Lust(51)

Her voice was soft and meek as she responded, placing a hand on my chest  and pushing me away. "It's no one's fault. We were both irresponsible.  But I think that just proves why we would be no good together. We're  reckless and thoughtless. We're broken and damaged. Your world revolves  around sex and mine has taught me to fear it. We've been too wrapped up  in the drama that has encircled us and we've let it blind our  judgments."

With each slight shove into my chest, I couldn't help but to take a step  back until I was completely out of the doorway. But I wasn't ready to  give up that easily. I would fight as long as I had it in me to do so.  But I wasn't sure how long that would be for since the pain radiating  through my chest had me feeling weak and despondent.

"Don't give up just yet, Ivy. Please. We can figure this thing out.  Neither one of us has ever been in relationships before and it's going  to take us some time to get it right. Give us that time. That's all I'm  asking for, Ivy. Time. Let me prove to you that you're wrong about us." I  had never sounded so desperate before in my life.

She shook her head and looked me dead in the eyes, her insecurities gone  and replaced with determination. It just wasn't the same determination  that had filled me at the beginning of this argument. "Cade, tell me the  truth …  if I did get pregnant, what would you do?"

My head spun with her question. "I don't know." I hadn't thought about  it other than things would be okay. I didn't spend too much time  wondering what I would do, only how I would feel about it. Wasn't that  the most important aspect of it, anyway?

Her lips tightened as she nodded once. "I'll tell you what you'd do, and  I know this because you've already told me the answer once a while ago.  You would live in your house and I'd live here. We'd share the baby  because, as you've said, being a father isn't what you're against.  You're against living under the same roof as the mother simply because  the child exists. I want to be married some day and you don't. But I  don't want to get married only because I was reckless and thoughtless  and wound up pregnant because we were both so deep in the depths of our  darkness that we made a mistake. I want to find a man that loves me for  me and then start a family when the time is right and we've both planned  it. You can't give me any of that, Cade. You've said so yourself. It  was stupid of me to get into this knowing all of that."         

     



 

I had no words. Everything she said had been true. And I couldn't argue  my own words. All I could do was stand there as she closed the door in  my face. Regret, anger, and an intense, burning pain flooded me,  escaping from my eyes. I hadn't even realized it until I turned around  and noticed the fuzzy starbursts around everything. I couldn't even  remember the last time I felt that burning sensation behind my eyes and  experienced the warm trails of salt that raced down my face.

Maybe Ivy was right. Maybe my cousin had been right. Maybe I had been  wrong the entire time. She couldn't save me. She could only break me  open, take what she needed, and then leave me empty and in pieces-much  like a child's piggy bank.

Confusion swept over me as I made my way to my car in the parking lot  and absent-mindedly drove myself home. Thoughts flooded my mind in the  quietness of the car. Ivy did that. Because of her, I was able to sit in  the still, silent air and not hear the screams, the ringing, and the  deep, angry shouts. Instead, my mind was filled with thoughts of pain,  anguish, heartache unlike any I ever thought was possible, and her. How  could she be so wrong for me when she was the only one to successfully  silence the cries? It didn't make any sense to me. Nothing did anymore.

I pulled into my driveway in a fog, questioning every little thing that  had happened over the last month. I was so lost in my own thoughts that I  didn't even remember turning the car off or stepping out of it. I  didn't remember walking to the front door until I was standing in front  of it. I had done the same thing one week earlier after I left Ivy in  her bed. And just like that night, all I wanted to do was step inside  and drown everything out with liquid. Except this time, I wouldn't be  drowning out the voices, I would be drowning out the intense pain I felt  so deep inside. I needed it to go away. I needed to numb the ache in my  chest until I could pass out without the realization that Ivy wasn't  next to me.

Tires screeched on my driveway and I spun around. My heart pounded  heavily in my chest at the thought of it being Ivy. It was a ridiculous  thought since there was no way she could have called for a cab and made  it there just after I did, but that was what Ivy had done to me. She  left me feeling hopeful, even when it was nothing more than wishful  thinking.

Alyssa's car pulled in quickly and she stepped out. I turned back to my  door, landing the side of my fist on the glass pane. I thought it would  shatter by the sheer force in which it landed, but luckily, it didn't.  Instead, it rattled and left my already beaten hand throbbing.

"Cade!" she yelled from behind me, her footsteps growing closer.

"I'm not in the mood, Alyssa." I hadn't spoken to her since the night  she left my house. It was the same night I discussed leaving my practice  with her. The same night she told me I was being stupid. I didn't have  time to hear her gloat over that fact.

"Cade, I heard-" Her words stopped on her tongue as I turned to face  her. She took one look at me and gasped, stopping dead in her tracks and  covering her face with a freshly manicured hand. It took her about five  seconds before the shock settled and she began to run toward me,  throwing her arms around my waist. "What in the hell happened?"

I had to think about what she was asking me. I knew my hands had looked  like I had been in a bar fight, but I knew my face didn't. I had no idea  what she was talking about. I may not have remembered much of my drive  home, but I knew I didn't black out and do something stupid.

"Alyssa," I whispered, keeping my hands at my sides instead of wrapping them around her.

She pulled back and took another look at my face. Her hands came up and  cupped my cheeks. "You look like shit. What the hell happened to you? I  heard about your decision to leave you practice, but I never thought it  was this bad."

"What are you talking about? I haven't shaved in a week, so what?"

Her eyes narrowed on me. "Is that how we're going to play it? The last  two times we were together, you were able to open up to me; heaven  forbid I thought that was a trend. Are we back to you keeping everything  bottled up inside again and leaving me to believe you're a man that has  it all together? Well, sorry to burst your bubble, Cade; your face  tells a different story. Your eyes are red and puffy, which tells me  you've been crying. And since I've never thought of you as a man that  has ever cried in his life …  I don't believe you when you say you're  fine."

"It's nothing," I said with my back to her as I shoved my key into the door and opened it.
         

     



 
Alyssa pushed in behind me, closing the door without ever taking her  eyes off mine. Her expression was hard, sharp, stern, yet her posture  and steps seemed compassionate and worrisome. I kept walking backward  until I reached the couch in the formal living room, the same one I had  bent Alyssa over more times than I could remember because of my fear of  the bed. Yet sitting with her then, all I could think about was how I  was able to be with Ivy in ways I had never been able to be with anyone  else, how she was able to be with me the same way. And how I had lost  the chance to ever do it again.

"I assume your decision has something to do with the girl? What  happened?" she asked as she sat next to me on the cushion. She wasn't  too close to me, but close enough I could practically feel the concern  flowing from her body.

"Nothing happened," I fought back in irritation, my voice hard and closed-off.

"Okay, fine." Her tone was harsh and no-nonsense. "I'm going to tell you  what I think happened and then you can tell me if I'm wrong. I think  you finally realized that you have feelings for her. You made the  decision to leave your practice for her. Am I right so far?"

I shrugged, not wanting to explain for the umpteenth time my reasons for  leaving. But I didn't deny the part about my feelings for Ivy. That was  without a doubt true.

"I'll take that as a yes. After that, I think something bad happened.  However, I don't think it was on her. I think it was on you. Did you  realize you can't do what you thought you could? Did you make the jump  to be with her and then realize it was too much for you?"

"No," I answered in a quick, harsh tone. "It's not too much for me and I  can do it. I want to do it. I have never wanted to be with anyone, and  yet I'm fucking broken over one woman. I don't want to be a surrogate  anymore. I've lived out that dream and now it's time for another one.  All I want to do is be with Ivy, but she doesn't want to be with me. All  because of who I am."