More Than I Wanted(23)

“What’s that supposed to mean? Of course I care about him, but I need to decide if that’s the life I want to take on. The constant worry, the loneliness, it’s not fair judging me like that. You might be used to it, but I’m not. This is all new to me.”

She took a deep breath, “I guess. I don’t know what to tell you Kate. I guess I expected you to be different.”

I was silent and felt offended. I suddenly felt judged, and yet it was my life. I had to decide what was right for me, not for anyone else, just for me. And a year felt like a damn long time. Was I being selfish? I didn’t think so, I needed to come to a decision about my life, and nobody could do that but me.

I worded my response carefully. “I haven’t made any decisions. I’m just saying it’s been weighing heavy on me. Just as I fall in love with somebody, he’s going to leave. That’s a lot to handle in my world. I’m sorry I don’t have military life experience, but it doesn’t mean I don’t care.”

It felt tense. “I’m sorry. I probably came off stronger than I should have. I do understand, trust me, I do. I guess my heart just goes out for Austin, too. Take your time and make the decision that’s right for you.”

When we said our good-byes, I climbed into bed. My crappy day had just gotten crappier. First I had a fight with my boyfriend, and then I had another with my best friend. The day officially sucked.

Rolling over, I picked up a book from my nightstand. It was a paperback thriller I’d grabbed at the grocery store, but no matter how I tried to get into it, I couldn’t. It wasn’t happening, and my frustration grew. I put it back on my nightstand, giving up on my attempt at reading. My thoughts were clouded with thoughts of Austin, our fight, his going away, and Heather’s reaction to it all. Throwing the covers over my head, I groaned deeply. “This sucks.”

I climbed back out of bed and headed to the kitchen. Sure, make cookies late at night, exactly what I need. I pulled out a roll of slice and bake cookies and grabbed a cookie sheet out from the cabinet.

Slamming the pan down on the stove, I pulled a knife out of the drawer. I sliced the cookies with pent up aggression, and slapped them onto the pan. Cleaning off the knife, I turned on the oven and slid the cookies inside. Setting the timer, I frowned. This doesn’t exactly solve anything now, does it? Besides, who were the cookies for anyway, me or him. Oh, I’d certainly be eating one or two, but crap, here I was trying to make things better. I realized I wanted it to be better, I wanted to be with Austin, stay with Austin, and I was so damn scared of losing him – whether to another girl, his ex, or even to the war.

I hadn’t even started looking at my fear of losing him “that way”. There was real danger over there, and reports came back about the loss of troops regularly. What the hell would I do? How could I handle losing someone I loved? Maybe it was easier not to get involved at all, why risk that kind of pain? It was too much to think about, the reality of it all. How did families do this? It felt so much bigger than me, and with every new thought I was overwhelmed.

I sat down, placing my head in my hands. The tears were hot and silent, rolling down my cheeks. I didn’t want to lose him, not that way. I didn’t know if I was strong enough to go through that. I didn’t want to, didn’t want to worry for 365 days. I didn’t want to have knots in my stomach worrying about him if he didn’t call or write. I didn’t want to wonder if he was safe.

I wouldn’t be able to hold him, touch him, kiss him, or make love to him. Austin wouldn’t be here. He’d simply be a ghost, a memory, and I’d have to live like that for an entire year hoping he’d come home to me. I felt like a coward, but it was my truth. I didn’t know if I was strong enough to do this for an entire year.

I had to make a decision before I lost my courage. I went and pulled my cell phone out of my purse. “Need to talk, can you come over.” I texted the message before it was too late and changed my mind.

“It’s kind of late,” I got back.

“It’s important.”

“Give me thirty minutes,” he answered.

I hated what I was about to do. I hated myself for the cowardly decision I was about to make, but when it came down to it, a year was a year. I couldn’t put my life on hold and hope that things worked out. We were a new couple, there were no guarantees, and I’d be sick to my stomach daily for a year. I didn’t want to live that way.





Chapter 12





I felt sick to my stomach; when the knock came at the door I didn’t want to answer it. I knew if I did, I was going to follow through and tell him it was over. My heart was breaking, and I knew the minute I saw his face, looked into his eyes, I’d melt.