More Than I Wanted(24)

Only this wasn’t just about today, tonight, or tomorrow. This was about an entire freaking year, a year of torment, worrying, crying, and hoping he would be okay. I needed to break this bond before I got in any deeper. There was no turning back, I’d made my decision.

I took a deep breath and opened the door.

“You look somber,” he said. “Are you okay?”

I sucked my bottom lip into my mouth, trying to hold back tears. Shaking my head no, I caught my breath, desperately willing myself not to cry.

“What’s the matter, Kate?” He came in to hold me.

Oh his arms, his solid strong arms, don’t let go. His chest, his shoulders, firm and strong; I want him so badly, and yet it will only lead to hurt and pain down the road. Be strong, you have to do this, it’s better to let go now. It will be pure torture to miss him and worry for an entire year.

I couldn’t find my words, and let him hold me.

Finally, he pulled back just far enough to tip my chin up and look me in the eyes. “What is it, baby? Is it the fight from earlier today? It’s okay, I’m not angry, it’s going to happen. Arguments happen, don’t let that worry you. I’m not going anywhere.”

I felt like a heel. I broke down. I needed to tell him, but I couldn’t. I wanted him, wanted to be with him, just one more time. It was wrong, I shouldn’t, and yet I couldn’t see right from wrong at this moment – I could only see Austin, my sweet, handsome Austin holding me close.

“Shhh,” he said, pulling me closer again. He kissed the top of my head, “It’s okay, Kate.”

I finally broke free, “It’s not all right.” I was sobbing, ugly crying now, “I can’t do this. I’m a coward. I can’t do this, not for an entire year.”

It took him a moment to realize what I was saying. He walked away, paced for a moment and then sat on the sofa looking at me. His voice was soft, “What are you saying?”

“I can’t do this. I’ll be sick to my stomach for a year straight, worrying about you, hoping you’re okay, wondering what’s going on, knowing I’m not a part of your daily life. I won’t be able to see you, hold you, make love to you,” I was rambling, talking fast. “I don’t know if I can go an entire year. That’s a long time.”

“I see,” he stood again, and put his hands in his front pockets. He was shaking his head, trying to absorb the words.

Nothing. He didn’t say another thing. He just stood there.

“Say something, anything,” I pleaded.

“What do you want me to say?” He slowly walked towards the door.

“No, don’t go, not yet. Talk to me, get angry, please do something, say something…” but it was too late. He didn’t beg me to change my mind, he didn’t hold me, he didn’t try to make it better, he simply turned away.

Austin pulled the door shut behind him and was gone. The room felt empty and swallowed me completely. I felt small, and my chest heaved as the sobbing started.

I dropped to the floor, crying hysterically. I just let the best thing that has ever happened to me walk out the door. I am a complete fool. I wanted to run after him, tell him I changed my mind. Only, it wouldn’t change the fact that he was leaving for an entire year, and I’d be left with the same dilemma all over again.

My heart broke and fell to the floor in little pieces.

I was in shock. Did I really just do that? How? Why? This is wrong, I need to fix it. I have to call him back, text him, go to his house. I can’t let him go like this, I love him. It’s wrong…so many thoughts swirling through my mind, and yet I was frozen to the floor, crying, sobbing, unable to move or function.

I’m an idiot, how could I do that. It was a mistake; I should have stood by him. He has to go back there, and he’s going to be alone. I should have been strong. I’m a bad person, fuck, what did I do? What the hell? It’s not fair; he can’t expect me to do this, not for an entire year. It’s too much, I can’t handle it, it’s not fair. The tears wouldn’t stop.

I know, I’ll work with him, maybe we can write, stay in touch as friends. If we still want to stay together when he gets home, we’ll have forged a stronger bond by staying in touch. That’s it, I can still be his friend, but we’ll hold off on the relationship aspect. I’ll call him in the morning, we can work this out.

He won’t want to work this out, what did I just do. I’ve just pushed Austin as far away as I possibly could. I’m weak, I’m a fool, and he’s gone…I can’t live without him. I need him. What did I just do? This is a mistake…it was a mistake.