More Than I Wanted(27)

“Really, you thought you would lose my friendship over this? Oh Kate, we’re all human. We have to choose our own paths. You’re my friend, period. I liked it better when you were with Austin, but that’s not my choice to make. I don’t know if I’d make the same decision in your shoes, but this is the only life I’ve known for so long now, that it’s what’s normal to me.”

I felt a huge relief, like weight dropping off of my shoulders. “I was afraid to tell you. I love him so much, and I broke his heart. I’m still reeling, and I don’t know what to do. It’s been horrible. I talked to him this weekend, and he said nothing – he just turned around and left. You should have seen his face. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted him to say something, anything, at least fight for our relationship, but he didn’t.”

“He has a lot riding on this too, so maybe he was in shock. I mean, I’m sure he wasn’t expecting it. All of this just stinks, I mean…” she stopped herself from elaborating, “I’m sure he’s heartbroken, and you must be too. Have you thought about reconsidering?”

“Every second of the day, but then it comes down to the same thing. We get back together, I’m happy, and then he leaves – for a year. Imagine Scott getting called away when you’re about to give birth, suddenly he misses out on all of the first year of your child’s life. I don’t know if I can live with that sort of stuff.”

“Bite your tongue. We’re praying his touring days are over. They’re supposed to be doing a cut back, so a lot less guys are being called. I was honestly surprised Austin got called back. Jake is the kind of guy who volunteers and keeps going back; he may be a player with the girls, but he has his brothers’ back.”

“He wasn’t supposed to be on the list, but someone on the roster was dropped, and he was pulled to fill in.” I hated how our lives changed based on some technical paper error. Somebody else decided for us, and that seemed unfair. He didn’t want to go back, but didn’t have a choice.

“Yeah, they’ll send him to train for a couple of months, but most of the tours are closer to nine months now. They used to be longer, twelve and fifteen months. Then of course, there’s the reintegration, that runs about ten days when they get back home, and then usually a block of leave, somewhere around thirty days, based on how long they’ve been away. It’s not set in stone though, and any of that can change at any time. Sometimes it’s hurry up and wait, and even when you get a date it can get pushed back or moved up.”

“Heather, I don’t know how you do it, but I don’t think I can. It pains me to say it, because the feelings I have for Austin are real. I love him and could honestly see us together in the future, but I just don’t think I’m prepared for a year alone, worrying, crying, hoping to hear from him, and thinking something might happen to him.”

“I’ll be honest. I have mixed feelings. I really think you should give him a chance, give this a chance, and yet the thought of you splitting with him while he’s overseas would kill him. He went through so much with Emily, and I just don’t want him to get hurt.”

We discussed it frontwards and backwards, up and down, but it was time to get back to work. I left the restaurant feeling relieved, our friendship still in tact. I couldn’t imagine not sharing every bit of my life with Heather at this point. She was the best friend I’d had in a long time.

While I was happy that was behind me, I was still mourning the loss of my relationship with Austin. I missed him dearly, and wanted to hold him, feel him beside me, kiss him, and share life with him. Only now it wouldn’t happen – it was over. I sealed our fate, and there was no going back. I’d just have to sit in misery for awhile, until enough time passed to heal my pain.

Heather said she’d have Scott check in on Austin and see how he was doing, though she said she wouldn’t break his confidence, so don’t ask for details.

I woke in a cold sweat later that night. I was crushed, my face was wet from tears, and I had to steady myself. It was only a dream. I looked around my bedroom bewildered. In my dream, Emily was writing to Austin while he was away. She heard he was single again and they reconnected. Then I walked in on them making out at the local tavern…my heart was racing, my body drenched in sweat. I got out of bed and paced. It’s what I do best. I’m surprised I haven’t worn a hole through the floor yet, as often as I pace. After clearing my head, I climbed back into bed and hoped for the best.