Forever Dark(52)

Cash had every right to say those things to me. I intentionally hurt him and now I felt like an ass because he was right.

If I could have taken back everything I’d done to him, I would have. There’s just some things you can’t take back. You can’t undo them.

I stare at the clock when Landon leaves around one the following morning.

3:03 AM.

I check my phone.

Nothing.

“If I text you, don’t answer.”





November 29, 2013



Civil War Game Day

Autzen Stadium Eugene, Oregon



I don’t want to think about Madison but I do. For minutes, then hours, then days. It’s all that’s on my mind.

The morning of the game when I should be one hundred percent in the zone, my mind is on that girl and those lifeless eyes I never could save.

I toss and turn and stare at the clock.

1:13 AM.

2:13 AM.

2:28 AM.

2:49 AM.

3:03 AM.

My heart pounds. Is she thinking of me?

I get up around five when sleep doesn’t come and get into the shower. Then work on my paper before heading to the field.

It’s not easy to go on with school and football after the last few days. Nothing’s easy.

Before the Civil War game tonight, I have to finish up my paper on the influence on architecture during the Renaissance. The subject ordinarily fascinates me because during the Renaissance time period people lived their life for the church. Devoted everything to it.

Sound familiar?

Art was designed around religion, paintings were painted about religious subjects.

Hell, even buildings were designed to reflect that devotion with architectural ornamentation and structures like flying buttresses that soared to the heavens. Every aspect of a building reflected God and how spiritual people were.

They believed so strong in God, though they’d never seen Him, they worshipped him enough to live their life for Him. Their faith, love and devotion to the unknown was all-encompassing.

I felt like in a way, I understood that feeling.

What would these people do if they realized all that was a lie?

I felt like that now.

I felt like everything I knew was a lie. One I saw all along but avoided.

As I get ready for the game, I look in the mirror, the man there is not someone I know. Red welts cover my face, my lip is swollen and cracked, a visible gash present. My eye is swollen with a deep purple mark lining in the crease. I run my fingertip over the gash on my lip and it stings. Burns. Much like my heart.

“Who fucked you up?” Jet asks, amused with himself.

I turn my head toward him, raising an eyebrow. As I absently grind my teeth, I can barely keep myself from knocking his fucking teeth in knowing he slept with Madison at some point. Every guy on my team, when I look at them now, I imagine they’ve fucked her and it makes me sick.

I think Jet knows I’m not going to answer him and turns around and looks back at his locker.

I throw my pads around and reach for my Gatorade. After finishing the last of it, I toss the container in the garbage and sit down on the bench staring at my hands with my elbows rested on my knees.

Landon stops before me. I see the question dancing in his eyes. He wants to ask me something, anything, but he doesn’t have the fucking balls to do it right then.

He walks away.

I finish getting on my uniform and head into the dark tunnel with the music blaring around us, slap my hand against the “Win The Day” sign as we exit the tunnel and are greeted by nearly sixty-thousand screaming fans awaiting the toughest match-up we’ll see all season long. Oregon State Beavers. Finally my mind fades a little and I play football. The one place I can get her out of my mind even if it is just for one play at a time.

The game is close and it isn’t until the second half when we finally wake up. Our turnovers are ridiculous so I make the call to run the ball. I get 21 yards and the safety comes up on me, hesitating knowing who I am and then goes for my feet. He makes a good solid tackle and I can’t fault him for that.

Next quarter, Landon is held up off the line of scrimmage so I lob it in the air where I think he’ll be. He catches it in his lap for the touchdown. He stands and tosses the ball to the ref, no reaction at all as the guys pat his back. I give him a nod, a congratulations, he does the same.

With twenty-nine seconds to play, we make one final drive with a final 12-yard pass to Landon in the end zone to win 36-35.

It was a bad throw but Landon deserved credit for that one. He scored every touchdown that game for us. Best performance I’ve seen out of him all year. The team and fans rush the field after the game.

I walk off.

Everyone is celebrating as we change, as they should be. For eight years the Ducks have defended this rivalry with the Beavers and we didn’t disappoint. It was a nice change after that loss on the road to the Wildcats.