The First Last Boy(24)

When he pulled out of the garage and onto the street, I said, "She was  okay and then she wasn't. And I can't..." I shook my head, struggling to  draw in enough oxygen. "I can't make anything make sense."

"That's because what happened is senseless." His hands gripped the steering wheel hard. "I'd take the pain for you if I could."         

     



 

"I know." I let my head fall back against the seat. Mom. Baking cookies.  Teaching me how to swim. Teaching me how to stand up to my father.  Teaching me how to be strong enough to walk away from a bad  relationship. Teaching me how to drive. I needed her. "Please," I  whispered to the sky as it stretched out vast and empty. "Please."

We picked up Mark at Jason's house and he climbed into the back of  Ryan's car as a more subdued version of himself. I forced a bright  smile. "You want fish and chips for supper?"

"Not if you make them."

"From the Fish Shack."

"Okay." He stared out through the window.

We picked up the food and after we went to the house, I tried hard to  force down some of it. Mark picked at his, then announced he was going  to bed. He pushed away from the table, then stopped in the hallway and  looked over his shoulder at me. "I'm going to sleep in Mom's bed."

I nodded and started cleaning up the remnants of supper.

Ryan gave me a look and tried to reach for me but I wouldn't let him.  "Thanks for bringing me home, but please go. I can't deal with our  broken relationship on top of what's happened to my mom."

"We're not broken. We're-"

"Yes, we are. I need something that you don't have within yourself to  give and it hurts too much to pretend that it's okay. You said you  didn't want to talk about things, that we weren't a couple and you're  right." I lifted a shoulder in a shrug, hoping he'd tell me how much  that night together had meant to him, hoping he'd say that I was right  and he was wrong and we should see if there could be more between us  than friendship.

His eyes flashed and he nodded. Without another word, he turned around and left.

It bothered me that he didn't even bother to ask what it was that I  needed. Whatever he thought it was, he wasn't even willing to try. Now I  had to begin the painful process of untangling my life from his for the  sake of my bruised heart.







RYAN



I took another long drink from the bottle and the vodka ran with fiery  claws down into my gut. So much pain in my wake. Everywhere I went, I  left someone in pain. I rubbed my fingers across the crown logo. King. I  was a king too.

King of Jacks. "One more car, Donny. Don't be such a baby." The words  I'd spoken floated around my head. The final ones I ever said to my  friend on the last night I'd jacked a car. My fault he'd died. My fault  Tana's mom was in the hospital. My fault Tana was in so much pain. My  fault she was so confused about us. I'd crossed a line. I'd messed up  our friendship. I was rotten. No good. All those foster parents had been  right about me. I was bad because I came from bad seed and history  always repeated itself.

Gripping the chain link fence, the metal leading like a tour guide  toward the alley where Donny had begged me to save him, I stumbled past a  row of garbage cans. Tripped. Fell to my knees. I closed my hands  around dirt, grass, and abandoned cigarette butts. I threw them toward  the sky, throwing my head back at the same time, screaming until my  throat was raw.

"Tana! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Mark's tear-streaked face flashed before  my eyes. "I'm sorry, Creature. So sorry." I'd experienced beatings. Felt  the wickedly sharp blade of a knife slice through my skin and leave me  scarred. Had the hot side of an iron pressed against my side. But those  were a walk in the park weighed against the pain I felt at having been  the cause of Tana's pain.

I stared upward until the fading sun painted the sky with streaks of  dusky pink. A dog barked faintly behind me to my right. Supper smells  lingered in the air. Normal things in my upside down world. I bowed my  head.

Chanos' ultimatum when he'd called last night rang in my ears, played in  my mind, reopening the door to the hell and destruction I'd once known.  What choice did I have? Chanos or Tana. Not a choice at all.  Inevitable. That's the word the cop used the night Donny died. "Prison's  in your future, boy. It's inevitable."

I wiped the end of my nose and put my hand back on the fence. Four more  steps and I'd be at the spot where Donny died. Three more. Two. One. I'd  promised on his grave.

