Lust(45)

I waited a few minutes, watching and listening to her sleep, admiring  her peaceful expression. I didn't want to leave her, but I knew I needed  time to think. I needed to sort through my thoughts and feelings and  hopefully, by morning, I would have somewhat of a better understanding  of it all.

I wanted to pick her up and carry her to bed with me, but I knew that  would be too much to handle. I had never slept in the same bed with a  woman before and I needed time to process things before I started. Just  knowing that at some point, I'd want her in my bed with me was a huge  step in itself. But in the meantime, I would have to cover her with a  blanket and let her sleep where she was. It was an inner struggle as I  pulled the blanket up to her chin, watching her take in deep breaths and  shift softly against the cushions. It took me far too long to walk away  from her and head back to my own room, to my own bed, alone.

Everything felt so different for some reason. I didn't feel like myself,  my house didn't feel like my home, and the air around me didn't feel  the same as it entered and exited my lungs. As I started stripping out  of my clothes, I began to wonder why that was. Was it because of Ivy's  confession earlier? Was it because of mine? Maybe it was because I had  finally admitted to myself the way I feel about her. I didn't know what  it was, but it was something I couldn't put my finger on and I knew I  would not get much sleep that night as I tried to figure it out.

I stepped out of my shorts and tossed them into the hamper. I was just  about to pull down my boxers when I remembered that Ivy was in the  house. She was opening up, sure, but she was still timid when it came to  anything sexual and the last thing I wanted to happen was for her to  find me naked in bed and freak out. I didn't know how I would've handled  waking up without her there …  Actually, I didn't know how to handle  waking up with her there, but that thought felt better than the  alternative. So I kept my boxers on and sprawled out on my bed on top of  the covers. I assumed I'd get warm in the middle of the night since I  wasn't one to wear anything while sleeping, and figured it'd be easier  to get under the covers in case I get a chill instead of waking up  sweating and reliving that nightmare all over again. Ivy didn't need to  witness that.

The room was dark except for the little bit of lighting coming from the  hall outside of my door and the muted moonlight through the windows. I  laid with my hands behind my head, staring at the shadows on the  ceiling, and thinking about everything. And by everything, I mean,  everything Ivy.

Was I capable of having a relationship? And if I was, was it a good idea  to have one with someone as tormented as I was? Could two fractured  souls come together and make one? Or would we merely drown in each  other's darkness until it shrouded us and left us for dead? I shuddered  at that thought, not wanting to give it any more consideration. There  was a reason Ivy came into my life, and that is what I had to focus on. I  knew she eventually wanted marriage, and I knew I never did. She wanted  a real life and I had no idea what one even looked like. The more I  stared at the ceiling, processing my thoughts, the more negative I  became on the idea. I didn't want to feel that way. I wanted to believe  we could make it work.

Just as I was starting to drift off, everything became clear. I had said  it to myself before, and it was true: I couldn't deny Ivy anything. If  it came down to losing her or giving her everything …  I'd give it all to  her. I didn't believe in love …  but I believed in Ivy. And that was all  that mattered. She was all that mattered.

At some point in the night, I was startled awake. I had always been a  light sleeper-ever since I was eight years old. And the soft dips in my  mattress had my eyes popping open, frantically trying to focus on the  figure in front of me.

Ivy.

I had thought about her so much before falling asleep that I wasn't sure  if it was a dream or not. She seemed like a dream. She was gorgeous and  her hair was flowing, but I waited, lying completely still and pacing  my breaths until the answer came to me. And it did, in the sexy sound of  her tired and whispered voice.         

     



 

"I'm sorry to wake you." Her words swirled around me and landed in my ears.

"You're fine. Is everything okay?" I was worried that something had  happened. I wasn't used to having houseguests so I didn't know what to  expect when I found one of them crouched on my bed a foot away from me  in the middle of the night, staring at me with soft eyes.

I heard her take in a shaky breath and it made my heart rate speed up.  Something was wrong; I could feel it. She was scared and I desperately  needed to know why. The moment her head fell and her hair covered her  face, I reached out to touch her, to comfort her. I just wasn't prepared  for what I'd feel beneath my fingertips as they touched her.





"What's going on, Ivy? I need you to talk to me, please," I pleaded softly and slowly.

Her body stilled the moment my hand landed on her warm, bare skin. She  was naked. Ivy had crawled into my bed in the middle of the night, stark  naked. I was turned-on and worried at the same time. Something was  going on with her and I needed to figure it out before I let my mind get  too dirty.

"I wanted … " She began with shaky words, not once looking at me.

I sat up and moved into her, forcing her head up and her eyes on mine. "Tell me."

"I wanted to help you like you helped me," she timidly admitted.

"I don't know what that means. Help me how?"

"With the bed thing … " She let her words trail off, allowing me to figure it out for myself.

I smiled into the dark room, knowing exactly what she meant. But I  wasn't going to let her off the hook that easily. She had gotten that  far-coming to me naked-because I had pushed her from the beginning. I'd  keep pushing her because it was working for both her and me. "And how  were you going to do that, Ivy?"

I could tell by the shadows moving across her body that she was  shrugging, but I waited it out until she answered my question. "The same  way you helped me this morning on the couch."

"You want to suck my dick?" I knew it sounded crude and vulgar, but I  needed clarification and I needed her to use words instead insinuations.  If asking offensive questions would achieve that, then that was what I  had to do.

She shook her head.

"Then tell me what you wanted to do. I can't read your mind, Ivy."

"I was going to …  you know …  try to have sex with you."

"Try?"

"You know what I mean. If you wanted to." She blew out a breath of frustration.

I knew I needed to redirect this before she tucked her tail beneath her  legs and ran for the hills. I couldn't believe that she'd come into my  bedroom to seduce me. But her lack of self-confidence brought forward  concern "If you're asking me to have sex with you, you should know now  that the answer will always be yes. Without a doubt. But only if that's  what you really want to do. I don't want you coming in here, trying to  have sex with me if you're questioning it. But if you're asking me to  have sex with you in my bed …  I have to be honest, I don't know if I can.  I don't want to hurt you or do anything to fuck this up."

"That's how I felt this morning, Cade. I didn't want you to see me down  there, but I gave in and you were right. I just thought if I could do  that for you …  if I could get you to at least try it, maybe you would  feel the same way. Maybe you'd see that you can do it." She paused for a  moment and then spoke up, not allowing me a chance to respond. "Never  mind. It was stupid of me," she said tearfully and then tried to move  away.

I reached out and grabbed a hold of her upper arm, keeping her from  moving. "No. It wasn't stupid of you. And you're right. I asked you to  trust me …  I should do the same for you. I need to show you that I can  trust you, too. But I don't want to hurt you."

"You didn't last time."

I may not have hurt her physically, but I did hurt her emotionally, and I  didn't want to hurt her at all. "What happens if I can't do it? It was  different last time; I didn't realize where I was. This time, I would be  going into it knowing where I am." I held her face in my hand, bringing  her forehead to mine. "I really don't want to hurt you, Ivy."

She moved, leaning into me until she was sitting on my thighs with her  legs on either side of mine and her arms around my neck. It was dark,  but I could see her eyes clearly as she looked right into mine, showing  more confidence than she had since waking me up. "You won't hurt me,  Cade. I know you won't. I've already proven to you that I trust you, but  let me prove it again."         

     



 

I took her mouth with mine and ran my hands along the sides of her body,  feeling the warm, silky skin beneath my palms. I was hard and straining  between us, no longer fearing the unknown. She had a way of making me  forget everything else around me.