Sinful Nights(37)

CHAPTER THREE


LISSA WOKE UP the next morning feeling totally disorientated; initially  by the strangeness of her room, and then by the huge weight of  depression which seemed to have descended upon her out of nowhere. And  then she remembered.    

 



 

She had agreed to marry Joel! She closed her eyes and groaned, her head  falling back against her pillow. How could she have been so stupid? She  would have to tell him she had changed her mind. It was her own silly  temper and pride that had led into folly; the old burning anger cum  anguish she always experienced whenever she was with him. Why oh why  after all these years, should Joel still be the one whose contempt and  rejection of her hurt so badly? Was it because he had been the one to  thrust open that bedroom door and see her? Was it because somehow in her  innermost mind she had because of that confused him in some way with  her father? They were questions Lissa could not answer; all she did know  was that whenever she came in contact with him she was reminded of the  way he had looked at her that night  …  and how for one weak minute she  had longed to cry out to him to understand and forgive her  …  Shivering  faintly despite the centrally heated warmth of her bedroom, she was just  contemplating how best to tell him that she had changed her mind and  that she was certainly not prepared to marry him; even for the sake of  her nieces when the door burst open and the two little girls rushed in,  both still in their nightdresses.

Louise reached her first, flinging herself on to the bed and cuddling up  next to her. Emma, still very much a toddler needed a helping hand, but  there was no mistaking the enthusiasm in her hug when she was finally  on the bed with Lissa and her sister.

You're going to marry Uncle Joel and then you'll be our new mummy and daddy,' Louise announced importantly.

Lissa's heart sank. She felt trapped and desperate. How could she have  been so crazy as to allow those old hurts to trap her into her present  position. It seemed mediaeval and archaic now, in the cold clear light  of a February morning that she should actually have contemplated  marrying Joel, simply to even punish him for the pain he had once caused  her. That was all over and done with now. But Joel  …  why did he want to  marry her?

That was simple Lissa told herself; he wanted someone to look after the  children who was not going to walk out on him. If she backed out she  would lose the girls, Lissa reminded herself, looking at the two blonde  heads, nestled together against her warmth. As she watched them, a  melting, aching wave of love for them suffused her. If she didn't marry  Joel, he would find someone who would and the girls would be lost to her  for ever. Could she endure that? Looking at them Lissa knew she could  not. This deeply maternal feeling she felt towards them was something  she had always kept well hidden from others. Only Amanda had been aware  of it, wryly amused by her sister's passionate love for her daughters,  warning Lissa that when she married she would soon discover the  drawbacks to being a mother. You want them because this way you can  satisfy your mothering instincts without having to endure someone's  lovemaking', an inner voice warned her, but Lissa refused to listen, her  fingers curling slightly into the bedclothes as she tried to deny the  thoughts. Whose fault was it that she froze every time a man touched her  she asked herself, trying to whip up some of the anger she had that had  consumed her last night. Not hers!

Her bedroom door opened again, and she blinked in stunned disbelief as  Joel strolled in carrying a breakfast tray, which he put down on the  table by the bed.

Who said you two could come in here?' he demanded of the girls,  ruffling the blonde curls and drawing stifled giggles form Louise.

You and Lissa are going to be our new mummy and daddy, aren't you?'  Louise demanded importantly of him, and yet Lissa could see that beyond  the child's self-importance was a shadow of uncertainty and fear, and  all her inner arguments against what they were doing melted. If for no  other reason surely the sacrifice demanded of her was not too great when  she thought of what it would mean to the girls. Joel was right; they  needed the security and stability of a proper family unit, and if she  didn't marry him, Joel would stand by his threat to find someone who  would. She loved them too much to let someone else take her place with  them, Lissa knew, and as she raised stormy hazel eyes to meet the  mocking gold of Joel's, she knew that he had faithfully monitored each  and every single thought that had passed through her head since he  walked in the room.

Too late for second thoughts,' he mouthed softly. There were two cups  on the tray, Lissa noticed for the first time, and she gaped a little as  Joel promptly started to fill them both with aromatic freshly brewed  coffee. No doubt he was used to providing breakfast in bed for his  legion of girlfriends, she thought waspishly, but he had no right to  look so at ease and relaxed as he did so. He was dressed casually in  jeans and a soft woollen checked shirt.    

 



 

Mrs Johnson's day off,' he explained laconically, handing her a cup.

Very impressive,' Lissa responded tautly. But then I expect you've had plenty of practice.'

She saw his mouth tighten, the good humour that had lightened his eyes  going, and a certain hard coldness taking its place. I thought we'd  agreed to bury our differences and start afresh,' he said curtly. Two  adults who spend all their time together back-biting at one another  aren't going to help these two.'

Lissa knew he was right, and she bit her lower lip in mortification,  hating him for putting her in the wrong and for making her appear  selfish. She ought to be thinking of the girls and not herself. Joel  obviously had. There were two beakers on the tray and he poured orange  juice into each of them, handing them to his nieces. He was rewarded  with a beaming smile from Emma, and a small frown from Louise, who  confided artlessly, When Daddy makes Mummy's breakfast for her, he  always gets back into bed with her. Sometimes he tells Nanny to come and  take us away,' she added importantly.

Lissa could feel the colour stealing up under her skin, but it was  impossible for her to drag her eyes away from the amusement sparkling in  Joel's.

Blushing.' He ran a teasing finger along the curve of her cheek as he  sat down on the edge of her bed. How novel, and why I wonder should the  thought of married sex embarrass you when you yourself must surely be  no stranger to the early morning rituals between lovers.'

Lissa wanted to vigorously deny what he was saying, but how could she without betraying the truth?

I must go back to London today,' she mumbled, desperately anxious to  change the subject. She was going hot and cold all over with the onset  of a familiar fear. It seemed incredible and she knew that Joel would  never have believed it, but the closest she had come to real intimacy  with any man in the years since her fifteenth summer was what she was  sharing with him right now. Suddenly she became intensely aware of the  weight of his body on her mattress; the warm male scent of him as he  leaned forward to tickle Louise. The little girl giggled and moved  closer to her, grabbing the soft fabric of her nightdress. It was a fine  lawn cotton, and covered her quite adequately, but as Louise grabbed  the fabric she was suddenly intensely conscious of the way it was  tightening across her breasts. She could feel Joel watching her as  thought his glance were burning into her skin.

London?'

The sharpness in his voice made her tense, and when she managed to  compose herself sufficiently to meet his eyes they were cold and angry.

Joel, I'll have to arrange something about my house  …  and then there's Simon and my job. I'll have to explain that  … '

I'll do all the explaining necessary,' he told her curtly. I want you to stay here with the girls.'

But Simon  … ' Lissa expostulated. I must tell him myself that  … '

That you won't be sharing his bed any longer?' Joel bit out grimly.  That he'll be losing a lover as well as a secretary. No Lissa, I'll  tell him for you. I don't want you seeing him again, now that you've  agreed to marry me. I suppose it hasn't occurred to you that if he'd  really thought anything of you, he'd have proposed marriage  …  knowing  how you feel about the girls.'

It was on the tip of Lissa's tongue to tell him that Simon had, but for  some reason she suppressed the words. What are you so afraid of Joel?'  she lashed out instead. That if I see Simon I won't be able to resist  jumping straight into bed with him. You always did have a high opinion  of me didn't you?' she finished sarcastically, watching the way his  mouth twisted with bitter derision as he looked at her, and wondering  why she should feel this knife twist of pain so deep inside herself; why  she should lash herself so unmercifully, when she knew  …  oh how she  knew exactly how much he despised her. Why should she seek further  confirmation of that knowledge so determinedly?