More Than I Wanted(25)

My breathing slowed as I stared at the wall. I had to do it. I’d be sick to my stomach for an entire year. I love him, I do, but I don’t know if I can live that way. I just don’t know. I don’t know how long I sat there staring ahead, but I couldn’t move.

I couldn’t focus as much as I wanted to. My mind jumped from one thought to the next. My face was wet from tears, but the crying finally subsided. I looked at the pattern in the rug, and finally after what felt like ages, stood and made my way to the bedroom. Climbing into bed, I cried myself to sleep. What’s done is done.

My eyes were tired, sore from crying. I woke and didn’t want to get out of bed. How could I? I’d just destroyed my life. I’m nothing without Austin. I felt so dramatic, and yet I was broken. We were new, enjoying each other, still crazy in love, and I shattered it with a sledge hammer, breaking us apart.

I worried about him, and wondering how he was doing this morning. I wanted to call him, stop by, see him, tell him we’d be okay, but the truth is, we wouldn’t. We were no longer a couple, and it wasn’t my business to know how he was doing. We severed our bond last night, and I was no longer a part of his life. I cried again realizing what I’d done. I felt shell shocked, wondering what I was thinking. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I wanted to pull the covers over my head and stay there all day – and that’s exactly what I did.

I didn’t have it in me to call Heather, I knew what she’d say, and how disappointed she’d be. I refused to answer my phone when it rang later. I looked at the caller ID. It wasn’t Austin. He wasn’t calling and begging me to take him back, in fact it was way too silent. I wanted to talk to him, talk about it, needed to talk to him, but he wanted no part of talking. He made that clear when he walked out. I didn’t have the strength to discuss anything with anyone. I only wanted Austin back, and yet I was the one who pushed him away. I hated myself, hated myself so much, and yet knew deep down it had to happen.

I could only avoid Heather so long, since I’d see her at work. I dreaded that first look between us. Usually a best friend would hug you, comfort you, tell you it would be okay, but I all ready knew where she stood. She made that clear, and she’d take his side. I felt alone, and had no one to talk to. I could always call my folks, but I hated to involve them. I had other friends, but they wouldn’t understand, couldn’t know what this was about. How could they know, understand the idea that their boyfriend would be leaving for a year…sure in theory, but how could they really know? There was emptiness inside of me.

Walking down the corridor at work, I looked at the floor. I had to walk directly past Heather’s cubicle to get to my own. I was afraid to see her eyes, the look of disappointment. She made it clear when I called her the other day where she stood. I ached for understanding, but I wasn’t sure if I’d get it.

She watched me walk by, gave a little wave, but didn’t say anything. Maybe she didn’t know. Oh my gosh, I didn’t tell her yet. Austin probably didn’t say anything, why would he? He’s probably dwelling in it by himself. No wonder…I dreaded telling her, and knowing we’d have to discuss it during lunch. Maybe I could put it off, tell her after work, or even just wait until tomorrow.

A little later, she was standing at my cubicle, “You okay?”

“What?” I looked up from my computer screen. I didn’t want to look her in the eye, not yet.

“You don’t seem like yourself, you’re quieter than usual.”

“I’m fine, just a lot on my mind. Can we maybe go out for lunch today, instead of eating here? I could really use someone to talk to.” I didn’t want to have this conversation, but I couldn’t avoid it forever. She’d hate me when it was over, and there’s not a damn thing I can do. I made my decision and now I have to live with it.

“Yeah, sure,” she said. “Let’s go a little later, so it’s not crowded. Want to do Pablo’s, say maybe two? We can stretch our lunch break a little bit, since things are slower.”

“Do you have something to hold you over, Momma?”

She smiled, patting her belly, “Yeah, I have some crackers in my drawer.”

I knew she’d hate me after lunch. It made me sad. I had to tell her though; it wasn’t fair to leave her hanging. I mourned the loss of our friendship before it happened. She’d made herself perfectly clear on the phone the other day.

As lunch approached, I had knots in my stomach, knowing I couldn’t avoid the topic. I glanced at the clock easily a hundred times, and as the minutes ticked closer I dreaded the impending conversation. What’s done is done, and I had to face the consequences.