Forever Dark(75)

All I get is a reassuring smile.

My heart sinks when she speaks. “I want you to go to Serenity Lane. It’s not a request Madison, it’s a demand. I will not let you do this to yourself anymore.”

There it is.

Finally.

Tears sting my eyes, I swallow and stare at the plane ticket. “I’m sorry.” I say, feeling like I’ve said it so much lately I’m not sure it even holds meaning any longer.

“I know you are.” Her hands cup my cheeks. “Do this for you, but also,” she gestures to Macy sipping on hot chocolate and teaching our grandmother how to make the perfect eggnog with whiskey. “For her. She misses you more than you realize.”

I stand there for a moment and watch her, wishing she would have made an attempt years ago. It’s not all on me and I know that, she could have talked to me back then.

By no means is me turning to drugs her fault, but I do wish she would have said something.

Making my way into the kitchen, I have Macy make me a cup of hot chocolate, though I desperately want that bottle of whiskey. I think about taking it to my room. No one would really know.

But then I think of him.

And my heart beats. It keeps me from reaching for it when I hear the words, “You’ve broken me.”

I never want to break anything ever again.

Macy sees me, smiles, and looks at the ticket. “It’s going to be fun.”

I nod. I know it will be.

For so long I spent Christmas either at the dorm or around campus, until they kicked me out. I would make every excuse imaginable not to come home in fear of what was here waiting for me. You know what was there?

Unconditional love.

Parents willing to love their daughter. Friends willing to forgive.

As I stare at the Christmas tree, plane ticket to Texas from my parents in my hand and my phone in the other. That’s when I decided to send him a text.

Merry Christmas.

It’s ten minutes later and what I get back makes me laugh out loud, something I haven’t done in a while. It’s a selfie of Cash and his baby sister Bentley. They both have cheesy grins, Cash has a bow on top of his head and Bentley is covered in what looks to be candy cane crumbles all around her mouth. I read the line below it and get teary-eyed.

Remember to smile.

Though it’s hard to remember to smile, I realize just how much I have to smile about.





December 26, 2013

3 AM



Can I come over?

That’s the message I type out and then stare at it. Shaking my head, I delete it. No way I’m telling her that because I don’t want her to get the impression that I’m looking for that. It’s Christmas.

Technically, it’s not Christmas any longer.

Doesn’t matter.

Don’t send that, jackass. She’s going to think you just want to have sex and then you’re right back to where you were.

Just as I lay back down, my phone beeps and I panic slightly thinking I didn’t delete the message and sent it. Thankfully it’s one from her.

Can I come over? I need to talk to you.

Yeah, it’s three AM but she knows I’m up and I know she is. So I reply with: Yeah, come over.

I hear her car pull up and sneak downstairs to open the door so she doesn’t wake Bentley by knocking. I open the door and she’s crying.

I take her upstairs to my room and then pull her onto my bed where she sits cross-legged. “What’s wrong, Mad? Talk to me.”

She looks better than she did even a week ago but it’s clear this doesn’t go away overnight. This may take years

I want her to feel like she can without thinking I’m going to judge her.

She does. And she breaks. Right before my eyes my girl breaks down.

“Everything is wrong, Cash. I’m home and everything feels right. I’m just scared. I want a drink. I want a fucking hit. I want sleep without nightmares. What if I can’t do this? Then I’ll let everyone down. I can’t make sense of anything. Sometimes we need help. I finally understand that. I’m signing up for this outpatient rehab after the first of the year.”

I look at her, there’s a certain amount of hurt behind the look I’m giving her that she couldn’t see before. It hurts because I see how much she’s struggling. I know she’s doing it for herself but there’s a part of her that’s doing it for everyone else too. “I think the people who eventually admit they need help are the ones who truly do and who actually get it.”

“I’ve never asked you for anything, Cash. I’ve never asked you to trust me. And I need you to right now. I need you to give me a chance to do right by you.”

“Madison…” I cup her cheek hoping she senses the sincerity behind my words. “You have to do this for yourself. It’s going to be hard, Mad, but I know you can do it.” I say, kissing her forehead, this time our blue-lit morning so different from every other time.