Lust(49)

"You haven't practiced in over a decade; how are you going to do that?"

"Easy. I've kept up with my license and maintained my continuing  education hours. Just because I haven't practiced doesn't mean I can't.  I'm not stupid. I spent all that money on school; I wasn't about to lose  it all," I explained, speaking to her like my answer was obvious and  she should have just known.

Krista's head tilted to the side and her eyes narrowed as she  scrutinized me. "Something is different with you. You're usually broody  and cynical. Now you're just …  I don't know, lighter. Happier. I'd ask if  you got laid but I think that's a rather stupid question. And I think  whatever it is that's making you this way is the reason you've decided  to switch gears at work. Dare I ask if it's a female?"

I let my smile answer that, unable to hide it. I wasn't sure what was  going on with me. I had never acted this way before. The thought of a  woman never made me smile before and no one had ever described me as  being happy or light.

"Where did you meet her? What's her name? I want to hear all about her,"  she said enthusiastically as she leaned forward on the table on her  elbows.

"Work. She was a client. Her name-"

She pushed back with wide eyes and immediately interrupted me. "No.  Cade …  just no. I have known you my whole life, and I've watched you  struggle for most of it. If she's your client, then that can only mean  that she has issues, too, and that cannot end well. Two broken people  cannot possibly work. You are very put-together in your professional  life, but you are a mess in your personal life. You don't need someone  that mirrors that."         

     



 

"Why can't it work? We can help each other."

"Oh, come on, Cade. You're a smart man; you studied psychology. You know  that doesn't make any sense. Two people that live in the same darkness  will only darken the other. If she's as fucked up as you are on the  inside, then she will only make you darker and vice versa," she argued  with a flip of her hand and a roll of her eyes.

"You don't know her, Krista. She helps me. I've helped her, too."

"Does she know? Have you told her about your parents?"

I stared at her, contemplating my next words. "She knows some of it."

"Then how can you possibly tell me that she can help you? She doesn't  even know what it is she's saving you from. You know as well as I do  that you can't fix something when you don't know why it's broken. You  don't need someone that is damaged; she will only damage you more."

"No," I barked from across the table in a deep growl, "we are two broken  people that complete each other. Like two halves that come together and  make a whole. You don't know what you're talking about. I should have  never called you. I should have known all you'd do is try to pull me  down."

She pressed her hands flat on the table in front of her and calmed her  voice as she said, "Your theory of two halves making a whole makes  sense. I get it. But what you're not understanding is that you are both  broken in the same places. She can't fill in where you're lacking  because she's lacking there, too. You need someone who lacks in the  areas you're strong, and is strong in the areas you're not."

"Normal people don't get me. She gets me. She has talked me through two  panic attacks, took care of me after a week-long drinking binge-in which  I saw my dead father and he accused me of fucking my mom-and set aside  her own insecurities and pain to help me work through some of my own  demons. Normal people wouldn't have done that. They would look at me and  give up. I don't need normal. I need Ivy."

She shook her head and blinked a few times before settling her eyes back  on me. "I'm going to take this one thing at a time. Let's start with  the attacks. You're having them again? Since when? And how did she walk  you through them?"

"I guess she realized what was happening and talked me through it. I don't know."

"So she was with you both times? Have you had others when she wasn't around?"

I didn't answer; I knew what she was getting at and I wouldn't give it to her.

"And this drinking binge …  before I get to the dead father part, why were  you drinking that much? You're smarter than that, Cade. It seems to me  like your life has gone downhill ever since this girl came into it. She  can't possibly be any good for you."

I could feel my anger begin to boil over. I was on top of the world when  I walked into the restaurant, and now all I wanted to do was start  flipping tables over and screaming at Krista about how wrong she was.  But I had to keep my composure if I wanted to prove her wrong. "The  panic attacks were because of the heat. Not her. She only happened to be  there when they hit. I drank that much because my own demons were  getting to me-hence the dead father. It had nothing to do with her. In  fact, she wasn't even there. I called her and she took a cab to get to  me. You don't know her. You don't know me."

"I do know you. You're my-"

"No, you don't. You know what I went through but that's it. You don't  know who I am now or the struggles I deal with currently. You're normal.  Normal people don't understand fucked up people. That's why I could  never be with someone normal. I would never want to be. I don't even  want to be with a fucked up person. But I want to be with Ivy. That  should be enough for you." I sat back just as the waiter brought out our  food. I stared at my plate, no longer hungry, and contemplating  leaving.

"I'm only worried about you, Cade. That's it. You're telling me about  how your life is unraveling and she's putting it back together. Yet, I  see her as being the one that caused it to unravel in the first place.  From where I'm standing, she seems like poison."

I couldn't help but laugh, and it earned a confused look from my cousin.  "Well, that would be fitting, wouldn't it? Poison Ivy. But what if  she's not poisonous to me? What if she's poisonous to the cancer inside  of me? You don't even know her or what she's been through and you're  already judging her and me. She doesn't judge me. I don't judge her. How  can that possibly be wrong? And I'm not even going to pretend that I  know anything about relationships because I don't. The only thought I've  ever had on the subject is that it's destructive. But I do know how I  feel. I know how she makes me feel, and I can't walk away from it."         

     



 

Krista was quiet as she sat across from me; her expression had gone soft.

"Why can't that be enough?"

Her shoulders lifted to her chin and then dropped as a sigh escaped her  lips. "Sounds like enough to me. I just worry about you. I know you're a  year older than I am and not a kid anymore, but when it comes to  relationships, you kind of are still. You've never been in one-or  anything resembling one. I just worry about you. I don't want to see you  get hurt. I've seen the pain in your eyes for as long as I can  remember, and I don't even want to think about what will happen if  you're dealt any more."

"I appreciate it, Krista. I really do. But for the first time in my  life, I feel okay. I feel better than okay, and I have to believe Ivy  has something to do with it."

"Now, tell me the truth; why are you changing gears at work?"

I paused to give thought to her question. I didn't need to think about  my answer, but I did need to contemplate how to word it for her. I took  in a deep breath and answered the best way I knew how. "I started my  practice as a way to give people an opportunity to have a healthy  relationship if that's what they wanted. Sex is a big reason why  relationships fail. But now I just want to give the relationships a  chance to work. I chose sex as my profession because of my parents. But  what if I could do better by treating the couple versus the individual?  What would have happened if my parents had gone to therapy?"

That was mostly the truth. A really big part of it anyway. But the other  part was that I had no interest in seeing another woman naked. I didn't  care to talk sex with anyone or walk them through masturbation. I  certainly wasn't interested in taking anyone else to the backroom and  working things out there. All I needed was Ivy, no one else. But I  couldn't tell Krista those reasons. She would turn it into something  bad. Even though there was nothing bad about a man wanting to stay  faithful to his woman. But she would make it sound as if Ivy was  affecting my career.

"I'm really proud of you, Cade. I can't say I've always understood why  you chose the career path of fucking women in order for them to lead  healthy lives, but I've always supported it. And now I can say I not  only understand, but I support you as well. If this Ivy person is  responsible, then I guess I can give her a chance, too." Her words were  soft and meaningful. She meant every one of them, and it set a sense of  peace within me.