Sinful Nights(35)

 



 

They had questioned her about what she had been doing with Gordon and in  vain she had told them they had simply been kissing, blushing bright  painful red to admit as much, but they had refused to believe her,  saying why should they when she had already deceived them once by  attending the party in the first place, and all the time Joel  Hargreaves' watchful eyes had been on her, deriding  …  scorning  …  making  her feel dirty and humiliated.

And her humiliation had not ended there. There had been a visit to their  doctor; an examination which had left her racked with anguish and  mental agony; and then she had been sent away to school. So that Amanda  wouldn't have to bear the disgrace of a promiscuous younger sister, her  parents had said.

It had taken years for Lissa to accept that she was not what her parents  had called her; but the events of that night and the days which had  followed had left her permanently scarred. To allow a man to so much as  touch her was to relive again all that anguish; to endure the biting  contempt in Joel Hargreaves' eyes when he looked down at her lying on  the narrow bed with Gordon, her brief dress exposing all the long length  of her legs, her mouth swollen from Gordon's kisses, all her tender,  vulnerable adolescent emotions exposed to the cruel scrutiny of his  worldliness.

If you've finished with the table  … '

It was several seconds before Lissa realised the waitress was speaking  to her and that people were waiting for her to vacate her table. Almost  stumbling she got to her feet and hurried out into the bitter February  afternoon. Strange how fate worked. If she hadn't been such a coward  about facing Joel she would never have come into the café, and then she  would never have bumped into Helen; never have revived all those  memories she had sought so firmly to conceal. She was literally shaking  with reaction as she unlocked her car and a small moan broke from her  mouth. Would it never end? Would she ever be able to put the past fully  behind her and enter into a normal relationship with a man? Would she  ever be able to take and give physical pleasure without the ever-present  crushing guilt and self-disgust she now suffered from.

Why it was Joel Hargreaves whose face she saw every time another man  touched her and not her father's she wasn't really sure. Her father had  been the one to condemn her; to insist that she was lying  …  but it was  the memory of Joel Hargreaves that brought her out in a cold sweat and  turned her sleep into horrendous nightmares. Simon had been exultant  when he accidentally hit on the fact that she was still a virgin, but he  wouldn't be exultant if he knew why. He thought she was clinging to  some silly out-moded convention of purity, whereas she knew the truth  …   that those cataclysmic events during her fifteenth summer had frozen and  destroyed some essential female part of her; the pain of her  humiliation so intense that it prevented her from allowing herself to  feel anything sexual for any man.

By the time she drove through the gates of Winterly, Lissa had regained  control of herself. As she stepped out of her Mini and walked towards  the main door with long-legged grace no one could guess at the torment  of emotional agony she had just endured, least of all the man watching  her.

Joel's mouth twisted sardonically as he looked at her. She reminded him  of a glossy, elegant chestnut filly he had once owned. There was pride  and beauty in every movement of her graceful body, and also a wariness  that warned him that she had come prepared to do battle if necessary.

Joel Hargreaves wasn't used to women keeping him at a distance; very  much the opposite. What would have intrigued him in another woman, in  Lissa grated on his nerves. He had known her since she was a teenager,  and throughout all the years since she had treated him as though he were  some vilely contaminated life-form.

He had once tried to talk to Amanda about it, but his sister-in-law had simply shrugged and said that Lissa was an odd girl.

Odd maybe  …  beautiful and extremely desirable, yes. In the past she had  never allowed him to get close enough to know her, but now, dramatically  the situation had changed. Telling himself that he was a fool for even  thinking of resurrecting what should have been no more than a passing  whim he went to let her in.

Lissa. You decided to come then.'

Lissa inclined her head coolly, praying that she had herself well under  control. She was consumed by a wholly unfamiliar and extremely dangerous  desire to give vent to the turmoil of feelings bubbling up inside her;  to rave and scream at him that he and he alone was solely responsible  for the destruction of her femininity  …  that she hated  …  hated and  loathed him and that nothing  …  nothing would induce her to stay in his  house.    

 



 

As she followed him inside Joel caught the brilliant gleam of her eyes,  and wondered if her anger was because she had had to leave her boyfriend  for a weekend. Joel knew all about Simon Greaves. A very personable and  persuasive young man.

I think we'll talk in my study.'

Trust Joel to choose to do battle on his own home ground Lissa thought  bitterly as he held the door open for her to precede him. She had  visited Winterly on several occasions both when his parents lived there  and since they had left, but this was the first time she had been in  this particular room. The austerity of its furnishings were initially  deceptive until one became aware of the intrinsic beauty of the antique  desk and the silken beauty of the Aubusson rug covering the floor. A  small display cabinet caught her eye and she held her breath for a  moment awed by the collection of jade inside it.

You like jade?'

Joel was watching her, and for once she saw no reason to conceal the truth from him.

I love it,' she admitted.

So do I. I started collecting it several years ago on a trip to Hong  Kong.' He moved towards the case and then stopped abruptly as the study  door opened and a harassed looking middle-aged woman burst in.

Mr Hargreaves,' she began without preamble. I simply cannot have those  children in my kitchen. The moment my back's turned they're into my  cupboards, upsetting everything  … '

She paused to take a break and Joel inserted smoothly, Don't worry  about it, Mrs Johnson. I'll soon have everything sorted out.'

Well I certainly hope so.' Mrs Johnson seemed far from mollified and  Lissa fought hard not to burst into impetuous speech and remind the  older woman that if the children were being naughty it might possibly be  remembered that they had only recently lost their parents and both sets  of grandparents.

If you'll just keep an eye on them for me while Miss Grant and I finish  talking,' Joel continued, to his housekeeper. I promise you I'll take  them off your hands.'

She withdrew but with bad grace, muttering something under her breath  about not being paid to look after children. When she had gone Lissa  raised her eyebrows and said coolly, That is what you consider doing  the best you can for the girls is it?'

She was surprised by the faint flush of colour staining his skin. In  the past few days I've been trying to get a nanny. I haven't had much  success.' He drummed impatiently on his desk for several seconds and  then turned to face her, admitting, All the more reputable agencies are  rather dubious about the fact that I'm a single man, and as for the  rest.' His grim expression startled her a little. Well let's just say  I'm not too keen on the idea of adding an eighteen year old au pair to  my other problems.'

Lissa knew she should have felt triumphant, but the emotion uppermost in  her heart was pity and concern for the children. She had experienced  too much trauma and heartache during her own childhood, to treat the  miseries of any other child's lightly.

When can I see the girls, Joel?' she asked huskily.

Soon  …  When we've finished talking.'

How are they?'

How she hated having to ask him for anything, even something so mundane  as information about her nieces, and she knew it showed in her voice  from the twisted smile he gave her, his eyes glinting dark gold as he  turned to look at her.

Poor Lissa,' he mocked watching her. Forced to actually ask me for  something. How that must hurt. Why are you so frightened of me Lissa?'

I'm not.' Her chin firmed and she stared back at him. I simply don't like you very much that's all.'

He laughed then, the warm rich sound startling her. What could she  possibly have said to make him laugh. It was obvious that he wasn't  going to tell, so she insisted coolly, The girls, Joel. How are they  coping?'

On the surface, quite well,' he told her. Louise of course being older  is finding it harder to accept that they're gone. Emma  …  well I can  barely understand a word she says as it is. Louise seems to be able to  interpret her chatter all right though. They've been asking for you,' he  added abruptly. I didn't realise they knew you so well.'

I've spent quite a lot of time with them.' It was true. She had looked  after them for the odd weekend for her sister. Amanda knowing how much  she loved children, and not being overly maternal herself had been  delighted to leave them in her care.