Thoughtful(211)

Denny’s laughter on the line returned my thoughts to the present. “Have you been drinking, mate?”

A small, queasy laugh escaped me. “Drinking? Yeah…maybe…a little. So…what’s up with you? How did your date go with that girl? Abby, was it?”

With a laugh, he started telling me about it. Things had loosened up between us even more once Denny had become interested in dating again. Now that he was seeing somebody, his entire mood had changed. Even though I didn’t know much about this girl, I was grateful that Denny had met her. He needed somebody to love to help him get over Kiera.

Aside from the one time he’d chided me about not dating her, Kiera was one topic that Denny and I never discussed. Without actually verbalizing it, we’d both decided Kiera was off-limits. We had plenty of other things to talk about though, and my phone bill was a bitch now. But we were beginning to repair our damaged friendship, so it was worth it.





Chapter 34





Emotional Release




After that dark moment at Pete’s, I toned it down with the alcohol. Instead of drinking away my problems, I shifted my need for emotional release into my work. I’d been writing ever since Kiera and I parted ways, and I finished a song that I’d written about her. Once it was done, I found I was reluctant to share my painful memory of Kiera with the world. Evan was the one who convinced me I should. He said it would be healing to sing about my pain. And unlike the last time I’d written a song for Kiera, Evan was okay with putting this one in the lineup, since this time around, the only person the song would hurt was me.

We debuted the song at Pete’s. I was a little worried that I wouldn’t be able to make it through the whole piece; I lost it once or twice during rehearsal, which was almost unheard of for me. I’d sung gut-wrenching songs countless times before and hadn’t had any problems. But this one…it got to me.

It was probably the most emotional song I’d ever written, even more than the song I’d said goodbye to Kiera with. This one was about that last moment with Kiera in the parking lot, right before our lives had changed forever. I wrote down every damn detail of our parting. Then I shifted focus to where I was now…struggling to get through the days, scared I would never find love again, lonely, but never really alone, because Kiera was always with me wherever I went.

Evan and Matt had created a slow, haunting rhythm to accompany the song. It was different from our typical stuff, and I noticed that the crowd listened in a way they hadn’t before. Even my looks took the backseat for this one song. It was intimidating, having the entire bar so focused on something that wasn’t superficial, something real. It deepened my appreciation and respect for the art form that had ultimately saved my life. If I hadn’t had music…I didn’t even want to think about where I might be.

The bar was deathly quiet while I sang my grief. When I sang, “Your face is my light. Without you, I’m drenched in darkness,” some of the girls in the front started brushing away stray tears. With the words, “I’m forever with you, even if you can’t see me, hear me, feel me,” they started to openly weep. I closed my eyes to block them out and finished the song as perfectly as I could. Evan was right. This was much better therapy than drinking my problems away night after night. We started playing the song at every performance.

I wasn’t fully healed yet, not even close. Everything still reminded me of Kiera. My soul ached for her, and there was a void in me that would probably never be filled, but, slowly, I was starting to smile again, starting to talk again. Although, I still wasn’t sleeping with anyone. Every night, I went home alone to my empty house and faced the ghosts of regret lurking around every corner. It was hard, but I was dealing.

Sometimes I pretended that Kiera was in the crowd when I sang that song for her. Closing my eyes, I pictured her crying right along with the girls in the front row. She never came in though, and as soon as the song ended and I opened my eyes, my fantasy evaporated. Her sister showed up a couple of times, but that was the closest I ever got to Kiera. It ate at me that she never came in to the bar, but at the same time, I knew it was for the best.

“Ready for tonight?” Evan asked one Friday evening, as he eyed me for any sign of a meltdown. Since I hadn’t had one in a while, his inspection didn’t last long.

“I’m always ready,” I answered. Glancing over my shoulder, I looked at Jenny, then back at him. “Are you ready to admit defeat? I think you’re being ridiculously stubborn about this.”

Evan’s brows bunched. “What the hell are you talking about?” He noticed where I’d been looking, then rolled his eyes. “Quit playing matchmaker, Kellan. You suck at it.” With a laugh, he slapped me on the shoulder, then hopped up onstage to thunderous applause.