More Than I Wanted(22)

“Yeah, he talks about me with Scott?” I sighed, “I don’t know. It’s just something I’ve always dealt with, and then seeing Emily at the bowling alley set me off. I’ve been a mess inside. It’s not like he wants to get back with her, but his past was right in front of me.”

“His past, Kate, and you’re the future,” she pacified.

“I know, I know, I hate how I do this. Sometimes I just think he’s too good for me. I mean, he’s a great guy, sweet, funny, and so damn good looking. I don’t deserve that. At some point, he’s going to realize how plain I am and look for something better. Trust me, I wish I didn’t feel this way, but after all of that, we didn’t have some wonderful make up sex, we sat and watched television and then he went home. There wasn’t some grand sweep me off my feet kiss, don’t worry baby, you’re the only one for me gesture. It was simply - see you later.”

“Of course you deserve him. You’re a great girl. I wish you didn’t talk like this. You’re so pretty, you have a great heart, and you’re fun to hang around. The two of you are good for each other. Besides, it was your first disagreement about sensitive topics. Give it time, it will all work out,” she soothed. “And give yourself a little more credit, you’re a great catch.”

“Thanks, you think? I hope it all works out. I hate how we left things. I mean, we made up and everything, but it just felt, I don’t know, off. And to be honest, I didn’t feel pretty after I saw her,” my voice got quiet.

“That’s ridiculous. You’re gorgeous, why would you even think that?”

“She’s prettier,” I sighed. “I hate that his ex-wife is gorgeous. I mean, couldn’t she be raggedy or something? I always think if he sees her again, his old feelings will come back.”

“That’s ridiculous, he hates her. She cheated on him and broke his heart. And so what, she’s pretty. She’s also a complete bitch. Who and what she is, well, that doesn’t even matter. The fact is Austin can’t stand the woman. She is not your competition, so stop making it into one in your head. Honey, you’re all that he wants, you need to remember that. He’s there by your side, and wants you to wait for him. Doesn’t that say something?”

“I guess,” my voice was low, barely audible.

“It has to be enough,” Heather said, “because if this is always hanging over you, you’ll never relax. You’ve got to trust that he’s there because he wants to be.”

I wish I could just let it go, I didn’t know how. It’s just that it’s always been there, this feeling like I wasn’t good enough, or as good as others. Maybe it’s some silly ugly duckling thing. It’s not like I had guys beating down my door asking for dates in high school. I was just some awkward, shy girl that blended into the walls. I never really stood out, and nobody told me I was special.

Even in college, sure I had a boyfriend or two, but I was more of an introvert. I guess I put up walls before people could get too close. I finally grew into myself and become a little more confident, but then a dust storm kicks up, and I feel like I’m back to square one.

I cleared my throat, “Sometimes I don’t want to try. I’m embarrassed to admit this, but it’s an entire year, and that feels like forever. I mean, if he was local I wouldn’t be questioning this. My reality is that I won’t even get to see him, kiss him, or anything. And I won’t get to talk to him that much,” I whined. “Seriously, I just don’t know if I’m ready to tackle this. We’ve only been together for a short time.”

“It’s still a couple months away, there’s more time to bond, and your relationship will grow.”

“Or I’ll just end up hurting more. I’m so torn. If I walk away now, I can save myself pain later, but end up losing out on a great guy. If I stay, it’s going to tear me to pieces when he leaves.”

“Are you really considering breaking up with him, just to get out of hurting and missing him? You’d walk away from a relationship that you adore?” She was genuinely surprised. I’d never given any indication that it was still a possibility on my plate.

“I don’t know. I don’t think so, but I honestly have to weigh all my options.”

“I just didn’t expect this from you of all people,” she said.

“Why do you say it like that?”

“I don’t know. It’s not like he’s going off to party, he’s going to be under incredible stress, and I guess it bothers me that you’d walk away over a tiny heartache. His life will be in danger, and having someone at home will help him through.” Her tone changed, “I guess you just don’t get that, like military wives do.”