Forever Dark(53)

Standing at my locker, I wanted to be happy. I should be. That win got us a possible chance at the bowl game.

Only I’m not happy. I can’t be.

For so long all I’ve wanted was this. Be who I am but it doesn’t feel right without her.

I’ve given everything to make her see and I got nothing in turn.

Nothing.

I can’t take this pain. I can’t take this void and the fucking reality that she’s gone and what I said to her. Fuck her. Fuck her for making me say that shit. Fuck her for destroying me.

The guys are talking about the game, living it up on the high of the win against our biggest rival and I’m pissed. Not only at the game, there was a point when I didn’t think we would win it, and my mind isn’t here right now. I do pick up on Landon’s mood. There’s something off with him too and I don’t actually care what it is.

He looks over at me but doesn’t smile. “Good game. Best throw you made all year.”

I should acknowledge him. I should say thank you but I can’t make myself do it.

Maybe I’m an asshole.

Or maybe I’m just done.

“Hayes? You’re up.” A rep from the NCAA says looking at Landon.

They test all of us after the last game and after a bowl game as well. Landon knew that heading into the game. It wasn’t like this shit was a surprise.

“I’m sure Steven would have loved to see this shit.” I mumble when I see that Landon’s going to be tested as he holds the plastic cup in his hand. I know for a fucking fact he isn’t passing.

Landon glares, his eyes on the cup. “Don’t you fucking say his name around me.”

“Why?” I’m being a senseless bastard tonight but I don’t care. “Does it hurt to know you were responsible?”

“Fuck you, Cash.” He brushes past me toward the bathroom.

“Yeah, right. Fuck me.” I turn back toward my locker.

“That girl jerked you around.” Colton says when he notices that I’m ripping away gear and slamming shit in my locker. We just won.

I should be happy. I keep telling myself that. Over and over again.

I should be fucking stoked but I’m none of that right now.

I’m fucking none of that.

There’s laughter behind Colton’s words and that makes me see red. I’m not in the mood for this shit. Not after last week. I’m just not. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.” I put my pads in my locker and hang up my knee pads on the cooler and push the shelve up out of my way before I knock my head on it like I do every other time when I reach for my shoes.

“Yeah, sure.” Colton laughs.

I drop my shoes on the floor and turn around to face him. “Listen to me, motherfucker!” I slam him up against the wall. “You know nothing about Madison Thomas. Nothing. You know a girl who sucked your dick when she was high. I can guarantee you that she doesn’t remember your dick from Jay’s. Keep your fucking mouth shut!”

“That’s all I need to know about her. She gives good head, what else is worth knowing?”

He’s laughing.

The motherfucker is laughing.

I pummel his ass right then and there with as much force as I can muster. Our bodies slam against the lockers. Guys start breaking us apart and I’m so pissed that I can’t even think straight. I want to kill him for saying that.

Landon laughs returning to the room, standing between me and Colton with his hands against my chest. I knock his arms away, and it fucking pisses me off to no end.

What the fuck would he have to laugh about right now?

“It’s not even about you just being an all-around dick anymore.” I say watching his reaction to my every word. “It’s about you having a fucking drug problem.” I shove him backwards into Coach Lander. “You not only let me down, you let Steven down. You let the whole fucking team down, you piece of shit!”

He says nothing.

He hesitates.

Hesitates.

Only he doesn’t back down as his body tenses. He’s pissed. Most emotion I’ve seen out of him in years.

“You sure you want to do this right now, Landon?” I say putting no space between us despite us being pulled apart. “You sure you want to have this conversation, here, right now?”

“Yes.”

No hesitation.

None.

I can’t believe it. He laughs, like I’m joking with him but I’m not and he knows that too. He knows I’m about to say shit to him that he’s not going to want to hear.

I shove him roughly against the wall.

His arms catch him against the lockers, metal rattling as he eyes me carefully.

The smile’s finally gone. “You ready for me to break that million dollar arm?”