More Than I Wanted(19)

“Yeah,” was all he said, and then turned to Scott and Heather, “We’ll meet you at the tavern shortly, can you give us about fifteen minutes first?”

“Sure, we’ll grab a pitcher to hold us over. We won’t order food until you get there.”

“Thanks, we’ll see you shortly,” he said. His face was stone cold, and I was certain he was about to blow.

He popped the locks on the car doors and we got in. “Who is that?” He turned to me, questioning my judgment. “You know damn well who that is.”

“What are you talking about?” I bit my cheek, trying to dodge the bullet.

“You know damn well who that was! I saw your computer’s history,” he said. “You were searching for information about me - snooping.”

“You what… Why would you do that? That’s not right. First it’s my computer, secondly, that’s kind of creepy that you’re checking up on me.”

“Oh really?” He said, pot calling the kettle black.

“Fine, I checked up on you. We had just started dating and I was trying to scope stuff out. What’s the big deal?”

“The big deal is you were just playing stupid back there. Who is that? Don’t play games with me.” His tone was harsh.

I looked down at my shoes, “And you stay the hell out of my computer history. It’s not your business what I search.”

“My wife cheated on me. I have a habit of checking up on people I’m in a relationship with. If you have nothing to hide, then we don’t have a problem.”

It stung a little, hearing his tone. This entire thing caught me off guard. We’d never discussed his ex-wife before, and now we were fighting about her.

“What about trusting someone? Why should I be criminalized because somebody else did something wrong, that’s not fair?” I said, annoyed we were even having this conversation.

He shook his head, “Look, I’ve got trust issues okay. Just don’t play stupid with me.” His voice softened.

I was torn in the moment. I felt violated that he’d searched my computer’s history. It was obvious when he did it. He often got up in the middle of the night, having trouble sleeping. And foolish me, I never emptied my searches. Why would I? I thought of my computer as mine, as private. I guess I didn’t realize he didn’t. I didn’t know what I felt in this moment. Betrayed for one, but embarrassed at being caught on the other hand.

Our first fight, and there it was – a trust issue. We’d both done something questionable, and hadn’t revealed it to the other. It wasn’t tragic, but it felt horrible. The tension was thick, and I just wanted it to pass. I knew with enough time, we’d be okay, but it felt like today was a mess. I didn’t want to go put on a happy face and party with my friends, laughing over lunch like everything was fine, but that’s exactly what I would do.

While it all spilled out, I wasn’t ready to reveal my strong insecurity to him. That was the last thing I needed to do, come off needy and pathetic. Yet, as usual I couldn’t stop myself from talking. Things just come out.

“Do you still love her? Do you think she’s prettier than me? Why didn’t you tell me your ex was your ex-wife? It’s kind of a big piece of information.”

He turned and looked at me like I had two heads. “Do I still love her? She fucked another guy while I was away at war. I fucking hate her; she destroyed my ability to trust.” He had nothing else to add.

I sat silently as he drove. Staring out the window, I bit my tongue before saying anything else. This was slowly turning into something else in my mind, morphing into a moment of insecurity. The issue was trust, but all I could see was a pretty girl he used to love. I hated that I couldn’t let go of it. I knew it was my mind playing with me, head games of the worst kind. They would pass eventually and I’d get over it, forget what happened, but I was feeling rather raw at the moment.

Austin parked the car in front of the tavern, and turned to look at me. “Are we good?” His tone was flat, and not his usual voice.

I shrugged, “I guess.” I didn’t know what I thought, but this entire conversation caught me off guard. I needed time to process it before I let it go.

Taking my hand, he lifted it up to his lips, kissing my fingertips. “Listen, I probably over reacted, but seeing her set me off. It was a rough time for me, and holds a lot of bad memories. When I needed somebody to be there for me, someone I thought was being faithful, waiting for me…well, some days it was all that pulled me through. I held onto that, cherished it, and then I realized I was played for a fool the entire time I was gone. Only, it wasn’t revealed right away. She let me believe she’d been faithful. It didn’t come out until later. I felt like an asshole when it was all revealed. Every time I think of her, see her, or anything to do with her, it sets me into turmoil. It’s my past, trust me, I don’t want it back. I want her to go away.”