Lust(50)

Everything felt strangely new.

And everything was falling into place.

*****

After lunch, I decided to head over to Ivy's apartment. I had spent all  morning in my office and didn't care to be there any longer. After my  talk with my cousin about my feelings for Ivy, I found that all I wanted  to do was be with Ivy. I knew she was probably sleeping, but I didn't  care. I would curl up behind her and fall asleep in her tiny bed with  her.

Weeks ago, that idea would've had me freaking out, but I wasn't. I was  eerily calm yet excited about the idea of sleeping next to her. After  the night before, sleeping with her in my arms, I couldn't imagine being  in bed alone ever again. One night sharing a bed with Ivy and I was  ruined, completely addicted to the way she felt in my arms. I was a  changed man. And I was happy for the first time in twenty-six years.

I knocked on her door and then tried the handle, but it was locked. I  was happy she was safe, but felt guilty for waking her up if she was  sleeping. She didn't come right away so I knocked again, a little harder  this time. My chest tightened the longer I was left standing outside  her closed door without her answering. I knocked again, frantic, but she  still didn't answer. So I decided to call her.

I could hear her phone ringing through the door, and then it went quiet  but still rang in my ear. I knew she was inside. I tried knocking once  more, hoping she just hadn't heard it and the phone had woken her up.  But still, there was nothing.

"Ivy, I know you're in there. It's me. Please open the door," I shouted between knocks.

Finally, the door opened, but only slightly. Ivy stood in the crack and  she looked exhausted, but she didn't look as though she'd been asleep.  Paranoia invaded me at the thought of her ignoring me. I knew something  was off with her that morning, but she said it was because she was  tired. Why would she ignore me? What happened?

"What's going on, Ivy? What's wrong?" I asked, completely panicked.

She shook her head slowly. "Why are you here?" Her voice was sad.

I couldn't answer her because I hadn't expected her to ask me that. Why  was I there? Did I have to have a reason to show up at my girl's place?  Did I have to have an excuse to see her? "What's going on? Talk to me.  And don't tell me it's because you're tired," I pressed in a harsh and  hurt tone.         

     



 

"I just need to be alone right now. I have to think about things."

"What things? What do you need to think about?"

"Us," she whispered through the crack in the door and it silenced everything around me.

My heart stopped beating and fell into the pit of my stomach. My  nostrils stung as if I was about to cry, but there were no tears, just  emotions I was unfamiliar with. Fear? Worry? I didn't know. I only knew I  didn't like what she was saying or how she was saying it.

"No. If it's about us, then it involves me. And I have a right to know  what it is. I have a right to be included in this. You need to talk to  me so I know what's going on," I argued desperately.

A tear slipped over her lashes and fell down her cheek as she looked to the floor between us.

"Ivy," I sighed, reaching out to her.

She backed away and I used it as an excuse to push the door open more.  Her foot stopped it from opening too far and her body kept me from  walking in, but I didn't back down. I wasn't about to let her push me  out of her life. She could try, but I was stronger, and I would win.

"I just don't think this is going to work," she confessed in a teary  voice, breaking me down so far I felt myself literally crumbling in  front of her. Her eyes were sad, her voice was weak, and her posture  resembled defeat. It was apparent that she didn't mean what she was  saying, and that was the only light of hope in the darkness that swirled  around us.





"No. I will not let you end things without talking to me about it. I  won't let you walk away from what we have without telling me why." Hell,  I wouldn't let her walk away even if she did tell me. "If you don't  want to let me inside, fine, but you're going to tell me what's going  on," I demanded in a harsh voice with my body filling the space between  the door and the frame.

More tears began to leak from her eyes, but she never lifted them up to  meet mine. She kept them down with her chin to her chest. I wanted  nothing more than to reach out and grab her chin, making her look at me,  but I didn't dare chance pushing her away even more.

"I can't."

"What do you mean?" I asked incredulously. "What about last night? What  was that? How the fuck did we go from that to this? That's why I'm  confused here, Ivy. That's why I don't understand what's going on.  Everything was perfect-beyond perfect-and now this? You have to give me  something here. I know you felt what I did."

