The Stillness Of You(38)

I walked into the barn and didn't stop until I reached my canvases, Ben   right behind me. I flipped the switch and didn't realize how nervous I   was until I began to shake.

"Hey." He nuzzled my ear and the tremors multiplied, rippling along my   skin until my teeth began to chatter. "What are we doing here?"

"I wanted to show you something. Something I finished this afternoon."

His hands and mouth stilled. "You were here?"

I nodded and stepped out of him embrace, pointing to the large canvas on the easel. "I finished that for you."

He followed my finger and for a few seconds he said nothing. He rubbed his chin and shook his head. "Wow."

He took a step forward and stopped again, inches from my painting. "You did this?"

I moved until I was beside him and I bumped his hip with mine. "Yep."

The painting was one I'd started months ago, the day his parents   arrived. It didn't have an ambiguous face with a gaping mouth and hollow   eyes.

It was Ben who stared back at us. A candid painting of how I saw him.

A head shot, he was glancing over his shoulder, his hair a crazy wavy   mess, his smile wide and open, his eyes intense. I'd painted the Flyer   logo beneath his right shoulder and the number 9 alongside it.

"This is what I feel for you," I said softly. "This is how I see you."

"You're amazing. It's so … so real."

The nervous feeling in my gut pressed in and ruined the moment but I   knew it was time to come clean about everything. I also knew that the   next few minutes were going to challenge us and since we were in such a   new relationship I wasn't sure how he was going to take it.

"I'm leaving for upstate New York tomorrow."

Fuck me. The words spilled from my mouth before I had a chance to even   think about them. About what they meant. About how he was going to   react.

"What?"

Gone was the smile and he took a step back, hands shoved into his pants   pockets a frown on his face. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

I tried to smile but it was a lame attempt and I could tell I was   starting to freak him out. I remembered what Seamus had told me. Focus.   Be true to yourself. You deserve love. But you deserve to love yourself   more.

Here we were. It was crunch time and I was so nervous I wasn't sure I could get the right words out.

"I'm going back to college."

He looked relieved and attempted a smile. "Well, that's great. I mean it, Georgia.."

"Thanks."

Shit, girl, just get it out.

"Seamus thinks I'm ready to be on my own again so this is kinda the next   step you know? But it means I won't be here and I don't know when I'll   see you, I … "

He took a few steps closer until I could reach out and touch him and   Lord knows I wanted to. I wanted to bury myself into his embrace and   stay there forever.

"What are you trying to say, Georgia? I don't get why the vibe is off. It almost feels as if you're saying goodbye."

I swallowed and forced the rest of the words out. "I need to be able to   function on my own, Ben. I need to be able to be healthy on my own   before I can even consider giving myself to someone."

"You're not being real clear here." He sounded exasperated and I didn't   blame him. I was fucking this up but good. "Do you love me?" he said   roughly.

"Yes."

"Good answer. Do you want to be with me?"

I nodded. "Yes, but only if … "

"There is no if." He interrupted. "You don't get it. I love you too much   for fucking if. What the hell kind of word is that anyway? There is   only yes or no. I'm not a yo-yo. I've stayed away for almost a month   because I thought you needed space and now you show up here, you tell me   that you choose me … you choose us but now you're saying if? What the   fuck is that supposed to mean? You gotta help me out here, Georgia   because I'm not getting it."

"I love you, Ben. I love you more than I ever thought it was possible to   love another person and it's because I love you so much that I … " I   faltered because the pain was so huge. I didn't want to lose him and I   was terrified he was going to see my decision as a rejection.

"If you love me then what's the problem? Love is enough. Love has to be enough."                       
       
           



       

Sadly, I shook my head. "No, Ben. It's not. It wasn't enough for my   parents and I can't be with you in that way until I know that I will   never get behind the wheel of a car and," my voice cracked and dropped   to just above a whisper. "And drive it off a bridge. Until I know I   would never hurt you."

He shoved his hands into his pockets, but the anger was gone and a   glimmer of hope spread through me so fast I felt faint. I took a moment,   knowing these were probably the most important words I would ever   speak.

"I want a life with you Ben but I need to learn to live my own life   first. I don't want to be half a person. Not for you. Not for me. We   deserve more and I've finally realized that."

"So what are you saying," he asked quietly taking a step toward me.

"I'm saying that I love you. I'm saying that I chose you but I'm also   saying that I need to focus on getting healthy and learning to live with   my illness. And I have to learn to do it on my own."

I exhaled and closed the inches between us, my hands slipping between   his arms to encircle his waist as I laid my head on his chest.

"I'm going back to college. I want to finish my courses. I'm going to   continue my therapy with a great doctor that Seamus recommended. I'm   going to take my meds and learn to live with my illness and I hope when   I'm done … I hope that you'll still want me because I can't think about  my  world if you're not in it."

For several moments there was nothing. No noise. No reaction. Nothing.   The room was so heavy with nothing that I was choking on it.

Then his hands slid out of his pocket and wove their way into my hair, tugging on my head until I was forced to look up at him.

"Are you breaking up with me?"

"No." I shook my head. This was the real important part. "I'm giving you   the chance to bow out gracefully because this might not end well and   your whole future is ahead of you and,,,"

But I didn't finish my words because his mouth was on mine, his lips and   tongue and everything about him almost desperate as I opened beneath   him. I kissed him back as hard as I could, my hands clutching his   shoulders, my body limp against him.

To feel this much emotion … to feel this much love was scary.

We broke apart, hearts beating fast and furious. Short of breath he   wheezed and his eyes devoured me as if he'd been starving for days.

"I'll do whatever it takes to help you get to the place you need to be,"   he said. "But why do you think you need to do this alone? Why can't  you  go to college nearby and live here with me?"

A sad smile tugged at the corners of my mouth. "That kind of defeats the   purpose of doing it on my own. And I already told you that I can't  move  forward until I'm 100 percent sure I'm not a danger to anyone. I  can't.  I saw what this illness did to my parents and until I own it and  rule  it, I'm not good for anyone."

He exhaled and swore and for a few minutes the only noise was the wind whistling through the trees outside the barn.

"I need to do this, Ben. I need to do this for me. I just don't know if   it's enough for you and I understand it you want to step back. Hell,  you  deserve a normal non crazy girlfriend and I don't want to be an   embarrassment to you."

"Embarrassment? What the hell does that mean?"

"You know what it means. You'll get ribbed by some of the guys on team. Danby for sure."

"I can handle Danby."

"I'm just saying that my past isn't easy and I don't want it to hurt you."

His eyes narrowed and he looked pissed off. "I want you to understand   something. I don't give a flying fuck about that shit. Got it? What you   did and who you did it with, is before. It's before me. It's before you   and me. So whatever it takes to make this work I'm in. I'm in for the   long haul. I'm in it to win."

"Are you sure?" I could barely get the words past the huge lump in my   throat. I was so afraid he'd think I was too much work. Afraid he   wouldn't want a part time girlfriend.

"Georgia, this last month has been fucking awful. The only thing that   got me through it was training camp. I lived and breathed hockey and it   saved me. I want you in my life and I'll take whatever I can get. I  love  every inch of you, even the crazy parts. Guys have girlfriends who  go  to different colleges all the time. We can make it work."