Forever Dark(57)
I fall asleep at some point. When I wake up we’re in Jackie’s driveway and Macy has her arms wrapped around Jackie.
I make my way over to them, my hood pulled up over my head. I stand near Landon when he asks, “So, what happened?”
“She almost overdosed on Vicodin.” There’s a pain to my heart right then knowing I take that shit daily. I also know where I get it and think maybe, that might be where Alexa got it. Maybe. “She just kept saying she wanted the pain to go away and be able to sleep without thinking of Steven.”
My heart hurts the more she talks.
I know that feeling.
I know what it’s like to just want to sleep without thinking.
“Is she okay?” Landon asks.
Jackie nods. “You guys should go see her.”
Macy gives Jackie one more hug. “Thank you for calling us. We’re going to go check on her.”
I look to Landon as Macy walks toward the truck. “Can I come with you guys?”
He nods and offers me a wink, his way of trying to tell me it will be okay.
I’m not so sure. Nothing feels like it’s going to be right again. Between Cash and me fighting, and now Alexa, and now looming silence when I look at Macy, everything feels wrong.
It’s been a year since I’ve seen Alexa around campus and now, when I step foot inside the hospital room, I wished I would have made more of an effort. She looks awful. Skin and bones, her face pale but cheeks flushed from the tears. I know that sadness but in reality, I have absolutely no idea. I haven’t lost what she lost. And what I have lost is my own fault.
Landon and Macy are downstairs getting something to eat in the cafeteria. Macy already went in there. Landon refused to. He hasn’t faced Alexa since the day of the funeral when we left that football field.
I kiss her cheeks and sit beside the hospital bed with her my hands holding hers. “I’m so sorry.” I tell her, crying.
She says nothing at first. Embarrassed maybe but as the minutes pass, she realizes that I’m still her friend. I’m that same girl who used to braid her hair and stay up all night with her when she wanted to talk like the night she lost her virginity to Steven.
“What are you doing here?” It seems like a silly question but Alexa asks it nonetheless.
Why wouldn’t I be here for her?
And then I think, it’s obvious over the years why it seems strange for me to be here. I’ve never reached out to her. Never. Not since prom.
“I wanted to be here. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
She looks out the window.
“Are you okay?”
That’s a dumb question, Madison. She just tried to kill herself. Of course she’s not okay.
“Am I what?” Her eyes don’t move from the window watching the snow fall.
“Okay?”
“I’m tired of hearing that.”
“I bet you are.”
“You didn’t have to come.” She says, fidgeting with her IV, and then looks at me. I feel her pain right then. “And you look like shit, Madison.”
The corner of my mouth curves as I try to comb the knots in my hair with my fingers. “I know.”
“Tell me something, Madison.” She pauses and catches my stare. “Why do you do what you’re doing? Why do you want to forget?”
I shrug. There’s no answer good enough for her.
“I wanted to forget. I want out of this pain. When I close my eyes, I see him and that’s all I wanted was to close my eyes for a little while.” Alexa admits. “But my body won’t let me. My heart died a while ago but my body… it’s hanging on. I have a reason. What do you have?”
She’s right. She’s absolutely right.
Alexa turns back to the window. “They have me on a twenty-four hour suicide watch. Do something before this is you.”
I tried to put myself in Alexa’s shoes. Losing Steven. It’s not the first time I’ve done this either. I do it a lot. Try to imagine the life I’m wasting.
How would I have felt if I would have lost Cash?
I would have been like I am now. In reality, I’ve lost him. Not by accident either. I had the chance to change it and didn’t.
“Where did you get the Vicodin?” I ask her.
Only she avoids my question. I know exactly where she got the pills.
Alexa seems to know exactly where my mind was going and that it’s on Cash. “What are you doing, Madison? He’s alive. You’re alive. And he loves you. So much. But you’re constantly breaking his heart for no reason. If you don’t see a future with him, end it.”
I know what she’s doing. It’s the same thing everyone does. They want me to see what I’ve done to Cash. Like I don’t know. Like I don’t hold myself responsible for that night, and now what I’ve done to the boy who would never leave my side.