"I'm out," I'd said. I had been. I'd wanted to be good. I'd lived life  as clean as I could. Not an angel, but far from the devil I'd been. But  what the fuck did I know about a catalyst back then? The one that would  propel me backward into my past so that Tana could have a future.

I rubbed the bottle again. Why the hell wasn't it working? The alcohol  genie was supposed to bring me the magic to shut the pain up for a  little while. Maybe I needed a few more swigs. I lifted the bottle and  touched it to my lips.         

     



 

"I'm sorry, Tana," I whispered again, knowing that I could say the words  every day for the rest of my life and it would never be enough.

Her smile reached through the upside down. Her face swam before me.  There was trust in her eyes. Hope. Concern. She'd once said I was her  hero. She needed me.

I flung the bottle away. It smashed against a rock and vodka soaked the  thirsty ground. I would be whatever kind of devil I needed to be for  Tana's sake but I wouldn't unleash the one I'd always found in a bottle.  No, that sonofabitch was a dark bastard.

Rolling over onto my back, I watched the sky grow darker and darker. I  didn't move even when I heard footsteps coming toward me. Hands gripped  my arms, lifting me to my feet. Juvante wrapped his hand around the back  of my neck and gave me a hard shake.

"Come on, brother. Pull your ass together. Let's go home."

I patted the center of his chest and couldn't make my words not slur. "I tore her heart out, man."

"Uh huh. Get your ass in the car." Juvante shook his head. "I warned you  about Tana. I knew the way you looked at her was different."

"Yeah. Different." My head lolled back against the seat and the movement  of the car jarred my stomach. "I never thought it would happen to me. I  feel...I feel too much, man. But I can't be with her. Look at what I  did to her."

"Uh huh."

"I gotta go back in. Keep her safe. That's the only way. It's what Chanos wants."

Sorrow wafted my way from the expression on Juvante's face. "I know," he said quietly.

"He owns me." My stomach lurched again. "Chanos owns me because she owns  this." I thumped my fist across my heart. My stomach decided it didn't  want the vodka. I scrambled up straight and yanked open the door, nearly  falling out as I vomited.

Juvante gripped my arm and eased the car over to the shoulder. "You can't go back in."

There were no options left. Wiping my mouth, I shook my head but quickly  stopped when that rattled my brain. "My life for hers, man. It's the  only way I can protect her."

Juvante pulled back onto the road. He was my ride or die and I knew he'd  give it to me straight whether I wanted to hear it or not. "That  reputation you have, I know you're not proud of that."

"Yeah."

"The bare knuckle shut downs, man, you broke a lot of bones. You ruled  the streets, man. You even stole a fucking cop car. Could barely see  over the damn wheel." Juvante laughed.

I grinned at the memory of the cop chasing me down the road and then gaping when he'd realized how old I was.

"The first time I saw you I remember thinking skinny ass kid ain't got  nothing but then you kicked so much ass that people were afraid to even  say your name. You could make guys shit themselves with just a look.  Through all that, man, I always knew you weren't fighting the world. You  were trapped, trying to fight your way out of what you'd become." He  put his hand on my shoulder. "And you did. I've watched you lay that  darkness down. Going back in doesn't mean you stay in."

"This time it does."

"For Tana."

I clenched my teeth together. "All the shit in my life, nothing hurts as  much as the thought of her hurting. I drove her away because I had to  and it took me to my knees." I swallowed, not wanting to think about  this, but knowing I had to make sure there was a backup plan. "If I go  down, you do whatever you have to do to get Tana and her family away  from Chanos."

Juvante nodded. "I promise."







My concentration was screwed. I'd busted my hand, hit my head on the  hood of a car, and nearly blown a simple brake job on a Honda Civic. A  zombie had more life than I did. A week had passed since the shooting  and the guilt of what I'd done to Tana was eating me alive. She'd asked  me again to stay away and I'd respected her space, hoping that she'd  eventually relent and want me around again. I'd have to keep her at  arm's length but if I was with her, it meant she was safe and that's all  I wanted.