Forever Dark(73)

Though the words may have seemed harsh, they weren’t meant to be by any means. They were exactly what I needed to hear. I understood exactly what he meant. Exactly. I believed I would never be happy again because I didn’t deserve to be. But I had this love. Right in front of me all this time.

I want to kiss him.

I don’t.

He smiles, again. “Hey, Mad?”

My heart beats a little faster. “Yeah?”

His eyes drop from mine to the ground. “I dropped the ring.”

We spend the next two hours looking for it only to find it in his pocket. “I thought you said you dropped it?”

His arms wrap around me pulling me into his chest. “I did. But I found it and then I didn’t want it to end. You were on your hands and knees.” He throws his head back and laughs. “Distracted me.” I try to punch him in the stomach but he grabs me and tackles me into the cold wet sand.

As we lay there on the beach, which is so cold I can barely feel my toes, I feel like despite everything being up in the air, emotionally, though Cash doesn’t want to, he’s holding on now and showing me his soul, a part I constantly turned away from for years.



December 16, 2013



When I get back to campus I feel like a completely different person. I take all my finals, feel like I failed.

We’re on winter break so I don’t stay long. Just long enough that I meet up with my counselor and talk to her about those substance abuse classes she’s been pushing me to take.

It’s the right step.

I know not everything can be mended and it won’t happen overnight. Just like staying clean. It doesn’t happen overnight. Just because I feel good today doesn’t mean tomorrow I won’t have something that makes me want it. Deep down, just coming here I want to get high.

I want the numbness.

I want the high.

But I also want the light.

Fuck darkness. I can’t handle it any longer. I’m tired. I’m drained but I’m also tired of feeling like this.

I stare at a lime green wall as she speaks. I want a drink. I want an entire bottle.

“You’ve made the right decision, Madison.” Mrs. Riech says handing me several pamphlets on classes the school provides and another one on a place called Serenity Lane. “This program is great and offers outpatient care as well. I suggest you try it in addition to the classes.”

I nod, not saying much as I head for the door.

The grounds blinding when I step outside, a fresh coat of snow covers the sidewalks and grass. Pulling my hood up, I reach down and zip my jacket before exiting the covered walkway.

My feet crunch on the snow as I walk and then I hear more crunching. Turning around, dark eyes and inked skin meet mine. He’s wearing a black hoodie like usual and a light gray jacket over that with a black beanie pulled down low just above his eyebrows. His thick black hair sticks out from under it and I watch him over my shoulder, but I keep walking as does he.

“Hey, Jay.”

He nods. Says nothing.

I continue walking, my heart pounding in my chest so hard I feel like I’m having a heart attack. I want to run from him.

When I get to my dorm, I stop. He’s followed me the entire way.

I turn and face him. “See ya.”

He takes a step toward me and lights a cigarette. I wait, confused as he leans into the door keeping me from opening it, his shoulder pressed against the glass. “Need anything?”

Normally he never had to ask. Now he’s smiling because he knows what my answer is going to be by the papers in my hand. He sees them.

“I’m good.”

I know this is the end when he gives me a nod, his eyebrow raised in suspicion. His right hand holding his cigarette raises as he draws in a breath and then holds it before letting the smoke blow out in a breathy chuckle. He’s amused.

I reach for the door again and he shifts away allowing me to open it, then watches me step inside. “See you around, Madison.”

I know exactly what that means.

He’ll be watching me.

I’m not proud of what I did. My parents would be ashamed of me if they knew I gave my body for drugs. And my sister would be disgusted if she knew the extent in which I went to get them. Not just that I did things to Jay for them, but how degrading it all was.

Cash would kill Jay if he knew what really happened behind those closed doors on the dirty wood floors.

Walking away from that is easy. No question.

Staying away is harder because when I was on that shit, I felt like nothing mattered. It’s exactly why I did it.



December 18, 2013



Two days later I meet up with Alexa and Macy back home in Canby. I tell them about Serenity Lane and that I’m going to check it out. They both smile.

Alexa’s talking about returning to school come January. Macy’s talking about Cash forcing her to sing.