Wanting What She Can't Have(3)

He closed his own eyes briefly and dragged in a leveling breath. He  hadn't meant to be so harsh but it was his default setting these days.  Living alone didn't make one the best conversationalist, that was for  sure.

The sound of a car outside heralded the arrival of his mother-in-law  and, from the shriek and gurgle of laughter that followed the sound of a  car door opening, the baby. His blood ran cold. His chest tightened  making it hard to breathe.

"I'm going for a shower," he said tightly, and left before Alexis could move to let Catherine and Ruby into the house.

He strode to his room and slammed the door behind him before moving to  his bathroom and locking the door. He disrobed with a minimum of  movement and stepped into the shower stall even as he turned on the  faucets. The water, when it hit him, was chilling-painful-but that was  nothing compared to the pain of the gaping hole inside him. Nothing at  all.

He'd fought against this happening, having the baby here under the same  roof, and he'd won the battle for so long. The nursery, so lovingly  decorated by Bree, had never been used. He'd known, logically, that one  day his defenses would be worn down, that he'd have to step up to his  responsibilities as a father. He just never imagined those defenses  would be stormed by the one woman in the whole world he'd hoped never to  see again and yet still craved with a hunger he could never assuage.





Two

Alexis held little Ruby's weight against her, relishing the solid  warmth of the child's small body and inhaling the special baby scent of  her hair and skin. So far, so good, she thought as they watched  Catherine drive away. The older woman had been torn, clearly reluctant  to leave Ruby behind, but Alexis had hastened to assure her that she was  doing the right thing, for them all, but most of all for herself. She  was already nervous enough about her upcoming surgery, she didn't need  the added worry of wondering how well Ruby would settle into her  father's home.

A light breeze lifted a tuft of Ruby's fine auburn hair and brushed  against Alexis's cheek, the touch as soft and delicate as fingertips  tracing lightly across her skin. A sudden pang for Bree cut her to the  quick. The realization that she would never see her friend again, never  share a bottle of wine and silly laughter over happy remembrances. Never  again squabble over who was the more handsome out of the Hemsworth  brothers.

Her hold on the baby in her arms, the child her friend never got to see  outside of a sonogram, tightened and Ruby squawked in protest.

"I'm sorry, precious girl," Alexis murmured into the baby's soft fuzz of hair.

She fought back the burn of tears that threatened to cascade down her  face and made a silent vow. I will look after your daughter, Bree, I  promise. And I will love her and care for her and keep you alive in her  heart forever.

Stepping back indoors, Alexis noticed that Raoul was nowhere to be seen  inside the house. A good thing perhaps? Alexis couldn't be certain. She  popped Ruby on the floor with a few of the toys that Catherine had  brought over with the baby and sat down with her. She seemed a placid  enough child now, although Alexis knew from Ruby's grandmother that  she'd been very ill and demanding as a newborn. Understandable, given  her start in life, she rationalized as she watched the little girl reach  for a multicolored teddy and pull it to her, cuddling it as she popped  her thumb in her mouth. Her big blue eyes stared back solemnly at  Alexis.

Somewhere in the house a door slammed shut and Ruby and Alexis both jumped. Alexis laughed softly.

"Goodness," she said rolling onto her belly on the floor and tickling  the baby on one of her delightfully pudgy feet. "That was loud, wasn't  it?"                       
       
           



       

She was rewarded with a shy smile that exposed four perfect pearl-like  teeth and she felt her heart twist in response. While Ruby's coloring  was exactly that of her mother's, her smile was all Raoul.

"You're going to be quite the heartbreaker, aren't you, young lady?"

The baby's chin began to wrinkle and her lower lip to quiver. Her thumb  fell from her mouth and she let rip with a wail, her blue eyes filling  with tears as she stared past Alexis.

"Oh, dear, was it something I said?"

Alexis pushed herself up into a sitting position and pulled the baby  into her lap, rubbing her back in an attempt to soothe her but to no  avail. A prickle of awareness up her spine made her realize they were no  longer alone.

