Forever Dark(56)

I want him to be happy. I want him to see that there’s light away from me.

He’s dying and I feel it. I feel it radiating from him. I’ve shattered the innocence in his heart. It’s in his violent posture when I see him and the way his hands shake when he reaches for Bethany.

I can’t blame him for hating me. I hate myself.

I turn my back on him.

Again.

Addiction—and what you’ll do for that addiction—is not something to mess with. It can ruin your life.

It’s ruined mine.

I’ve gone through withdrawals from cocaine and it’s not fun. I’ve had days where I feel like my skin is being ripped from my bones, layer by layer, and my heart is beating outside my chest. I’ve woken up thinking I’m holding it in my hands, blood all over my hands only to see it’s my nose bleeding.

Do I stop?

No.

I don’t because I’ve also experienced the high it provides and when I’m on that, it’s good. It’s really fucking good. Nothing bothers me. I’ve thrown up, had nose bleeds and a sore throat that feels like it’s there for life. Stomach pains, cramps, rapid heartbeats. All that.

None of that compares to Cash leaving and the feeling I have now.

So I take three pills and stare at my hands. They shake. I shake.

Despite what I saw just now, he’s still pure.

Nothing can shadow Cash. Nothing in my eyes.

My eyelids fall, the images blur when the pills kick in, the voices around me begin to fade with each breath. There’s no action, no noise and finally I feel at ease.

Jay approaches. He’s angry and I know what the anger in him does to me. If I could move, I would. I can’t. With each movement he makes towards me, I’m helpless.

He stares at me, hovering over me, his hands restraining mine. Turning my head, I look at the whites of his knuckles as his hands grip my wrists.

Darkness.

Fuck your darkness.

Fuck the light too.

He looks at me then, turns my head so I’m looking at him and laughs. “Your boy’s in deep.”

I want to spit in his face. I want to say something back, beg him to stay away from him. From me. I can’t so I only moan and try to curl into myself. He grips me tighter forcing me to look at his dark eyes that see no gentleness right now. “I could kill him.” His breath hits my face like a gust of wind and I flinch. “Remember that.”

I fade, my body limp, and that’s what I’m looking for. Only the memory of him doesn’t fade. It can’t. That’s my fault. My memory holds him deep within.

My heart slows and my body stops shaking. My eyes drifting close.



December 6, 2013



I don’t deal with December fifth very well. I know four others who don’t either.

I know one who’d give anything to have another one.

Another moment.

Another day.

Another breath.

Another I love you.

Instead she’s left with a memory of what she had.

I have something right in front of me and I constantly leave it hanging.

Leave it lying at my feet when all I need to do is pick it up.

It’s early, I can’t sleep and I’m sitting by my window holding a brochure I got from my counselor on substance abuse, staring at nothing again, smoking when my phone rings. It’s Landon.

“You up?”

“Yeah…” I wave the smoke out the window and close it looking around on my floor for my hoodie. “What’s up?”

He hesitates as he speaks, slow and relaxed. “Alexa tried to kill herself last night.”

My heart stops.

It takes a minute for it to beat again.

“Are you going back to Canby?”

“Yeah.”

I start throwing shit in a bag, hoodies, jeans, shoes. “Can I ride with you?”

“Yeah… meet me outside in ten minutes.”

When I get out there I see that Macy’s in the driver’s seat of his truck. She gets out and lets me climb in the back. It’s strange seeing her. She looks at me like I’m not good enough to even be in the same car with her.

I’m not.

The seat hits me in the face when she pulls it back and I glare at her in the mirror. She did that shit on purpose. “Did anyone text Cash?”

Macy rolls her eyes. “He already knows.”

And I hate that she can answer that. It should be me. I know she’s friends with Cash and they still talk. It doesn’t bother me. I know she would never do anything. I also know Cash wouldn’t. He may not talk to Landon anymore but they’re very different. Despite the damaged relationship, he wouldn’t make it worse by making a move on Macy.

The entire hour-and-a-half drive back to Canby was the most uncomfortable ride ever. It reminds me of Steven’s funeral when Cash, Landon, Macy, Alexa and I went to the football field. Not a word was spoken by anyone for over three hours that day. We all just sat there on the field staring at the sky.