Forever Dark(51)

“Know what?” he’s refusing to even look at me now.

“Broke your heart.”

“Don’t you see… I do love you. But you’re constantly leaving me hanging.” He tells me, his voice softer now. “You basically walk away when you want, and expect me to be there when you come back. If you don’t want me, end it. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t end it. You have to do it.”

I say nothing.

I can’t do it either.

“Now I’m asking nicely,” he says, his voice even and soft but still holding tension. “Put me out of my fucking misery.”

It’s my turn to be hurt. And I am. I know exactly what I need to say to him. “We were never together, remember?”

He stares at me for the longest time, like he’s watching the final seconds of a game count down.

“Yeah…” he pauses, as if he can’t believe I just said those words, his chin shakes as tears fall from both our eyes. It takes him a second to get around his breaking words. He swallows and drops his eyes to the floor. “You’re right.” As he passes by me, he pauses and leans in so that I feel his warmth and I know I’m going to miss it. I feel the beat in his chest, his breath on my face. “If I text you… don’t answer it.”

And then he’s gone.

Forever.

I stare at the door at it closes and then springs back from where he broke it.

I fucking stare because there goes the rest of my heart.



November 27, 2013



Pain makes you do stupid shit.

“What do you need?”

My eyes are barely open, my skin ice cold and aching. “I need something.”

I want this pain gone. It’s what I’ve tried to destroy for years and I never succeed and now it seems I’ve made the pain so much worse.

“I didn’t know you had a twin sister.”

It’s not a question.

Jay’s referring to when he gave Macy the pills he promised me a few weeks back. Without looking at me, he hands me another bag of Vicodin and Oxycodone.

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me.”

He raises an eyebrow at my tone and pushes me back against the bed. “I don’t need to know a goddamn thing.” He says unbuckling his belt.

Pain makes you believe you’re not worth it. Makes you feel like you’re not worth it.



November 28, 2013



I’m a wreck.

All I can do is cry.

Then I get high. And when that doesn’t work, I call Landon because my misery needs company and maybe he can talk me down, because I’m feeling hopeless and thinking crazy.

It’s Thanksgiving and I’m alone staring at the destruction of my room I haven’t bothered to clean up. While most students go home with their families, I stay on campus.

“What did you expect him to do?” Landon asks taking the bong from me and hands me a turkey sandwich.

“Do you think we should have Thanksgiving dinner?”

“Listen,” he takes a hit and then reaches for the sandwich. “We’re having a turkey sandwich with cranberries on it. That’s the same.”

Landon plays with his phone for a half a second and then turns to me smiling and bobbing his head. He thinks he’s being funny.

“What kind of bastard would play that song right now?” I shake my head when “Single Ladies” comes on.

“Me.” Landon smiles and I kind of hate him for it. Raising his hand, he scratches the back of his head. “I would play that song right now.”

It’s funny.

I refuse to admit that it is though and don’t even crack a smile.

“I’m glad you find my misery so fucking entertaining, Landon.” I don’t laugh. I can’t. Because hearing that song makes me think of that night and then pain takes over.

“Hey, I’m just trying to make you laugh.” He bumps my shoulder when he passes the bong. “It’s what friends are for?”

“Does Macy know you’re here?”

Landon sighs, smoke rising between us as he takes a hit and inhales, slow and relaxed. On the exhale, he speaks. “No. She’s back in Canby probably. I don’t really know.”

I take the bong next and do the same. “I screwed up, Landon. I really screwed up this time.”

“Hey, it could be worse. You could be me.”

I finish the sandwich and it’s actually good. Landon takes that moment to look at me.

“Did you call him?”

I sigh because it’s all I can do. The thought of him breaks my heart and sends a sharp pain through my veins. “What am I going to say?”

Landon shrugs. “Tell him the truth.”

“I don’t even know what that is anymore.” I say, because I don’t.