Sinful Nights(41)

Quickly shepherding the girls upstairs Lissa left Joel to deal with her  alone. It was about ten minutes before she heard Mrs Johnson's small car  drive away.

"Well I'm afraid it looks as though we're going to have to find a new  housekeeper a little earlier than we'd planned,' Joel announced as he  walked into the nursery. I did try to persuade her to stay on long  enough to give you time to adjust, but she wouldn't agree.' He looked  rather grim and Lissa wondered if he considered her incapable of looking  after the four of them herself. At the convent the girls had had to  look after their own rooms, and they had also had to take turns working  in the kitchens. It was considered therapeutic, and Lissa had discovered  then that she enjoyed cooking.

I'll get in touch with the agencies after the weekend,' she told Joel,  glancing at her watch. It's time for the girls' tea. I'll go down and  make it.'

She was surprised by the glimmer of amusement she saw in his eyes and  blurted out defensively, What's wrong  …  why are you laughing?'

It's hardly a traditional start to married life is it?' Joel murmured,  one arched eyebrow inviting her to share his wry amusement. Lissa  refused to respond. He alarmed her when he was relaxed and friendly with  her; she found herself having to fight not to respond to him; she  preferred it when he was coolly contemptuous and distant. Her fingers  curled into her palms as she remembered that she was now his wife  …  that  tonight  …  She went hot and cold as she remembered the savage fury with  which she had accepted his proposal; the reprisals she had planned to  punish him for the anguish he had caused her. Now she could hardly  believe her own folly. How on earth had she expected to get away with  it? Joel wasn't the man to allow her to change the rules of their  relationship simply to suit herself. He expected her to be his wife in  every sense of the word; to share his bed, and when he discovered that  she could not  …  She shivered suddenly, freezing when he reached out and  touched her arm. Cold?' He was frowning slightly as though the fact  that she might be concerned him. Dear Heaven what would he say if she  told him the truth? If she told him that she was as cold inside as  perma-frost and that neither he nor any other man could melt it? How  clearly she could recall her anguish when she first discovered her  inability to respond sexually to anyone. She had been almost twenty  before she had had another boyfriend-a quite pleasant boy she had met at  work, but the very first time he had kissed her she had been frozen by  the mental image of Joel his touch conjured up. Shaking her head in an  effort to dispel the past, Lissa managed a brief smile. No, not really.  I'll take the girls downstairs and feed them. What do you want to do?  Shall I make something for us later  …

What do you have in mind? A romantic candlelit dinner à deux?' His eyes  and voice held amusement, but it was a gentle amusement rather than a  mocking one, and the rueful curl of his mouth showed that he wanted to  share it with her. Against her will Lissa felt herself responding, a wry  smile tugging at the corners of her own mouth.    

 



 

By the time I've fed and bathed these two, I'll probably be so tired all I'll want to do is fall straight into bed.'

She had spoken without thinking, lulled by the gentleness of his voice  and eyes, and now hot colour flamed over her skin. Much to her chagrin  her embarrassment only seemed to increase Joel's good humour.

No  …  don't try to hide it,' he told her softly, when she tried to duck  away. His fingers cupped her face. You know, when you blush like that I  find it very hard to believe that you're the experienced woman you are.  Mind you  … ' his voice dropped to a tormentingly sensual drawl, I find  it extremely flattering that you're so anxious to  …  consummate our  marriage.'

She hadn't meant that at all Lissa thought frantically, and he knew it.  The fact that he could be so coolly amused over what had already caused  her a sleepless night stung her into saying curtly, Well I shouldn't be  if I were you  …  after all you know my reputation.'

For a moment he looked almost bitter, and then his expression changed,  his voice smooth as he half purred with dangerous silkiness. Yes indeed  and I shall look forward to discovering if you merit it.'

