Lust(52)

"That doesn't make sense. She doesn't want to be with you because of your job?"

"No," I answered again, but softer this time, more defeated. "It's  because of how I feel about things. I told her a while ago that I don't  believe in marriage. And because of those beliefs, she doesn't want to  be with me."

"Whoa." She stuck her hand out, palm facing me, to halt my confession.  "You two were already talking marriage? Cade, I was just here a week  ago."

"I know. And to be honest with you, you shouldn't have been. I had  called you over here to see if I could convince myself that I didn't  need her. But it was wrong. I was wrong. I did need her and I still do."

"Are you in love with her?" Her voice didn't sounded surprised, more of in awe than anything.

"Yes," I said proudly. "I am completely in love with Ivy Jaymes."

"Are you sure it's not just lust? You were just talking last week about  needing to fuck her. Lust and love tend to be confused, and since you've  openly admitted that you've never been in love or had a relationship  before, are you sure it's love?"

I laughed. "Alyssa, I know the difference between love and lust. My  career for the past twelve years has been about lust. This is love; I'm  sure of it."

"And when did this happen?"

"I don't know when it happened, but it's as much of a shock to me as it  is to anyone. I never expected to feel this way about a woman. But that  doesn't change anything. I still think marriage ruins people. If you  love someone, why can't that be enough?"

"Because you're not a woman. We are loud creatures by nature. If we're  in love, we want to shout it from the rooftops. Nothing tells the world  that we are happy more than a ring on our finger and a piece of paper  that proves it."

"But that's where you're wrong. A circle of metal and a piece of a  processed tree doesn't prove shit. All it does is trap two people  together like a cage, making it impossible for them to walk away if they  need to. I know …  I've seen it with my parents."

Her eyes grew soft and her shoulders slumped. "If you really love the  person, you wouldn't want to walk away. You would want to stick it out  and make it work. You'd want to be locked in a cage with them and never  be set free. Because outside of that cage is lonely and cold. You can't  go into a relationship looking for a way out, otherwise, at some point,  you'll get out. It's not fifty-fifty. You each have to put in a hundred  percent of yourselves and commit to it. After one stops doing that, it  won't take long before the other gets too tired from picking up the  slack. That's when things fall apart."         

     



 

"And that's when lives get ruined," I added.

"You already said you love her, but do you love her enough to spend the  rest of your life with her? If you guys have talked about marriage  already, I'm assuming that means you've given this some thought. Can you  imagine your life without her when you're sixty, seventy, eighty years  old?"

I didn't need to think about it. I irrevocably knew the answer. "Yes, I  want to spend the rest of my life with her. And no, I can't imagine my  life without her. But I've seen what it did to my parents and I can't do  that to her. It isn't about whether or not I want to walk away. It's  about her walking away. It's about her being trapped with me. My dad  couldn't live without my mom, but my mom no longer wanted to live with  him. I saw what that did."

"If she's choosing to push you away because you can't promise her  forever, then I'm going to safely assume that she won't want to walk  away from you in the event you gave her forever. I don't know anyone  that would."

"That's because you don't know my demons. If you did …  you'd run."

"Does she know them?"

I shook my head, not needing to verbalize my answer.

"Tell her. Let her make that decision."

"I can't. If I tell her … "

"What? She'll shut you out? Didn't you just tell me that she already  did? What do you have to lose? Part of that hundred percent means total  honesty, Cade. Come on, you should know this, Mr. Master's in  Psychology. You can't give her half of you and expect her to love all of  you."

She made a valid argument. I'd had feelings for Ivy before she told me  her secrets, yet it was after that when I realized I was in love with  her. I could never expect her to love me the same way if I wasn't  completely honest with her. And that's when it occurred to me that maybe  my dad hadn't been completely honest with my mom, and she ended up  finding honesty in someone else. I had been too young when it all  happened, and then after that, no one really talked about them. I never  really knew what went wrong in their marriage, but had blamed it on  marriage instead. What if Alyssa was right? What if my lifelong beliefs  had been skewed all this time?

"When did you become so versed on all things psychology?" I teased.

"You have kind of pounded it into me for a while now." She smiled and I  laughed, feeling some of the tension roll off for the first time since  leaving Ivy. It faded as soon as Alyssa's expression turned serious. "I  know you don't know my story, Cade, but in a way, you have helped me.  You've given me hope that I just might survive my past."

I had always known that I didn't know much about Alyssa or her past, but  for the first time, I found myself interested in it. Maybe it was Ivy,  making me see past my own issues and seeing people for more than flesh  and bones in front of me. Maybe I was changing and becoming a better  person. Whatever the reason was, I looked at the woman I had used for  sex, and felt the need to know more about her. I felt the need to have  her as more than just a side character in my life.

"What's your story, Alyssa?"

A small smile grew on her face as she shook her head. "This isn't the  time. You have a girl to chase down. What are you going to do about  that?"

"I'm going to go get her," I answered confidently with a smile of my own.





I didn't remember my drive back to Ivy's apartment, but for a different  reason than my drive away from there hours ago. Instead of dread and  defeat weighing me down, I was filled with nerves and hope. I decided to  come clean to Ivy about everything: my feelings, my past, and the  possibility of a future, and that made me so nervous I thought I'd throw  up. My stomach was turned inside out as I thought of all the different  ways it could go.

Alyssa had been right-I had nothing to lose. She had pushed me away and  closed the door in my face once already, and it would hurt if it  happened again, yet it wouldn't change things. The only way that things  would change is if she gave in and gave me a chance. That was where the  hope came in. And this time, it wasn't wishful thinking.

I beat my fist against the door, covering the peephole with my hand.

"Who is it?" she asked through the door, sounding slightly petrified.

"Police. Open up." I kept my voice low, making it sound authoritative. I  didn't want to scare her, but I needed her to open the door. It wasn't  planned until I knew I had to say something. That was the only thing I  could come up with on the spot.         

     



 

It worked, though, because the lock clicked open and then the knob  turned. I didn't wait for her to pull on the door before I took hold of  the door handle and pushed the door in. Bright silver eyes went wide as a  loud gasp sounded. She didn't have enough time to scream or push me  away before I was in the apartment with the door securely closed behind  me.

I slid my hand into the crook of Ivy's neck, tangling my fingers into  her hair in the back of her head and spun her around, pressing her back  against the door and covering her lips with mine. It took her a moment  before her mouth responded to mine. I slowly coaxed her lips apart,  invading her mouth with my tongue. She was soft and reactive, grabbing  the front of my shirt in her fists and pulling me into her. It wasn't  rushed or heavy, it wasn't desperate or hungry. It was hushed and  nurturing, indulgent and everything I needed.

The moment was over too quickly when Ivy used the hands twisted in my  shirt to push me away. I took a few steps back and looked at her just  before her tears welled up and fell over her lower lids like Niagara  Falls. I wanted to go to her. I wanted to wrap her up in my arms and  hold her against me. I needed to let her know that everything was going  to be okay and there was nothing to be sad about. But I couldn't do that  because she turned around after I took the first step. She leaned  against the door with her forehead and covered her face with her arms,  crying silently as her shoulders shook heavily with each deep sob.

I closed the space with two more steps until my arms were propped on the  door next to hers and her back was against my chest. Her pain radiated  through her body like heat and mine absorbed it, taking as much of it as  I could. I only wished I could have taken it all and left her  pain-free. But I couldn't since I was the one that had put it there to  begin with. It was my blindness that had set everything in motion. But  without that blindness, I might not have ever found myself with her in  the first place.