’m sorry, um … I don’t mean to be rude, Catherine, but why are you calling me then?”

She took a deep breath before answering. “Julia, I know this is going to sound a little weird and it’s totally out of the blue, but I was wondering if you could meet me for coffee later this morning.”

I was speechless, taken completely off guard by her invitation.

“I … Shit,” she whispered the last word to herself, “I know you must really resent me right now, but I’d like to talk to you about Ryan.”

My decision about Ryan hadn’t changed since yesterday. I wasn’t sure why she wanted to speak to me. I was suspicious of her motives. “I’m not sure that’s such a good idea, Catherine. It’s done. It’s over. We don’t need to rehash the details. I really hope—”

“I need to make amends,” she blurted out before I could finish my last sentence. “Please, can we talk in person? The things I have to say, I don’t want to say over the phone.”

“Did he ask you to do this?” I demanded.

“What?” She actually sounded confused. “Um, no, he doesn’t know I’m calling you.”

“Oh,” I said surprised. My curiosity got the best of me, so I relented. “Meet me at Macrina’s at ten?”

“Okay, that sounds good,” Catherine replied. “Thanks, Julia, I’ll see you soon.”

I thought I heard relief in her voice.





I immediately regretted agreeing to meet with her. I sighed in frustration, wondering why I was opening myself up to this again. This door was shut last night and the lock and key were hidden away in a safe place. But there was this sick part of me that was a glutton for punishment and was curious what Catherine could possibly want to say to me. What if Ryan was sending Catherine to speak on his behalf? If that really were the case, then they were perfect for each other. Honestly, though, would he actually have the gall to have Catherine call me just because I turned him down? I didn’t know what to think anymore. I huffed out another frustrated breath and looked at myself one final time in the mirror before I walked out my door.