The First Last Boy(21)

RYAN



The text message jerked me back to reality. I'd mixed heaven with hell  by taking Tana's virginity. I'd known it the moment I'd felt the barrier  give way to the head of my dick. Moving inside of her, feeling her  vagina grip me had been the greatest pleasure I'd ever experienced. Not  because she'd never been with anyone before. But because with Tana's  friendship, the little boy in me had found a home, a place to belong,  something I'd always searched for. But in Tana's arms, the man I was  knew that for her sake, I had to leave that home.

I'd rather have one of my nuts taken off with a rusty knife than to hurt  her, but that's what I had to do. What the hell had I done? Once with  her and already I'd developed an addiction. It had always been easy to  give my body. I'd thought that was all it was going to be with Tana. She  wasn't supposed to be inside me, filling me with hope and possibility  for being the kind of man who'd be worthy of her. I fucking knew better  than that.

Unable to sleep, I'd waited until I'd seen the first peak of daylight  begin to start my day because I wanted to let Tana sleep. I'd exhausted  her. I could see the evidence of being with me on her skin in the faint  stubble burn on her neck, on the red marks on her breasts and on the  fingerprints marring her hips. I'd lost control with her and that wasn't  supposed to happen.

I was in the shower, lost in thought of what a damn fool I was when the  curtain pulled back. I swung my head around and Tana looked at me. Her  dark eyes were shy, uncertain. Her lips curved into a slight smile and  memories flickered in her gaze as she flushed. She'd woken a couple of  times during the night and I'd taken her in ways that could teach kama  sutra a lesson.

I was such an idiot. My plan had been to bring her to this house, take  her virginity like she wanted me to, and leave it at that. Once and then  done. That was what my head instructed me to do. But then my heart had  started making noise, telling me that I could be with Tana and  everything would be okay. Losing myself in her throughout the night had  drowned out the voice of my misgivings but in the hard light of the day,  I knew better. She deserved a better kind of guy than I was. A safe guy  who didn't have a past like mine.

Juvante had texted me to let me know Chanos was seen in Tana's  neighborhood making threats. I couldn't have my past collide with my  present now that Tana was in my life. Back then before I'd met her, I  had nothing to lose and I hadn't given a shit whether I lived or died.  Now, I had it all to lose. Before I let anyone hurt her because of me,  I'd break her damn heart and drive her away until she despised the sight  of me. It was the best plan I could come up with even though the  thought of doing that hurt me in places I didn't think would ever feel  anything again.

I opened my mouth to tell her to get out but then she dropped her robe  and stepped into the water. She put her hand on my chest and I wasn't  made of steel.

With the water pouring over her, drenching her hair, she looked like a  fantasy morphing into reality. She raised up on her toes and kissed me,  nervously sliding her tongue into my mouth. As if it hadn't been  satisfied in years instead of last night, my dick hardened.

"You can teach me how to do to you what you did to me in the chair yesterday if you want to," she whispered shyly.

Teach Tana oral sex so she could give some other guy head in the future  that she couldn't have with me? Yeah, that was gonna happen. "No." I put  her back against the wall. One more time. I would be with her one more  time and it would have to last me forever. Her legs went around me and I  positioned her so I could go inside. She was wet and ready. "Hold on."

"Don't take it easy," she nipped at my chest with her teeth.

I drove into her, pulling in and out at a fast pace, acting like the  selfish sonofabitch I was, but managed to hold on until I felt her  quivering, felt her muscles tighten around me and when she gave in, I  let go. As soon as I poured into her, she tilted her face upward,  frantically seeking my lips.

The desire to kiss her, to whisper things a guy like me had no right to  say rose up inside of me, so I let her feet slide to the floor of the  tub and turned away from her lips, ducking my head beneath the spray of  the water.         

     



 

"Let me finish showering and then you can have it." I filled my voice  with as much of a brush off attitude as I knew how to give. The same  attitude I'd given to other girls but had never dreamed I'd one day have  to use with Tana. Pain dug deeper into my heart and I slammed the door  against it.