She swiveled her head and saw Raoul standing there behind them, frozen  to the spot. His usually tan face was a sickly shade of gray.

"What's wrong with her? Why's she crying?" he demanded, his voice harsh and setting Ruby to cry even harder.

"Raoul, are you okay?" she asked, lithely getting to her feet and holding the baby against her.

His eyes were clamped on Ruby who buried her face into Alexis's chest and continued to cry.

"I'm fine," he said tightly, looking anything but. "Why's she crying like that?"

"I assume it's because she got a bit of a fright when you came into the  room. Plus, this is all strange to her, isn't it? Being here, missing  Catherine, having me around."

He nodded. "Please, can't you do something to calm her?"

Alexis gave him a rueful smile. "I'm doing my best," she said, jiggling  Ruby gently. "Perhaps you could soften your tone a little?"

He made a dismissive gesture with one hand. "I'd prefer you keep the child confined to her room while I'm in the house."

"But this is her home. You are kidding me, right?" Alexis said incredulously.

His eyes dragged from Ruby's sobbing form to Alexis's face.

"No. I'm not."

He turned to walk out of the living room, but Alexis would have none of it.

"Stop right there," she said with as much authority as she could  muster. "You act like Ruby is an unwanted stranger here. She's your  daughter for goodness' sake."

Raoul turned around slowly. "It wasn't my wish for her to come here and  her presence is disruptive. As her nanny, your role is to confine your  skills and your opinions to her care and her care alone. Is that  understood?"

Alexis didn't recognize the man in front of her. Sure, he mostly looked  like the same Raoul Benoit she'd been introduced to shortly before he  married her best friend, and he sounded the same. Her body certainly  still had the same response to his presence, that unsettling thrill of  awareness that buzzed along her nerve endings whenever she was near him.  But the words... They weren't the words of a bereaved husband or a  caring father. And he did care-whether he wanted to admit it or not. So  why was he trying so hard to distance himself from Ruby?

"Is that understood?" he repeated. "Your charge is distressed. I  suggest you do whatever it is that you need to do to calm her and do it  quickly."

He tried to sound aloof but she could see the lines of strain around  his eyes. It pulled at his heart to hear his little girl cry. She knew  it as sure as she knew the reflection of her own face in the mirror each  morning.

"Here, you take her for me and I'll go and get her dinner ready. It's time for her evening meal, anyway."

He took a rapid step back and looked as her as if she'd suggested he tip vinegar into a barrel of his finest wine.

"Are you telling me you're incapable of fulfilling your duties as a nanny?"

"No," she said as patiently as she could. "Of course not. I thought you  might like to hold your daughter to distract her, while I prepare her  something to eat before her bath."

"I don't pay you to hand the baby over to me, Alexis," he said bluntly  before spinning around and leaving the room as silently as he'd entered  it.

Ruby lifted her little head to peer around Alexis carefully, putting  her thumb firmly back in her mouth when she was satisfied her father had  departed.                       
       
           



       

"Well, that didn't go quite as well as I expected," Alexis said softly  to the little girl. "I thought your grandmother might be exaggerating  when she said that your daddy didn't have anything to do with you. Looks  like we have our work cut out for us, hmm?"

She kissed the top of Ruby's head and, adjusting her a little higher on  her hip, took her through to the kitchen. Grabbing a paper towel, she  moistened it under the faucet and gently wiped tear tracks from two  chubby little cheeks. Ruby clearly wasn't a fan of paper towels and  Alexis made a mental note to search out the muslin squares she'd seen  amongst the baby's things in the nursery. She popped Ruby into her high  chair and gave her a plain cookie to chew on-who said you couldn't start  dinner with dessert every now and again?-while she scanned Catherine's  comprehensive notes on Ruby's diet and sleeping times. The baby was  still napping twice in a day and, after a 250 ml bottle at bedtime,  pretty much slept through the night except for when she was cutting a  tooth.