There was silence, deafening silence, as I waited for her to say  something. I didn't care what she told me as long as it was something. I  could work with anything other than silence, but that was all she was  giving me and I didn't think I could handle it. I almost spoke again but  she beat me to it.

"You didn't pull out." It was barely a whisper and I wasn't sure I had heard her right.

I had tried to stay calm over that fact when I realized it the night  before. I would be lying if I said it didn't worry me, but I also felt  that everything would work out the way it was supposed to. I fell asleep  with her in my arms as I convinced myself of that. Had she been lying  there thinking of the same thing only opposite? There was no sense in  freaking out about it now and I had to make her see that.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for that to happen," I said, trying to soothe  her. It was the truth-I hadn't meant for it to happen. But I also didn't  fully regret it, either.

"Do you have sex without protection often?" The worry in her voice was  evident and it suddenly became clear to me. I was able to keep calm over  the entire situation because I knew where I had been and that I was  okay; she didn't know any of that. I also trusted that she remained safe  during the two times she'd had sex before me. So I was able to stay  rational while she was left to worry about it to herself.

I shook my head but felt as though she needed a better response. "I only  go without it with one person, and we have an understanding. I pull out  and if we have unprotected sex with anyone else, we have to be honest  and get tested. But it's never happened before. I get tested on a  regular basis because of work-in the event something happens-but I'm  clean. I swear. I was just tested a month ago."

I thought that would calm her down, but it didn't seem to be working.  She looked just as worried and upset as she did before I went into my  elaborate explanation. I wanted to know the root of the problem in order  to make it right; I knew it wasn't simply because I didn't pull out.         

     



 

"Listen, Ivy, you came into my room last night. You came onto me and  started it. You knew I wasn't wearing a condom." I wasn't trying to put  the blame on her; it was both of our faults, but I wouldn't sit back and  let her walk away from me because of something we both let slip by.

"I know!" she yelled, choking back a sob. "But you hadn't used one that  first night so I didn't think about it. I thought you would pull out. I  was stupid. I am stupid. And now I don't know what's going to happen."

"We've been a little wrapped up in things and forgot to protect  ourselves, but it's fine, Ivy. I'm clean; I'm assuming you're clean,  right? And we'll be fine. We'll just be a little more cautious about it  in the future. That's all. No need to freak out and end things."

"But I could've gotten pregnant," she argued quietly with her eyes downcast.

"Yes, that's a possibility, but it's nothing to worry about right now.  There's nothing we can do about it if you are, and there's no sense in  worrying about it until we know for sure. Why end things just because of  a small possibility?"

"Small possibility?" she repeated in disbelief. "Anytime that happens in  my books, they end up pregnant. Look at all of the one-night stands  that end in unwanted pregnancies. I think it's more than a small  possibility, Cade. And I have a right to be concerned about it."

I wanted to laugh, but I knew how she'd take it. The last thing I wanted  to do was make her think I was laughing at her so I controlled my  facial expression and continued. "Your books are fiction. They are  written for entertainment purposes. I know some people read them and  think they're about real people or real events, but they're not. They  are nothing more than the written words of someone's imagination-"

"I know that, Cade!"

"So then you know that you can't base what is going on with us on what's  happened in books!" I couldn't contain my frustration any longer. I  knew she had an element of immaturity due to her childhood, but I  couldn't sit back and let that decide for her. "Not all billionaires are  hot-look at Warren Buffett. And not all guys with kinky fetishes that  like to whip women are like that guy in that one book. Not everyone has  ripped muscles and tiny bodies; those people are created for the  fantasy. So don't compare us to books. This is our life, Ivy. And if  you're pregnant, then we'll deal with it. If you're not, then you're  not. Why obsess about it now and make decisions that could affect both  our lives before we even know anything?" I was loud, in her face, and  not showing an ounce of calm. I couldn't. I was frantically trying to  hold onto her.