The First Last Boy(25)

Tana didn't know it was my fault what happened to her mom and if I told  her, she'd never want to see me again. Once it was official and I was  part of Chanos' crew, I could never be near her, could never love her,  couldn't allow her to love me, but until then, I wanted to steal enough  scraps to keep me from starving with hunger for her. I wanted to  memorize her face. Commit her scent to memory. It would have to be  enough. I would make it be enough.

My cell phone buzzed, the vibration scooting it across the work bench. I  wiped my grease stained hands on a rag and looked at the screen. Tana.         

     



 

"Hey," I said when I answered.

It wasn't her. "Ryan," her brother's voice whispered.

"Is something wrong?"

"I...um...I think so."

My heart nearly stopped. "Alright, buddy. I'm on my way. Hang on. Keep  talking." I jogged past a car waiting for an oil change and knocked on  the office before opening the door. "I'm leaving, Abraham. I need to  take care of something."

He nodded and waved me away. We'd talk about it later, but Abraham  trusted when I said I had to go, it was important. I fumbled with my car  keys and then the engine fired to life. "Alright, Creature, I'm on my  way. What's going on?"

"It's Tana."

"What's wrong with her?"

"She's calling for me. I have to go."

"Creature, wait. When you hear me at the door, you make sure it's me and then let me in, okay?"

"Okay." The call disconnected.

I blew off speed limits racing to her house. By the time I pulled onto  her street, my adrenaline was in high gear. Afraid that Chanos might try  some shit, I'd asked friends to keep a watch over Tana's house when I  was at work. I wondered if something had gone down but as soon as I saw  the old Pontiac across the street, I relaxed. I gave a nod toward Cooper  sitting in the car as I passed him. Once I parked, I took the porch  steps two at a time and knocked on the door. After a few seconds, it  eased open a little and then Mark reached his hand around it and  unlatched the screen. I pulled the door open and saw the trouble  immediately.

Tana lounged on the sofa, legs tucked under her, staring at the  television. A sitcom played and canned laughter erupted every few  seconds. Her unbrushed hair tangled in a mess of curls around her face.  She had pale skin and bags under her eyes. She looked like she'd worn  her sweatpants and grimy T-shirt several days in a row.

"Tana." At the sound of my voice, she pulled her gaze away from the  television to me. Before, her eyes always danced with an inner light.  Today, they were dull, uncaring.

I glanced at Mark. "When's the last time she showered or ate something?"

"She didn't eat anything yesterday or today." He plugged his nose. "No shower."

"Alright. I'm gonna take care of this, but she might not be happy about  it and she might yell at me. So I want you to go to your room, put your  earbuds in and play a video game or something okay?"

"Okay."

"Hey, did you eat?"

"She made me." Head down, Mark shuffled off to his room.

People get hurt. That's a fact of life, but I hated that Mark learned the lesson so young and he'd learned it because of me.

I went into the bathroom and started the shower, then searched for a  clean towel and washcloth. The laundry hamper was piled full. Not taking  care of stuff wasn't Tana. Letting the water warm, I checked out the  kitchen. It wasn't bad, mostly cluttered with takeout boxes.

Back in the living room, I shut off the television and Tana shifted her  gaze to me. Her voice was a monotone. "I was watching that."

I pulled her up off the couch and she snapped out of it to smack my  chest. For a slender girl, she could hit. "Stop. You're going to take a  shower."

Tana cursed me with words I didn't know she knew and flopped back down  onto the cushion. "What's the point? I can't do this. I'm trying to be  at the hospital for Mom and be here for Mark. I have to go back to work  soon or my boss has to hire someone else. There's no one left to watch  Mark and he can't stay here alone. He's hurting and I can't help him. I  can't help mom. I can't save either of them. I've been trying to do the  best I can but it's all so overwhelming and I just want to be someplace  quiet where I don't have to think or feel."

I knew the nothingness coursing through her. If she didn't get off the  road she was on, eventually, drugs and alcohol would show up willing to  dull the pain and the fear. I'd caved in to it the night I'd revisited  the alley and that was the first step. Thankfully, I hadn't taken the  second step into that familiar darkness.

