Lust(56)

The most important thing I had learned was that Ivy would always get  what she wanted when it came to me. It didn't take long before she had  made her presence in my house known. It was very clear that it was no  longer my house …  it was our house. That was an adjustment since neither  one of us had ever lived with anyone. But we were slowly amending our  ways. The first adjustment came just a week after she had moved in when I  came home to a newly decorated bedroom. Somehow, in a matter of about  eight hours, she had stripped my room of every ounce of masculinity. She  had replaced the grey and white stripes with light and dark blue roses.  And then she found matching accents to put on the walls. I told her if  she ever told anyone our bedroom was decorated with flowers, I'd change  it all to black and throw some football Fatheads on the walls. She just  giggled and continued on, knowing I'd give into anything she desired.  I'd do just about anything to see that smile, including living in a  feminine house.

We had both lived separately for so long that we had certain rules and  habits we'd grown accustomed to and now had to sort out. Ivy constantly  left the cap off the tube of toothpaste and I never put the toilet seat  down after I peed. I wasn't a messy person by any means, but I was never  the kind of guy that would put something away immediately. I'd leave an  empty beer bottle on the counter for a few hours before throwing it  away; that bothered her almost as much as the toilet seat. And she had  this really bad habit of leaving her bras hanging in the laundry room to  dry-apparently putting them in the dryer is a big no-no. Needless to  say, it was taking us both time to adjust to the other person, but I  wouldn't have expected it any other way.

After we had been living together about three weeks, I came home to find  my laundry had been done. She had, somehow, managed to dye all of my  white work shirts light pink. She was devastated over this, but I  muffled my laughter long enough to tell her I loved them. Now, every  time I wore them, I would think of her. Especially because I made her  wear them from time to time-unbuttoned with nothing else on. There was  just something about that woman in my shirts that fucking drove me  crazy, and I was slowly understanding why people chose this kind of  life. Even though we had been through countless changes, I still would  never opt to live with anyone but Ivy.

Don't get me wrong. We still struggled with the demons that haunted us  both. But we were there for each other when rough times rocked our  foundation. I couldn't remember the last time I had suffered from a  panic attack. Ivy was doing just as well. Her newfound confidence was  evident in everything she did. And the way she handled me on the nights  the bedsprings got just a little too loud …  I couldn't have ever asked  for anything more.

I hadn't even realized the credits were rolling on the TV in front of  me. I had been too occupied by watching her and too deep in my thoughts.  It was still hard to imagine how much we had gone through to get where  we were, holding each other on the couch with no demons in sight. This  would have never been a possibility for either of us a month ago. It was  truly amazing.

Ivy spun in my arms, locking her eyes with mine. "That movie made me think … "

I waited for her to continue, but she never did. I huffed a laugh and  kissed her forehead. "And what did it make you think of?" I prodded her.  That was one of the things her confidence still faltered. She would  always hesitate a little at first when she wanted to share something  with me, especially if it was important to her. But it was taking less  and less prodding to get her to open up. We trusted each other.

She took in a deep breath, releasing it against my neck, and pulled  herself closer. "Well, things were really weird there for a little while  after I had my period. And we never really discussed it. I was just  wondering what your thoughts were on it. You seemed really quiet for a  few days."         

     



 

"Ivy, you just started birth control and as much as I'd love to have a  family with you, I don't think this is the right time to do that."

"I know," she interjected. "That's not what I'm saying. I agree, it's  definitely not the right time. I'm finally finding out who I am as a  person, but it still made me think, that's all. I mean, we've talked  about wanting a family at some point …  but I have no idea what some point  means to you. Is it in five years? Ten? Don't you think that's  something we should talk about? Where we see ourselves in the near and  distant future?"

"I haven't really thought about it in terms of a time period. But that  really depends a lot on when we get married. And to be honest, Ivy, I'm  still working through that. I meant what I said when I told you I would  marry you one day, but I still can't even begin to think of when that  will be. I can only promise that I won't make you wait forever. I'm  still enjoying getting used to you being here." After telling Ivy my  deepest secrets, I had made the decision to be honest with her no matter  what. It was hardest when I thought I might hurt her feelings, but I  learned the hard way that if I didn't share my feelings, I usually hurt  her worse. So that's what I've been doing. I knew my words weren't the  ones she wanted to hear, but they were mine and the truth, that was all I  could offer her at the moment.

She shook her head and sat up, pulling me up with her, holding me close.  Her hands held mine as she searched for the words, looking at our  joined hands. "What if I've changed my mind? Would that help you decide  what kind of future you wanted?"

"What do you mean? Change your mind about what?" I began to get nervous  of what she'd say. It was yet another new emotion to add to the list  that I had discovered ever since life with Ivy. It was as if she was  showing me how to be human, since life's circumstances hadn't allowed me  to properly learn how to deal with certain emotions.

She hesitated, making my nerves skyrocket. "About marriage. What if I've  changed my mind about it and no longer needed a certificate to feel  that our relationship's complete?"

"That would be a lie. And I would never ask you to give that up. It's important to you. I know it is."

"It wouldn't be a lie if that's truly how I felt. What if I no longer  feel that I need that commitment from you? You've made me realize that I  don't need a piece of paper to be happy. I don't need some stupid  ceremony or to spend a bunch of money to feel like I belong to you. You  do own me, Cade, and I don't need to stand in front of the three people  that we know in order to feel that way."

"But what about the white dress and the rings and everything you've  always dreamed of having since you were a little girl? You told me about  that, you redream it every time you read your books. No, Ivy. I won't  let you give those dreams up because of my fears. I will marry you, but  when it's right for us. You've only been here a little over a month.  Let's just enjoy this time without any pressures or expectations. The  only thing I know for certain about our future is that we'll be  together."

Her hands reached behind my neck and she laced her fingers together,  pulling my face to meet hers. She kissed me, hard and hungrily. It was  as if she was telling me something with her lips but without the words.

"I don't want any pressures or expectations, either," she said as she  pulled away from the kiss. "But I did mean what I said. I don't need the  fairytale ending, I am living the happily ever after now. Living it,  breathing it. It doesn't matter to me if I walk down an aisle, wearing a  white gown, to you because I get to walk to you every single day."

"I can't let you give that up, though. I won't allow it."

"Okay. What if we agree that neither one of us wants to get married, and  then if the day comes that you want to make it legal, then we'll go  down to the courthouse and make it legal?" Her words were so convincing,  much like her eyes, and I had to question the change.

"Why? I mean, where did this come from? Why did you change your mind?"

"I haven't changed my mind. I have always wanted to be loved. The one  thing I've always wanted in life was to find the one person that would  look at me, all of me, and love me, protect me, and make me feel  comfortable in my own skin. I've never felt comfortable about myself  until you. So, if you think about it, I've already gotten everything  I've ever dreamed of. And more. I got my Prince Charming."         

     



 

I couldn't let it drop. I had to argue her point. "You told me that  you've always wanted the white dress, the aisle, the whole thing. You  can't just wake up one morning, change the course of direction to your  thoughts, and decide you don't want any of that anymore."

"Another thing I've also dreamed of having a church full of hundreds of  loved ones, wishing us the best in life. Throwing rice at me and giving  me hugs on our way out of the church. Except, we don't have enough loved  ones to fill the church, not to mention, I'm not all that religious. So  there would be no point in the church part. So it doesn't matter what  I've dreamed of in the past, because it's my future-our future-that I  dream of now."