Lissa turned away, calling to the children. Why, oh why did he always  manage to outflank her? She was regretting her impetuosity in agreeing  to this marriage more and more with every second that passed, and yet  when she looked into the happy faces of her nieces she couldn't entirely  regret it. Already she felt a fierce up-thrust of protective love for  them, much stronger now than it had been when her sister was alive. How  could she have allowed Joel to take them completely out of her life? The  answer was that she could not, but neither should she have deceived  him. When he proposed to her she should have told him the truth; that  their marriage would have to be a platonic one.

All the time she was feeding and then preparing the girls for bed Lissa  was conscious of nervous butterflies swarming in her stomach. She  couldn't bear that  …  She couldn't bear to be parted from the children.  At that moment he raised his head and looked across at her. You look  tired.' The compassion in his face stirred her senses. For one wild, mad  moment she almost allowed herself to believe that he genuinely cared  about her welfare, and then she subdued the weakness. She had always  viewed Joel with a certain amount of awe and dread, but she was coming  to recognise that she had under-estimated his masculine power. She had  thought him hard and aggressive and had prepared herself to withstand  such macho maleness, but what she had not expected was this streak of  tender concern; this warmth and caring that completely contradicted the  mental image she had always had of him.

Just a little.' She went across to the girls to kiss them good night, promising to leave the little night-light on.

I'm glad you and Joel are going to be our new mummy and daddy,' Louise  said drowsily, kissing her back. But you won't ever leave us will you?'  Anxiety clouded the blue eyes and Lissa hugged her fiercely. No,  poppet, I promise I'll never leave you,' she whispered back. Poor little  mite; how frightened and insecure she must feel at times. It would be  her responsibility and her mission in life to give her back a sense of  security and belonging.

Dinner  … ' Joel said firmly, taking her arm and shepherding her out of the room.

Lissa almost sagged at the thought of having to go downstairs and  prepare a meal. The ordeal of the ceremony had taken more out of her  than she had realised.

What would you like?' she asked Joel. I'll have a root round in the kitchen.'

No need,' he surprised her by saying. It's all done. All you have to do is go and get changed.'

When he saw her surprise, he grinned, a surprisingly boyish grin that  made him look years younger than his thirty-odd and for some reason  Lissa felt her heart start to trip in tiny hammer blows that made it  difficult for her to breathe. Don't look like that. All I've done is  take something out of the freezer and put it in the oven. I did it  whilst you were feeding the kids. I thought about taking you out to eat,  but you look all in.' He glanced at his watch and announced, You've  got half an hour.'

It took her twenty minutes to shower and change. Joel had been up to  London and cleared her flat, and now all her clothes were hanging up in  her new wardrobe. Her heart started to thud despairingly as she picked  out a soft lilac Jean Muir dress she had bought on impulse. The colour  brought out the rich red of her hair and the silky jersey clung lovingly  to the sleek lines of her body, but Lissa was barely aware of how she  looked, she was too concerned with what lay ahead. Would Joel expect her  to move her things into his room or  …  If only she could just get  through tonight  …  Dare she risk telling him that she could not be his  wife? She bit her lip thinking of the promise she had just made to  Louise.    

 



 

Play it by ear,' an inner voice told her. Joel wasn't a boyfriend after  all  …  he might not even care whether she responded to him sexually or  not  …  he might not even realise that  …  that she was a virgin and frigid  as well? Don't be a fool, she cautioned herself. The man she had always  imagined Joel to be might not have cared what she was and might indeed  have simply been content to take his own pleasure without giving a  thought to her, but the complex, sometimes sensitive man Joel was  revealing himself to actually be would hardly be oblivious to the fact  that she was not the experienced, almost promiscuous woman he thought  her.

Frowning slightly Lissa brushed her hair. Why did Joel want their  marriage to be consummated? Knowing the opinion he had of her he could  hardly desire her that much, he had certainly never been short of female  companionship  …  The answer lay in his love for Louise and Emma, Lissa  decided. Like her he cared very deeply about his two nieces, and like  her he obviously did not want a long drawn out legal battle over them.