Forever Dark(72)

Landon sighs putting his arm around me. “I feel like he’s with us, here. Like he made us all come together.”

My eyes find the sky. I want this. I feel like now, I finally want this.

We miss you, Steven.





Later that night I find myself on the beach walking with Cash. Something I would have never thought three days ago would happen. And now it feels like it used to feel.

His shoulder bumps mine every so often, light touches but I feel the warmth radiating from me. I laugh when my hair keeps hitting him in the face. “I forgot how windy it gets here.

Eventually Cash puts his arm around me, his body relaxed but I can tell this isn’t an arm around me where he thinks we’re together. He’s just here right now.

For me.

For us.

For all of us.

I’ve heard people say you choose who you fall in love with. I don’t necessarily believe that. You fall, and you fall hard, sometimes for the wrong person and everything you do to make it work is just that. You lie to yourself that you’re okay, when you know you’re not.

Then there are things that go right, parts that feel so natural you wonder what the hell the problem even is.

That’s love right?

“Is it too late for us?” I ask, killing the silence when we’re a half-mile from the fire pit near the rocks we used to play hide and seek behind.

He exhales loudly and stops walking, turning toward me. He forces a smile.

“There was always this moment when we would be together in your room… when the moon was hanging on… afraid to let go of the night and allow the harshness of the sun to take over. And you would look up at me and I’d see a glimpse of what we were. What we used to be before we lived our lives in the blue-lit mornings. It kept me there, just like the moon, afraid to let go of you completely. It kept me coming back because if I saw it then, it was still there.”

It’s what I needed to hear. There may be hope for us. “I can’t tell you how thankful I was when you would text me.”

He gives my shoulder a squeeze and I’m nervous for when we leave this beach. I’m nervous, there’s that temptation and I know what that means. I’m having my doubts about this. It’s easy here because I’m surrounded by support. But then what?

“Do you think I can stay clean?”

“Yeah,” he says and it’s long and drawn out, like it’s meant to make me think. “Tell me…” he says softly into my hair. “If you are, I want to hear you say it.”

“I’m going to get help.” I tell him, feeling good about saying it out loud. “My reasons for being the way I am were never my reasons. They were excuses. The truth is… I’m scared. I’m scared that if I’m happy, I’m forgetting what I caused. What I did. Because of that I felt like being happy would be as if I was forgetting.”

“There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being happy.”

“I know that now.”

“I’ve never told you this. I thought for a while I never would. Thought about throwing it away in this very ocean. That night…” he pauses and I think he’s going to talk about Steven. He reaches inside his hoodie and pulls out a ring. A ring. “I was going to propose to you. On this beach.” Tears sting my eyes instantly as I feel a rush of blood flood into my cheeks. “I know we’re nowhere near me putting this ring on your finger. But the thing is,” he holds it up so I can see it. It’s dark out so all I see is a diamond. One I know an eighteen-year-old boy would have had to save for. “I can’t give you forever until you know you’re worth forever. Someday… I will place this on your finger and promise you that forever you deserve. And it’s gonna stay there… forever.”

I can barely control my crying. It’s bordering on hysterical when he gives an emotional chuckle and pulls me into his arms. I feel like sinking to my knees at the thought that he wanted to propose to me that night. I would have said yes. And now I feel like I’ve ruined that.

“I’m sorry, Cash. For everything.”

“What is it that you want?” He asks, his voice uneven as if he’s nearing tears too. “Do you even know?”

For a second, I know he wants to kiss me. He doesn’t. “I know I want you.”

He nods and then pulls back, his hands cupping my cheeks. “What part?”

I sigh, smiling. “All of you.”

He smiles.

Just smiles.

“There’s a soul-shattering love that most don’t believe in. That’s the love that makes people bad. It makes them sacrifice what most won’t. Makes them deny they’re even in love in the first place. It wrecks their lives and tests their souls.” He’s watching my reaction to his words, his eyes never leaving mine. “You can run from it, pretend it’s not really there but in the end, if it’s worth it, you’ll fight for it. You’d even die for it because deep down, in that shattered soul, you can’t seem to believe in anyone. But I love you. That’s the only truth in your life, Madison.”