Wanting What She Can't Have(5)

And then there was the fear-an awful irrational beast that built up in  his chest and threatened to consume him. What if Ruby got sick, or was  hurt? What if he didn't know what to do, or didn't react fast enough? It  was an almost unbearable sense of responsibility lessened only slightly  by knowing Alexis was here shouldering the bulk of it. Raoul shoved  aside his bedcovers and got out of bed, yanking his pajama bottoms up  higher on his hips. Everything slid off him these days. It hadn't  mattered when he was here alone but now, with his privacy totally  invaded, he had to be a little more circumspect. Even locked in his  antisocial bubble he could see that.

Suddenly his senses went on full alert, his skin awash with a chill of  terror as he heard a muted thump come from the nursery followed by a  sharp cry from the baby. For a second he was frozen, but another cry  followed hard on the heels of the first, sending him flying down the  hallway toward God only knew what disaster. His heart felt too big in  his chest, its beat too rapid, and he fought to drag in a shuddering  breath as he reached the doorway, almost too afraid to open the door and  look inside.

Ruby's howls had increased several decibels. Where the hell was Alexis?  The child's care was her job. Reluctantly, he turned the handle and  pushed open the door. He winced as Ruby let out another earsplitting  yell. Something had to be horribly wrong, he was sure. Fine tremors  racked his body as he visually examined the red-faced infant standing up  in her crib, howling her throat out.

His eyes flew over her, searching for some visible cause for her  distress. She was so small-miniature everything from the tiny feet  tipped with even tinier toes to the top of her auburn fuzzed head-all  except for the sound bellowing from her lungs.

Clearly nothing wrong with those.

There was absolutely nothing he could see that could be responsible for  her upset. Nothing external, anyway. Fear twisted in his stomach as he  took a step into the room. It was always what you couldn't see that was  the most dangerous.

One pudgy little hand gripped the top rail of the side of her crib, the  other reached out helplessly...toward what? Looking around, he spotted a  toy on the floor. From its position, he'd guess that it had been in the  crib with her and she'd flung it across the room. And still she  screamed.

Was that all this was about? A stupid toy?

He gingerly picked up the mangled black-and-white zebra and handed it  to her, avoiding actual physical contact. The sobs ceased for a  moment-but only a moment before she hurled it back to the floor, plonked  herself down on her bottom on her mattress and began once more to howl.

"Oh, dear, so it's going to be one of those days, is it?"

Alexis bustled past him and toward the crib.

"Where the hell have you been? She's been crying for ages," Raoul demanded, pushing one hand through his hair.

"About a minute, actually, but yes, I agree, it feels like forever when she's upset."                       
       
           



       

She competently lifted Ruby from the crib and hugged her to her body.  Raoul became instantly aware of how the child snuggled against Alexis's  scantily clad form-in particular Alexis's full, unbound breasts that  were barely covered by a faded singlet. She wore it over pajama shorts  that, heaven help him, rode low on her softly curved hips and high on  her tanned legs.

A surge of heat slowly rolled through his body, making his skin feel  tight-uncomfortable with recognition of her lush femininity. But then he  became aware of something else.

"What is that god-awful smell?"

"Probably the reason why she's awake earlier than normal. She needs a  clean diaper and she's very fussy about that. It's good really, it'll  make potty training so much easier later on. Some kids are absolutely  oblivious."

Raoul backed out of the room. "Are you sure that's all? Maybe she ought to see the doctor and get checked out."

Alexis just laughed. The sound washed over him like a gentle caress-its touch too much, too intimate.

"I see nothing to laugh about. She might be sick," he said, his body rigid with anxiety.

"Oh, no. Nothing like that," Alexis replied, her back to him as she laid Ruby down on her change table.

With one hand gently on the baby's tummy, she reached for a packet of  wipes, the movement making the already short hemline of her pajama  shorts ride even higher and exposing the curve of one buttock. The  warmth that had previously invaded his body now ignited to an instant  inferno. He turned away from the scene before him, as much to hide his  stirring erection as to avoid watching the diaper change.

He turned back a minute later, almost under complete control once more,  as Alexis dropped the soiled packet into the diaper bin, one Raoul  distinctly remembered Bree ordering in a flurry of nursery accessory  buying the day they discovered she was pregnant. He didn't even remember  when it had arrived or who had put it in here. He should probably have  given it to Catherine but here it was, being used in a nursery he'd  never imagined being used at all after Bree's death.

"Raoul? Are you okay?"

Alexis's voice interrupted his thoughts, dragging him back into the here and now as she always did.

"I'm fine," he asserted firmly, as if saying the words could actually make them true.

"Good, then please hold Ruby while I go and wash my hands."

Before he could protest, she'd thrust the baby against his chest.  Instinctively he put out his arms, regretting the movement the instant  his hands closed around the little girl's tiny form. His stomach lurched  and he felt physically ill with fear. He'd never held her before. Ever.  What if he did something wrong, or hurt her? What if she started crying  again? He looked down into the blue eyes of his daughter, eyes that  were so like her mother's. Her dark brown lashes were spiked together  with tears and to his horror he saw her eyes begin to fill again, saw  her lip begin to wobble. He couldn't do this, he really couldn't do  this.

"Thanks, Raoul, I can take her back now if you like?"

Relief swamped him at Alexis's return and he passed the baby back to  her with lightning speed. But the moment his arms were empty something  weird happened. It was as if he actually missed the slight weight in his  arms, the feel of that little body up against his own, the sensation of  the rapidly drawn breaths in her tiny chest, the warmth of her skin.

He took one step back, then another. No, he couldn't feel this way. He  couldn't afford to love and lose another person the way he'd lost Bree.  Ruby was still small, so much could go wrong. He forced himself to  ignore the tug in his chest and the emptiness in his arms and dragged  his gaze from the little girl now staring back at him, wide-eyed as she  bent her head into Alexis's chest, the fingers of one hand twirling in  Alexis's shoulder-length honey-blond hair.

"Are you absolutely certain she's all right?" he asked gruffly.

Alexis smiled. "Of course, she's fine, although she might be a bit  cranky later this morning and need a longer nap than normal thanks to  this early start today."
                       
       
           



       
"Don't hesitate to take her to the doctor if you're worried."

"I won't, I promise."

Her voice softened and his eyes caught with hers. Was it pity he saw  there reflected in their dark brown depths? He felt his defenses fly  back up around him. He needed no one's pity. Not for anything. He was  doing just fine by himself, thank you very much. And that was just the  way he preferred it.

Except he wasn't by himself anymore, was he? He had Ruby and Alexis to  contend with, and goodness only knew they both affected him on entirely  different levels. Feeling overwhelmed he turned around and strode from  the room, determined to keep as much distance between himself and them  as possible.

* * *

Alexis watched him go, unable to stop herself from enjoying the view,  finally letting out a sigh and turning away when he hitched up his  pajama bottoms before they dipped any lower. He'd always been a  beautiful man and it had almost hurt her eyes to see him nearly naked  like that. His weight loss had only given his muscled strength more  definition, particularly the long lean line that ran from his hip down  under the waistband of his pants. Oh, yes, he still pinged every single  one of her feminine receptors-big time.

She'd been glad for the distraction of settling Ruby or she might have  done something stupid-like reach out and touch him. She might have  followed that line to see what lay beneath it. To see whether she'd  imagined his reaction to her own body before he'd so valiantly  controlled it back into submission. Her mouth dried and her fingertips  tingled at the thought. She closed her eyes briefly in an attempt to  force the visual memory of him from her mind but it only served to  imprint him even deeper.