Wanting What She Can't Have(2)

Ruby. A sharp pain lanced through her when she thought of the baby's  cherubic face. A happy, healthy and contented child, she was obviously  closely bonded with Bree's mom. To look at her, one would never guess  that she had faced so much trouble in her short life.

After a slightly early arrival, exacerbated by a postnatal infection,  Ruby had spent the first few weeks of her life in an incubator, crying  for the mother she would never be able to meet. Catherine had shared  with Alexis her theory that the pitiful cries, piled on top of his own  grief, had been too much for Raoul to bear. He'd withdrawn from his  newborn daughter, leaving her care to his mother-in-law. Catherine had  been Ruby's sole caregiver ever since.

Transplanting her to her father's house and into the care of someone  else would have its challenges. Getting Raoul to acknowledge and  interact with his daughter would be the hardest-and the most necessary.

They needed each other, Alexis was certain of that. Even though she  could do nothing else for Bree, she'd make sure that Raoul stepped up to  his responsibilities to his late wife's memory and to the child she'd  borne him.

* * *

She was here. He'd known that one day she'd come and he'd dreaded every  second. Seeing her had cracked open the bubble of isolation he'd built  for himself, leaving him feeling raw and exposed. He was unaccustomed to  having to share this place with anyone but Bree-or, for the past year,  Bree's memory.

Two years ago, returning with Bree after their marriage to his roots  here in Akaroa, on the Banks Peninsula of New Zealand's South Island,  had felt natural and right. He'd bought out his father's boutique  vineyard operation, allowing his parents to finally fulfill their  lifelong dream of traveling through the wine-growing districts of Europe  and South America, and allowing himself to settle in to what he'd seen  as an enjoyable new stage in his career.

At the time, it had been a fun and exciting change of pace. Raoul had  gone as far as he could go as Nate Hunter-Jackson's second in charge at  Jackson Importers up in Auckland. While he'd loved every minute of the  challenges working in the wine purveyance and distribution network built  up over two generations, his heart had always been locked in at the  source of the wine.

After settling in following the wedding, Raoul had dedicated himself to  the vines. Meanwhile, Bree had project managed the building of their  new home, seeing to the finishing details even as Ruby's anticipated  arrival had drawn near.

At the start of his marriage, what he did here, wrapped in the science  of blending his boutique wines, had been an adventure, almost a game.  His work had been filled with the same exuberant hopes for the future as  his marriage.

Losing Bree had shaken the ground under his feet, and his work had gone  from a pastime to an obsession. Life was filled with twists and turns  that were beyond his abilities to predict, but this...this was something  he could control. He was working with known quantities, with wines that  had been made in the stainless-steel vats behind him from the very  grapes grown on vines that snaked down the hillsides to the  harbor-terroir that had become as much a part of him as breathing. Work  was stable, steadying. And when he'd finished for the day and returned  to the house, he could sink back into his memories and his mourning.  He'd never shared this home with anyone but Bree-and now he shared it  with her ghost.

Alexis's arrival changed all that. She was so vibrantly alive and in  the moment that she made living in the past impossible. Even their brief  conversation had been enough to make him feel self-consciously alert,  keenly aware of the disheveled appearance he usually couldn't be  bothered to notice.

And aware of her in a way that filled him with shame. He hadn't been  the husband Bree had deserved, not entirely, not when-even though he'd  kept it fully under wraps-he'd desired her best friend. Was it  infidelity when a person only thought about another? He'd loved Bree,  there'd been no doubt about that. Adored her, idolized her. Cherished  her. But deep down inside, there'd been a primitive part of him that had  craved Alexis Fabrini on a level so base he'd had to jam it down deep  inside.                       
       
           



       

He'd been relieved when he'd heard Alexis had headed overseas-how,  after her last contract as a nanny had neared completion, she'd changed  career direction and had begun pouring herself into fashion design. Some  of Alexis's designs still hung in Bree's closet. Bree had been so  excited for her, albeit a little hurt and puzzled when Alexis let  contact drop between them.

Living with Alexis would be hell. He gave a humorless laugh. What else  was new? Just living was hell. Each day a torture. Each day a reminder  that he'd failed in that most basic tenet of keeping his wife safe. Of  ensuring her needs were put before his own.

He'd never made it a secret that he'd wanted a large family-and because  he'd been so outspoken, so determined in his plans for the future she'd  felt the need to keep a secret that would have made him change his  mind. Given a choice between a family and Bree, he'd have chosen Bree  every time. Yet she'd hidden the news about the aneurysm that killed her  until it was too late, putting the baby's life ahead of her own.

Ruby. He could barely think about her without being reminded of failure  yet again. Drowning in his own grief, he hadn't been able to bear the  weak sound of her cries-or the bone-deep certainty that he would lose  her, too. She'd been so ill at birth... It was better this way, he'd  decided. To keep his distance and not risk the pain that would come if  he got too used to having her in his life.

Raoul turned back to the table, to the wines he'd been sampling and  assessing for what was his favorite part of wine production-the  blending. He forced himself to settle back down in his chair, to study  his notes and then to reach for another glass of wine.

Sour. He grimaced and took a sip of water, rinsing the bitter tang from  his mouth before reaching for another glass. Again, sour. He threw  himself against the back of his chair in disgust. He knew the flavor of  the wine had little to do with his skills as a vintner and far more to  do with his current state of mind. Whether he wanted to admit it or not,  his working day was over-which left, what exactly? Time to go up to the  house to reminisce about old times with Alexis?

His gut twisted at the very thought. Even so, he pushed himself upright  and cleared away his work, neatly filing away his notes for tomorrow  and rinsing out all the glasses, leaving them to drain on the rack  before he started up the lane.

Alexis was in the kitchen when he got into the house. He could hear her  moving around, opening and closing cupboard doors, humming in an  off-key tone. It sounded so domestic and normal for a second he allowed  himself to hope, to dream that it was Bree there in the kitchen.

But the second Alexis's curvy frame came into the doorway the illusion was shattered.

"I can see why Catherine sent me up here with all this food. You had  hardly anything in the pantry at all, and the fridge just about echoes  it's so empty. What on earth have you been living on? Thin air?"

He knew she was trying to be friendly but he armored himself against the attempt.

"I get by. I didn't ask you to come here and criticize how I live."

"No, you didn't," she said with a rueful twist of lush lips that were made for long, hot, hungry kisses.

Viciously he slammed a lid down on the thought. He wasn't going there. Ever.

"By the way," she continued blithely, "while I found Ruby's room easily  enough, I'm not sure which room you wanted me in. I went into one of  the spare rooms but it looked like your things were in there."

He hadn't been able to bear returning to the master bedroom, not with all its memories of Bree.

"Take the room nearest the nursery."

"But isn't that the master suite?"

"I don't use it, aside from storing a few clothes. I'll take the last of them out of there for you."

"Okay, do you need a hand? Maybe I could-"

"Look, I don't want you here, and I certainly don't need your help.  Catherine's decided you should take care of Ruby, but that's all you're  here to do. Let's just agree to stay out of one another's way and  everything will be just fine."                       
       
           



       

He ground out the last word as if his life depended on it.

"Raoul-!"

"Don't," he said putting up a hand. "You're here now and apparently I  can't do anything about that. But let me make one thing very clear. I  don't want your sympathy, Alexis. I'm all sympathied out."

"I can see that," she said. Her voice was dry and calm but he could see  the shadows in her dark chocolate-brown eyes and he knew he'd hurt her.