Nerd Girl(131)

And there it is. The elephant makes his presence known.

I nodded. “I’m glad,” I said honestly. “He loves and cares for you so much. Of course he’s there for you.” I paused at the irony of my statement. Knowing what Catherine was going through, I was sincerely happy that she had Ryan to support her, even at my own expense, even if it meant that I wouldn’t have his love. I’m glad he had been there for her.

“Yes, I know. Ryan loves me … But he’s in love with you.”

My breath hitched and my mouth dropped open. She didn’t appear upset, angry, or bitter. The edges of her mouth lifted into an encouraging smile. I was confused.

Seeing my baffled expression, Catherine explained further. “After Ryan saw you last weekend, he was a mess. He tried to hide it from me and put on a brave face and all, but I could see right through it. Seeing you really got to him. He wasn’t himself after that and we ended up having a really long and good talk.”

Catherine paused and took a deep breath before continuing. “I know what I did was wrong. When I found out about the cancer, I was scared to death. I was already falling apart because of losing Ryan, and please don’t feel bad about that now, but with everything that was happening, my emotions just spiraled down in a really bad way. I panicked. I was in a really dark place, Julia. I grabbed onto my life raft, and that’s Ryan.” Looking shameful, she added, “I knew if I asked him, he would do it, too.” She looked at me with eyes full of regret. “It was horribly selfish of me. I’ve known him since I was a little girl. I knew exactly what buttons to push. He’s always felt a sense of obligation to me because of Daniel’s death. His whole life, Ryan’s tried to play substitute for brother, friend, boyfriend, and now caregiver. He’s always felt like he owed me something and I let him.”

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. I thought about speaking, but figured it would be better if she just got everything off her chest.

Her eyes brimmed over with tears and she wiped them a way in haste. “I’m not proud of what I did, but God, Julia, I needed him. I was so scared and asking him to break up with you was an act of desperation and fear of going through this alone. I took advantage of him. I know Ryan’s not the type of person to put himself first. You know he’s loyal to a fault. I have no family other than Ryan and his family to turn to. I’m so sorry, Julia, for what this did to the both of you. I wouldn’t blame God if he chose to take my life away for this, because it was an awful thing to do to someone you love.” She looked away in disgust.

I was floored by her confession and doubly horrified by how guilty she felt. “Catherine, don’t say stuff like that,” I said quietly. I knew she knew that I was referring to her comment about God punishing her.

“You know, he didn’t share with me that he had come to see you yesterday. But I wasn’t surprised. I knew he was going to fight for you,” she said with confidence and without any bitterness. “I’m surprised he didn’t do it earlier, frankly.”

“I told him it was too late,” I admitted softly, resigned to my decision.

“Why?” she asked gently. “You still love him, don’t you?”

“Because he needed your approval to do it.” My reply was bitter; I couldn’t help how I sounded.

“Oh, no, wait. He doesn’t know I’m here.”

“Well, that makes things so much better.” I couldn’t help being sarcastic. “You guys really need to crosscheck your notes.”

“Hold up, Julia. Don’t jump to anymore conclusions. He told me this week that he tried calling you a couple of times, but that you never returned his calls. He was afraid you had moved on and that you could never forgive him for what he had done. I didn’t know he went to go see you the other day until you told me. I’m here because I needed to talk to you of my own accord, for my part in this mess, not for his.”

I raised an eyebrow at her, not completely convinced but encouraging her to tell her side of the story.

“When we had our long talk the other night, he basically told me how it was going to be. He said what I did was wrong. I knew it just the same, but he called me on it. Now that I’ve come to terms with my treatment, I’m emotionally and mentally in a better place. I think that’s why Ryan finally shared his true feelings with me. He made the decision to get you back, regardless of what I thought or said. I had nothing to do with that decision. Fortunately we were on the same page.”

I exhaled a deep breath. They both had come to the same conclusion on their own—that they had wronged me. Okay, great. What was I supposed to do with that? The harm’s already been done.