Forever Dark(71)

We’re all standing around on the beach, an easiness in the air when Alexa comes up to Landon and me. It’s clear they’ve been talking since the night she yelled at him but it’s none of my business and I won’t ask about it.

“Let’s build a fire.” Alexa says, when I put my arm around her.

I pull her into my side, hugging her. “Great idea.” I pretend to limp. “But have Landon get the wood. My leg hurts.”

Landon, who’s taking off his shirt and hauling Macy over his shoulder, laughs and grabs his junk. “I got wood alright.”

Alexa rolls her eyes. “It’s like he’s still seventeen mentally.”

“Oh, believe me.” Macy says, her breath labored since her belly is pressed into his shoulder. “He’s definitely still seventeen.”

Madison shakes her head and tosses a log on the fire pit. “Mentally he’s more like four.”





When we’re by that fire, music playing, we’re fairly quiet. None of us feel the need to fill the silence with words. The Griffins’ friends who live next door stop by and make conversation with us. The fire cracks, draws my eyes near it. That’s when I see Madison, the lights flickering on her face and I want to hold her like I used to.

She looks like she’s barely holding on here but there’s a light there I can’t ignore. A hope for more.

When she sees me, she smiles. I nod up the beach and she smiles again, so I stand and reach for her hand. When we start walking, our hands drift apart and I bury mine in the pocket of my jeans.

I don’t know where any of this will take us and I know I said I can’t be her friend. All or nothing, right?

But I just… I have these memories of this girl and I can’t forget them. I hold them deep inside like someday maybe I might see that girl again.

I still see her now. She’s right here beside me. Though she may be struggling, she’s there and fighting for herself. Finally.

It’s weird to think that the last time we were on this beach, we were holding hands and in love. Now I’m not sure what this is.

I know I love her.

I know that I want to hold her hand and never let go.

I want to feel the warmth of her touch and never see the darkness that’s surrounded us for so long.

The sun’s setting to our right as we walk down the beach. The wind picks up and Madison tries to control her hair but it doesn’t work. She laughs when it slaps me in the face.

It’s her laugh that gives me a beat right then.

A hopeful one because I can’t remember the last time I heard it.

I stop when I hear the sound and she looks back at me.

She smiles.





December 10, 2013



I tried to get help my sophomore year of college when I knew the road I was heading down. I showed up to therapy sessions drunk just to get through them. That’s when I knew I wasn’t ready.

I attempted rehab once. Checked myself right back out three days later. I tried to get away from it, just stop doing all drugs and not drink at all. Then I’d wake up sweating and feeling like my skin was peeling off. For a while I didn’t think I would ever be able to do it. Now it’s been four days and I haven’t had anything but that beer with Cash.

So what changed?

What makes this time different?

This beach. These people. They make the difference.

I’m not sure what tomorrow will bring. But if I don’t get help, who’s to say there will be a tomorrow.

Landon looks at me, his eyes so sad I feel their pain. “I told my dad I got kicked off the team.”

“How’d he take it?”

Landon shrugs. “Surprisingly well.”

“We gotta get sober.”

He nods, his eyes on his footsteps as his bare feet sink into the cold sand. Water hits my feet and I feel like I’m sinking a little. “I know.”

“You know… or we’re gonna try?”

“We’re going to try.” He looks over at me, watching my reaction as he says the next part. “You need to stay away from Jay. You know he gave those pills to Alexa and Macy. And he’s asking about Cash. I can’t… I hate seeing you like this and I don’t want to see something happen to him either.”

My stomach knots when I look over at Cash standing beside Alexa and Macy, laughing with them.

“I know.”

“You know… or you’ll try?”

“I’m going to. There’s no trying about it. I have to…” I gesture towards them and toward Alexa now standing knee deep in the water looking up at the sky. “If not for them, for me.”

I wonder what she’s thinking right now. Can she see him? Does she feel like he’s with her?