Tana would become as lost as I once was and as willing to do anything if  only the high would last long enough to get through the day. But, Tana  had me. I would prevent her downward spiral whatever it took. "You're  getting in the shower and then we'll talk. Now let's go or I'm going to  carry you."

She glared at me and crossed her arms, her eyes narrowed in a challenge.

I hated playing the tough guy with Tana when all I wanted to do was hold  her in my arms, but I knew she needed to fight back, especially once I  wasn't around. I picked her up and tossed her across my shoulder. She  beat the hell out of my back with her fists and called me more names.  Holding my hand around her legs, I shoved aside the shower curtain and  put her in the tub. I blocked the way when she tried to get out. "No,  Tana."         

     



 

Turning from me, she beat her fist against the tile. "I've always fixed  things for my family, Ryan, and I can't fix this! Everything is all  messed up. Including us." She glared at me. "I could hate you. For how  you treated me after we had sex." Her face scrunched with remembered  hurt. "Do you remember what you said to me? ‘Thanks for the fuck' that's  what you said."

The expression of loss on her face tied my gut up in knots. "I remember,  but as long as you feel something, I don't care if you hate me." I  pointed to the soap. "Take off your clothes and shower or I swear I'll  do it myself."

"Go away," she moaned. "I just want the night to come so I can go back  to sleep. When I sleep, I don't think and I don't remember all the  blood. I don't worry. I don't have to feel anything."

I'd been there, too. "Get undressed. You have five seconds."

She huffed at me, then pulled off her wet shirt and flung it onto the  floor. Water seeped around the edges. Wrapping her arms around herself,  she put her forehead against the tile. "It's not fair. Mom's a good  person." Anguish mixed with tears leaked from her eyes to track down her  face.

I unfastened her bra, slid the straps down her arms and tossed it onto the floor.

Smacking her chest with her fist, she said, "I'm being ripped apart  every time I see her lying so still in the hospital bed. She won't wake  up. She has to wake up."

"I understand."

Her eyes blazed. "You understand? How can you understand my pain? Nothing gets to you, Ryan."

I didn't really want to take a trip back to my screwed up childhood, but  if it would help Tana, I'd give her all I had. Even the stuff no one  else knew. "I know what it's like to be ripped apart. My father killed  my mother." I swallowed at the image of all the blood and of the little  boy I'd been who'd sat holding his mother's hand pleading for help. My  throat worked but I forced the words out past the lump. "I was a little  kid and when I tried to stop him, he beat the shit out of me, and I  nearly died. I was in the hospital almost a month. Seeing someone you  love get hurt and not being able to help is the most fucked up thing in  the world."

Tana looked horrified. "You never told me that," she whispered.

"It's not my favorite bedtime story." Patting her leg, I said, "Lift."  When she did, I took off one side of her pants, then the other. Her  underwear followed. I hated being tough on Tana but if I pissed her off,  she'd come up fighting and she needed to fight. I knew she'd need that  fire again and again. "You don't have a choice about going on. Life's a  bitch, but you have to get your shit together for Mark's sake."

"You should put that on a greeting card. You know? Life's a bitch, get your shit together."

I grinned. "Romantic, isn't it?"

She wiped at her eyes. "We made a mistake sleeping together, didn't we?"

No. It was the best night of my life. Holding you was like holding the  sun and for the first time since I was a kid, I was warm. Being with you  was feeling safe, finding a place to belong, and I wish I didn't have  to give that up. I said none of what I was thinking. Instead, I nodded.  "Yeah."

"Do you regret it?"

"I do," I lied without blinking. The last thing I wanted was to hurt her  more, but if I didn't push her away from me, Chanos would figure out  what she meant to me and he'd use her as leverage to get me to do  whatever the hell he wanted. And I would do it. I'd do anything for  Tana. Things that were twisted and dark, things that no guy should ever  have to do. I would auction off my soul for her. Before I rejoined  Chanos, I would make Tana see me as the worst asshole in the world. I  would lie and convince her to believe that she was just a fuck and  nothing more. She would grieve the loss of our friendship probably as  deeply as I would, but by pushing her away, I would push her away from  Chanos.