She touched my back, tentatively tracing the scratches her fingernails had left behind. "Ryan? What are you doing?"

"Showering."

"Oh. Okay."

I gritted my teeth at the hurt in her tone but didn't acknowledge it. I  had to be the dumbest shit in the world. I'd known Tana was more  important to me than any other girl and I hadn't listened to myself. I'd  known my past was already stirring up trouble before we ever drove up  here. This was my fault and I deserved to pay for it.

I heard her inhale deeply and then in a calm voice, she said, "There's something you should know."

"If you tell me you didn't take the pill, I'm gonna be pissed," I warned.

"Could you face me, please?" She eased by me, her breasts brushing my arm, to stand under the spray of the water.

"What should I know?" I let my gaze drink in her face, wishing that I  could kiss her and hold her. Wishing I could make promises.

"That night on my front porch when I said that I loved you as a best friend..."

What could never be made my voice hoarse. "Don't, Tana."

"I do love you as my best friend, but I think we should take a chance we  could be more." She pressed her hand on her heart. "I feel you in me  and I don't mean only physically. You're my hero. You've always been my  hero."

Hero? She had it all wrong. I'd always been the villain in my own life  and in the lives of others. I don't know what the hell she expected from  me. To sweep her into my arms and break into a song like some damn lame  movie star? Didn't she get that the people I let myself care about  always ended up fucked over because of me? My mother had died protecting  me. With her last breath, she'd told me she loved me.

I'd held onto Donny as he lay broken and bleeding and dying. I'd sworn  after him that was never happening again. I couldn't love and I couldn't  let others love me. And now with Chanos back in the picture, it was  even trickier. I couldn't let someone else I cared about get hurt.  Especially Tana. She was the only girl who had the power to bring me to  my knees. I stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel, wrapping it  around myself.

"Nothing to say?" She bit her lip, waiting, hope alive in her eyes.

"Thanks for the fuck." I walked out of the bathroom and heard her call  me an asshole. I had my back to the bathroom door when she finally  finished her shower and came into the bedroom. I didn't turn around. I  didn't want to see in her eyes how much she hated me.





Chapter Eleven

TANA



Redefining awkward. Having sex with your best friend, wanting to explore  the possibility of something more meaningful, something I knew could be  beautiful, and him not feeling the same. I'd been so stupid with Ryan  because I'd had the suspicion that being with him was about more than I  was willing to face. I didn't know where this put our relationship now.

I shifted on the sofa, trying to get comfortable. I remembered on the  trip up to the house with Ryan, I'd wondered if I would feel an ache  between my legs after having sex for the first time. As it turned out,  the ache was in my heart. The rest of me was fine. Except maybe there  was a giant sign on my forehead with the word "idiot" on it. It had  never been about losing my virginity only I'd been too blind to see  that. It had been about being with Ryan and only Ryan.

Digging my iPod out of my pocket, I stuck the earbuds in, skipped  Paramore, Justin Timberlake, and Cobra Starship. I settled on Zedd's  "Clarity" because the music and lyrics fit the way that I felt about  Ryan and me perfectly. I figured I'd listen to music until Mom and  Creature arrived home and then I'd smile and pretend everything was okay  even though my world had just experienced an earthquake.

I would never forget the storm in the depths of Ryan's eyes as he'd told  me in a cold voice that he'd delivered as promised and there was no way  in hell he was letting me change the parameters of our friendship.

I'd tried to suggest again that maybe we could be more but he'd shut me  down. He wasn't interested. There was nothing I could say that would  change that. It wasn't fair that he was so damn hot or that having sex  with him made me want him around even more. But the emotional earthquake  had changed everything. Him. Me. Our friendship. I needed him to stay  away and I'd yelled that at him as he'd brought me back to the house. I  needed distance physically so I could figure out a way to shut him out  emotionally so that it wouldn't hurt so much.