Dane(51)

"Do you still feel that way?" I asked, not really wanting to hear the answer.         

     



 

She shook her head. "I think I've hated myself enough for things I  couldn't control. I hated myself after our baby died, because I thought  it was my fault. I killed one baby of mine so God took another."

I held her face and made her look at me, stopping her from saying more.  "It wasn't your fault, Gabs. Those things happen all the time. You  weren't being punished."

"I know that now-at least, I think I do. I still have feelings I can't  figure out, but none of them are of self-hatred. I think talking to my  mom helped. I'm not ready to talk to her one on one yet, but at least  the door isn't closed anymore. I can't go back in time and change  anything-neither can she-so I have to focus on the present and look  toward the future."

"You have no idea how happy I am to hear you say that, Gabi. I feel like  I've done nothing but wait for you to reach this point, but never  understanding why you couldn't get here. As much as I wish you would've  told me these things a long time ago, I can't dwell on that. I can only  be grateful that you've made it this far."

Dr. Thomas cleared his throat, catching our attention, and leaned  forward in his seat with his hands folded in his lap. "This is a very  big step for Gabriella. The longer she went without admitting it,  treating it as if it were a bad dream or a secret she couldn't share,  the harder it became to accept the truth. Essentially, she's been living  a lie. A lie she'd made up to make herself feel better, only it  succeeded in making her feel worse. So the first step toward moving on  is admitting it, getting the truth out there and accepting it no matter  how difficult it is to do so. She's opened up and talked to her mother  about it, and they were able to hear each other out. Gabriella was able  to start the healing process with Marie, and even though it's a long  journey and they've only just begun, it's a big step in the right  direction. You were the next stop. Hopefully, this will provide a tool  for the two of you to understand each other, and maybe with time, begin  to heal."

"I'm willing to do anything if it means Gabi will be okay. That's all I've ever wanted."

He pointed to Gabi next to me and said, "You need to tell her."

I nodded and turned to face Gabi again. "From the very beginning, all I  wanted was to protect you. I thought I knew what I was saving you from,  but I was so wrong. All this time, I've been trying to make up for the  wrong things. I never understood why nothing seemed to be good enough  with us. I thought they were, but looking back on it, I was only fooling  myself. If you weren't crying or hiding in bed all day, I assumed that  meant things were looking up. I had no idea the demons never left,  because I never knew they existed."

Gabi took my hand, and when she spoke, her words were the complete  opposite from what I expected to hear. "I held you back for so long,  Dane. I couldn't let you go, no matter how much I knew you suffered  being with me. I was selfish … and you were always so selfless, eager to  give me everything. I had nothing without you, and I wasn't ready to  give that up. I can't tell you how sorry I am, but I need you to know  how grateful I am that I had you there. Without you, I would've given up  a long time ago, and I never would've been able to get the help I  needed. I don't blame you for leaving. I'm surprised it took you this  long, but I truly am thankful you stuck it out long enough to get me to  this place, where I'm finally ready to sort through everything."

I glanced at Dr. Thomas sitting in front of us, and reached for the  manila folder on the table. I held onto it, needing to explain it first  before giving it to Gabi. "I will always want what's best for you, Gabs.  I know how hard this must've been to come here and face these  skeletons. You've fought against it for so long, and I don't want there  to ever be a reason you don't continue seeking help. I know money is a  big concern for you, and I don't want it to be any longer."

When I handed her the folder, she took it from me, but she didn't open  it. Instead, she sat with it in her lap and stared into my eyes, waiting  for clarification.

"I'm in the process of finding a house. I realized that purchasing the  condo had been for you, as well as everything inside. None of it belongs  to me. You should have it. That way, you don't have to be concerned  about where you'll go when you get out of here. I know you still have  three weeks, but I know how your mind operates, and you'll be hung up on  that instead of focusing on healing."         

     



 

Without looking at the contents inside, she passed it back to me. "I  don't want it, Dane. That was our place. Our bed, with memories we made  together. That's where we planned to bring home our baby. If I don't  have you there with me, I don't want it."

"I've already had the papers drawn up to transfer the title into your  name. I paid off the mortgage, so you don't have to worry about it,  either. I want to give this to you so you don't have anything keeping  you from getting better. After being here, you'll still need therapy,  outpatient care, medications. And I don't want you spending all your  time working a full-time job just to support yourself, because you'll  need time to take care of yourself."

Gabi smiled and wiped away a falling tear. "I appreciate that. And I  love you for trying to take care of me, but I can't accept it. You've  sacrificed so much for me as it is, and at some point, I have to learn  how to do that for myself. I'll be okay. I promise. I'll figure  something out. This is all new to me, and if I need help, you'll be the  first person I'll turn to. But not like this."

I reluctantly took the folder and sat in my seat feeling defeated. My  goal was to make sure she was all right so I could move on with my life.  I'd never be able to put this all behind me as long as I continued to  worry about her. And I'd never stop worrying about her until I knew she  was capable of standing on her own two feet.

Dread consumed me on my drive to work. It was almost lunch time, but I  wasn't hungry. I couldn't shake the overwhelming realization that Eden  had been right. As long as Gabi was a part of my life, I couldn't make  Eden the priority she deserved to be.





21





I'd barely made it three feet inside the glass doors of my office  building before being stopped by Janette. She knew I had a session with  Gabi and would be late, and I halfway wondered if she'd been waiting on  me, ready to pounce with her motherly concern.

"How'd it go? How's she doing?" She touched my arm with gentle comfort  and then shifted to the side to keep our conversation private.

"She's better. Surprisingly better. I actually hadn't expected to see  this much positive change in her in such a short amount of time. It's  only been a week, and after seeing her today, I feel confident in this  place. I can only imagine how she'll be after three more weeks of the  same."

"That's really good to hear. No one should internalize that kind of  pain. It's like poison. It'll eat away at you until you're dead inside.  I'm very happy to hear she's finally talking about it and getting the  help she needs. What about the condo? How did she feel about that?"

I scoffed and scratched my chin, taking a glance around the empty foyer.  "She wouldn't accept it. She said she didn't want to live there without  me. I can tell she's still holding on to hope that we'll be together,  but I just can't, Janette. I can't be with her. No matter what she's  gone through, what we've both been through together, I can't ignore this  voice in my head that keeps telling me we don't belong together."

She held my forearm, and after taking a quick sweep of our surroundings,  she leaned closer and lowered her voice. "I know it's not my business,  and feel free to tell me to shut up. But from the things you've told me,  I can't help but piece them together and assume the attack you spoke of  was of a sexual nature. Am I correct in assuming someone had violated  her when she was younger?"

I had opened up to Eden and told her the ugly truth about Gabi's past. I  didn't feel I could accurately explain everything to her without giving  her that information, but for some reason, the thought of entrusting  Janette with the truth shrouded me in a veil of guilt. I swallowed  harshly, trying to figure out the best words to use, but luckily, she  must've sensed my internal war and put an end to it.

"I understand if you're not comfortable talking to me about it. I won't  press you for answers you can't give. But in the event that is what  happened, maybe I can offer you a piece of advice from someone who knows  a little too much about this subject."

I cocked my head, unsure of what she was trying to say.

"Something horrible happened to her when she was younger. Be it a sexual  assault or mugging, whatever it was has clearly affected her in a bad  way. You became her protector. Her guardian. Her knight in shining  armor. As great as that was for her to have you play that role, you need  to understand the negative impact it more than likely has had on her."