More Than I Wanted(26)

“Ready?” She said, standing at my desk.

“Yeah,” I was feeling somber. I didn’t know how I’d find the words. She’d be so disappointed in me, and would shut me out. My heart broke, knowing what was about to happen to our friendship.

Let’s be honest, Austin was all that I wanted, even more than I needed, and suddenly we hit a little bump and I bailed. I felt like a lousy person, a terrible girlfriend, and more than anything I was miserable. I wanted him back in my life, but for what? For what? A few more months, and then I would have to spend an entire year crying… every time I convinced myself it was a mistake and I should try to mend our fences, I also convinced myself it was time to let go. It was a no win situation.

Driving over to Pablo’s, I asked about Heather’s pregnancy wanting to avoid the other topic a little longer.

Heather’s tone got warm and she talked faster, excitement in her voice. “We’re going for an ultrasound, sonogram, whatever you want to call it, anyway, we’re going soon, and I can’t wait! We get to hear the heartbeat now, and it’s amazing, so fast and sweet…she’s like a little bean in there. Well, we don’t actually know if it’s a boy or girl, I just say she, but you know what I mean. I wasn’t too sick, and believe you me, the way people talk I was expecting to have horrible morning sickness, but really I just had some motion sickness time to time, like in a car.” She barely took a breath, and continued.

I loved seeing her so happy, so excited, and I realized I wouldn’t get to share in the rest of her pregnancy, the tiny details, going shopping, being there when the baby was born. My heart shattered into smaller pieces, if that was even possible.

“I think I go in a couple of weeks, and we might be able to tell if it’s a boy or girl, but we don’t know if we are going to find out. I mean, I want to know, he doesn’t want to yet, so we’ll see. We haven’t decided yet. We are discussing names, but nothing is confirmed yet. Amber is my favorite for a girl, and of course we’d like Scott Junior for a boy, but it’s not set in stone yet.” She started to laugh, “Oh my goodness, I’m just going on and on, I’m sorry about that.”

“Don’t apologize, it’s wonderful. I love to see you so excited, and I do want to hear every tiny detail.” I meant every word of that.

Pulling up to Pablo’s, I parked the car and took a deep breath. It was now or never. “I have something to tell you,” I said as we walked up to the hostess station.

She looked over, “Is it the fight you guys had? Is everything okay? Did you smooth it over, or is it still going on?” She showed obvious concern.

After being seated and placing our orders, I finally exhaled and started the processing of letting it out tiny bits at a time. I knew everything would be different when we left here today. I hated what was about to happen, but it was time.

“I broke up with Austin.” My voice was flat. I looked right at Heather, watching her expression.

“Over your fight, seriously? Honey, you guys can get past this. Emily means nothing to him at this point in his life, don’t let your insecurities get the best of you.” She was trying to comfort me.

“It wasn’t that.” I hesitated, maybe a little too long, and finally said the words. “I don’t think I can go an entire year worrying about him, not seeing him, and being sick to my stomach hoping, waiting for him to come home.”

“Oh.” Her voice was monotone. She needed to process what I told her, and then without warning, “Just like that.” It was harsh, I felt it. Nobody else in the restaurant would have been able to read her, but she was my best friend. I knew exactly what that tone and look were – disappointment, disappointment in me – and it stung.

“Heather, we haven’t even been together that long, and I’m not sure I’m ready to put my life on hold, and have my stomach in knots for an entire year.”

“He has to put his life on hold for an entire year, for you and this country…”

“Stop,” I shook my head. “He chose this life, I didn’t. I love him, and you know that. I just don’t know if I can love him being away for an entire year. It’s not like we have years invested in our relationship, it’s been months.”

“Fair enough, it’s just that you guys are so good together, and I know how much he cares about you.” She shrugged. “Does it make me a bad person to want the two of you to stay together?”

“I’m so afraid you’ll hate me,” I started to cry, “I don’t want to lose your friendship, but I know you don’t approve of this decision.”