Nerd Girl(127)

I knew I was a person that possessed what I called internal fortitude. I had always been good about doing whatever I told myself that I would do. When I set a goal for myself, I usually achieved it. I just needed to reach that pivotal point in both heart and mind that said it was time to do it and then I would move forward with whatever it was. I would put everything I had into it; I did nothing half-assed. Well, I had finally reached that pivotal point. If I hadn’t seen Ryan the other day, I’m not sure I would’ve reached it so quickly. In a way, running into him was really a good thing, because it gave me the kick I needed to get my head out of my ass.

The clouds were low this evening; I could feel the October chill in the air and the smell of rain that hadn’t started to fall yet. The leaves, in mixed colors of red, yellow, brown, and orange, were starting to collect along the gutters. As I found myself running past his home, I started running faster, spurred on by my anger. I didn’t look over the bridge. I just ran until I was well past the opportunity of looking back, literally and figuratively. As I ran the final stretch back home, the rain started to fall. Before going inside, I stretched and took in a deep, cleansing breath. I was ready to close the fissure in my heart, lock it up nice and tight, and throw away the key.





I heard the answering machine click off as I walked into my condo. Someone had just left a message. “You have one new message,” the automated voicemail prompt said. I pushed the button, bracing myself for a call from my mother, who loved to leave long lectures on the answering machine.

“Hi, Julia, it’s me, Ryan.”

I stopped mid hamstring stretch.

“Um, listen, I really need to talk to you. Call me back when you get a chance, okay? All right, bye.”

Well … fuck me. I plunked down onto one of my dining room chairs and just sat there, numb, staring out the window. If there was a heaven, someone up there was having a real field day with me. Hearing his recorded voice was jarring and it left me dumbfounded. He sounded … uncertain. He probably just wanted to try to be friends. I rolled my eyes. What an awful consolation prize that would be.

My stomach was churning. I exhaled a deep breath and took a moment to steel my resolve. Before my cool numbness wore off, I deleted his message and breathed a sigh of relief. Done. I was just going to behave like that hadn’t just happened, because I wasn’t going there again.

Two days later, he called again, this time he left a voicemail on my cell phone. I had been in morning meetings when he called and this time, I chose not to listen to the message at all. I deleted it as soon as I saw that it was from him. Why torture myself?

By Friday afternoon, I hadn’t heard back from him. I guess two attempts were enough for him. A part of me was disappointed; the other part felt pure relief. I’d be crazy if I didn’t admit that some part of me still got some satisfaction out of the fact that I was still on his mind, even if it was to just be friends.

I looked at the Seattle traffic report before heading home for the day. The internet map showed all red and black. Ugh. The rain really started coming down outside and I ended up sitting in traffic for over an hour. It royally sucked.

When I got home, I parked my building’s underground garage and thanked my lucky stars it existed so I didn’t have to walk through the monsoon. As I walked up the stairs and into the hallway, I saw Ryan sitting and waiting for me in front of my door. After a long, bleary-eyed commute, I thought I was seeing things. When I realized who it was, I was confused as to how he got in the building until I remembered that I had given him my building door code. He sat with his back against my door and with his arms resting on his bent knees. When he noticed me, he quickly stood up.

I didn’t greet him. I found myself in defensive mode. “What do you want?” I asked bluntly.

“Hi, Julia, can we go inside and talk?” he asked a little nervously. Ryan was rarely the nervous type, so I felt a little smug knowing I still had some power over him.

I glared at him. I resented him for prolonging this thing between us; I just wanted him to let it go. I let him in because I just wanted to get this over with. I opened the door without glancing at him further and walked into my home, leaving the door open for him to follow me. I wasn’t going to make this easy for him.

I stood in the foyer, hoping this would be quick. My condo suddenly felt small. His tall body and broad shoulders seemed to take up most of the space in my entryway. I took a couple of steps back to get some distance. The close proximity to him was unnerving. The quick anger and shock I felt at seeing him in front of my door was already starting to wear off, swiftly replaced by uncertainty and fear.